


Little Witch Hellsing

by Zangster



Category: Hellsing, Little Witch Academia
Genre: Action, Aged-Up Character(s), Comedy, Explicit Language, F/F, Gen, Hellsing AU - Freeform, Hellsing Abridged AU, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-08-14 01:04:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16483127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zangster/pseuds/Zangster
Summary: When Diana looked, she saw the corpse licking up her blood. Its tongue slithered out to inhuman lengths as it eerily moved while shackled. Energy seemed to radiate from it as the air began to thicken. The corpse stood up, shredding through its bindings. Pale skin. Black robes. Brown, long hair. White symboled gloves. Most importantly, however, were the cold, red eyes. Eyes that drilled evil will into minds, eyes that glowed crimson as the corpse glared towards Diana. Between nearly getting killed by her aunt and now, fear petrified Diana.“That hit the spot. Thanks! I’m Atsuko Kagari, but you can call me Akko!”And just like that, the image was broken.“Now, I see you fuckers are trying to kill my master. That’s not gonna stand.”Complete...for now.An LWA Hellsing Ultimate Abridged AU for Halloween, featuring our favorite cast of witches as vampires, killers, and mercenaries. Yes. You heard me.





	1. The Police Girl and the Catholic Women

**Author's Note:**

> Friendly sarcastic vampires, Flat-Chested Police Girls, and Crazy Catholic Blademasters. All this and more in this heavily-inspired Hellsing Abridged AU, featuring our favorite cast of witches as vampires, killers, and mercenaries.

“Where are you, my little brat niece?”

Diana did her best to hold her breath as she hid in the vents, watching her Aunt walk by, flanked by two armed guards. Their footsteps echoed through the old hall as they walked forward.

“Where are you, Miss Diana Cavendish?”

Aunt Daryl’s pistol clicked, ready to fire.

“Years, years I wait for my sister to die, and moments before her death, she chooses you, her daughter, to succeed the Cavendish family. You, a little girl that, while talented, knows nothing about running this family. I will not stand for this. The Cavendish family is mine!”

As Diana crawled and ran, she remembered her mother’s last words.

 

_ “My dear Diana.” Bernadette clutched her daughter’s hand. “Should the time come, if you find yourself surrounded by your enemies, and there is no help left, run to the last chamber in the deepest dungeon of the estate. There lies the Cavendish family’s darkest legacies, and greatest treasures. It will be your salvation when all is lost.” _

 

Diana pushed the metal chamber door open, only to reveal a pale, sunken, wrapped body. Her hopes fell. This was supposed to save her? This was the Cavendish family’s darkest legacy and greatest treasure? She could hear the footsteps behind her, but her will was lost.

“Ah, there you are.”

A shot rang out, and a bullet pierced Diana’s shoulder, throwing her and her blood to the ground. Despite this, she did not make a sound, not until Daryl pushed her gun in front of Diana’s face.

“Are you really so desperate to claim the family-”

“Come on, Diana. You’re smarter than this. It should be obvious.”

A wicked grin came over her aunt’s face as Diana closed her eyes.

A licking sound. A sound so bizarre and unexpected that it surprised everyone.

When Diana looked, she saw the corpse licking up her blood. Its tongue slithered out to inhuman lengths as it eerily moved while shackled. Energy seemed to radiate from it as the air began to thicken. The corpse stood up, shredding through its bindings. Pale skin. Black robes. Brown, long hair. White symboled gloves. Most importantly, however, were the cold, red eyes. Eyes that drilled evil will into minds, eyes that glowed crimson as the corpse glared towards Diana. Between nearly getting killed by her aunt and now, fear petrified Diana.

“That hit the spot. Thanks! I’m Atsuko Kagari, but you can call me Akko!”

And just like that, the image was broken.

“Now, I see you fuckers are trying to kill my master. That’s not gonna stand.”

 

* * *

  
  


Corpses and blood littered the house. Moonlight shined through the unbroken windows. All the while, a young man and women stood in the middle of it all, making out.

“Mmm, I love you Edward.”

“And I love you, Bella.”

There was knocking at the door.

“Who is it?” asked Edward, drawing his gun.

“Where are my manners?” said the voice behind the door. “My name is Akko Kagari.”

Suddenly, bullets flew through the door, blasting Edward and his body collapsed to the ground.

“You know, a real fucking vampire.” She smirked to herself.

Glass shattered as Bella ran from her.

“Hey Police Girl. Do you have the other target?

A blonde Finnish girl sat on a rooftop with a sniper rifle lining up her shot.

“Master Akko, I know we agreed on nicknames, but my name is Lotte Yanson. And yes, I have the target in sight.”

“What are you waiting for? She’s getting away.”

“I’ve...never really killed anyone before. I still need time to adjust-”

“She’s getting away.”

“I know. I heard you-”

“You know that book series you like so much? Nightfall?”

“Wait, why are you-”

“They were trash-talking it back there. Really bad. In fact, their names were Edward and Bella, like parodies of Egar and Belle. They even said that Twilight was-”

The sniper rifle rang out, and Bella’s body exploded into a mess of blood and guts.

“NIGHTFALL IS A WORK OF ART, AND TWILIGHT WILL NEVER HOLD A CANDLE TO IT!”

While Lotte began to rant, Akko smiled to herself.

“What treasure she is. This is going to be fun.”

 

* * *

 

_ One week earlier… _

 

Akko was walking through the woods, enjoying her walk. She liked walks. They always either allowed her to clear her mind or find fun things to do. Best case: If she got fun missions, she could walk to said fun mission. It was a win-win scenario! She got to take her walk, and Diana would begrudgingly admit she did a good job.

_ Wait, what was this mission again? Something about...hunting a vampire before he turned a town...time sensitive...oh. _

“So, you finally came. Too bad you’re too late!”

The sleezball male vampire in question stood there with a ghoul army behind him and a scared young girl in front of him. Akko only just stared under the cover of her red cloak and witch hat.

“Everyone is already dead, except for this little flower, which I still plan to kill.”

“Mhm,” said Akko, reaching for her gun.

“But first, I’m going to rape her!”

“Okay then,” said Akko, drawing her pistol.

“But before that, I’m going to kill you!”

“Oh?” Akko’s eyes lit up. “Is that a challenge? I love challenges! Especially from people with delusions of winning!”

“Is...Is this a game to you?!” The vampire glared and tightened his hold on the young girl.

“Yeah! Games are fun, and what’s life without fun? Here, I’ll go first.”

Akko drew her pistol at a lighting speed and fired.

**“SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!”** she sang as her bullet found its mark, continuing to sing as she unloaded onto the ghoul army. Soon, no enemies remained. Only the young girl, who was currently bleeding out.

“Hey, I’m really sorry for shooting you, okay?”

Akko was only met with gurgles. Tears began to form behind the girl’s glasses as she slowly reached up towards Akko.

“Let me make it up to you, okay?”

  
  


“So that’s your field report?” asked Diana.

“Yup.”

“You walked through the woods,”

“At midnight.”

“Killed the homicidal vampire priest and his ghoul army,”

“Uh huh.”

“And turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a-”

“Flat-chested police girl,” said both women at the same time.

“I  _ just  _ explained it. Why does the great Diana Cavendish need me to repeat things?”

“Forgive me, Akko, but it’s less out of confirmation and more out of disbelief. The incidents you have gotten into over the years have been taxing on me.”

“You’re paperwork is more taxing!”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have pretended to not know how to write English for three years while I handled everything on my own! If you did that, I would be less bitter!”

“Well, maybe you should’ve just killed your aunt by yourself if you didn’t want me around!”

“I should’ve just died instead of dealing with your bullshit!”

“Good! Then I could’ve stayed dead instead of putting up with you!”

There was silence for a moment before Akko spoke up.

“Blackwell and the church again?”

“Yes. Just stressed out, and your collateral damage isn’t helping.”

“Well, if it helps, I’ll take more enthusiastic walks, okay?”

“As long as it’s nowhere in public.”

 

* * *

 

 

_ Present day… _

 

“So that’s your field report?” asked Diana.

“Are you gonna do the whole recap thing again?”

“You broke into the house,”

“Yup.”

“And shot him thirty-five times in the chest,”

“Thirty-four. I don’t like wasting bullets.”

“...there are so many things wrong with that sentence, but moving on. Then Ms. Yanson-”

“The police girl.”

“Shot his partner.”

“While raging about Nightfall. I think her eyes are finally turning back to normal color.”

Lotte looked confused over her surroundings. “What just happened, and why does it feel like I’ve been screaming for the last five minutes?”

“Anyways Akko, you have an assignment in Ireland. A vampire took over a hospital and turned everyone to ghouls, again.”

“Oooo, can we find a pot of gold while we’re there?”

“Akko.”

“Come on! Inflation hasn’t treated anybody nicely, so the extra funds would be nice.”

“Just go and bring Lotte with you.”

“Yes, Diana,” said Akko in a mockingly playful tone.

 

_ Meanwhile in Italy… _

 

An American girl stood in front of a priest. With fiery red hair and a white coat, she exuded danger and confidence.

“So what can I do for you, Father O’Brian’O’Ivan’O’Travis’O’Charlie’O’Harrison? Who is also Italian?”

“Tella me, O’Neill. What is your favorite thing to do?”

“Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to all parts of the world.,” she said, smiling as she raised her hands. “Teaching peace and love for all.”

“And what about killing vampires?”

An evil glint reached her eyes. “Just try to fucking stop me.”

“And what about the Protestants?”

“Same as above! I’ll hunt them like doves!”

 

_ Later, in Ireland… _

 

“Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! You gotta try this out! It’s like that one time I went to an arcade before everyone screamed when I smashed a console, except I can destroy anything I want!”

The two were at the hospital at night. Lotte sat outside of the hall while Akko continued to fight. A few more shots rang out as Lotte sighed.

“I can totally by a klutz in here, cause no matter where I shoot, I kill a zombie! Now Diana can’t bitch to me about collateral damage!”

“Fine,” said Lotte as she opened the door. “Murder can’t be that much fun.”

After she took one shot, the next thing she knew, she was standing over a number of corpses. All the bodies were either shot to death or torn to pieces. Blood soaked through her boats and gloves, and she had an urge to drink just some of it.

“Damn. If I wasn’t already pursuing Diana, I’d consider you dating material.”

Their moment was cut short by a number of bayonet blades piercing Lotte’s back. She collapsed to the floor as Akko look on as a spectator.

“Hmm, maybe if those were scissors, then they’d make a proper metaphor.”

She sniffed a few times.

“Suddenly, it reeks of hypocrisy in here.”

A white-cloaked red-haired figure stepped into view, the sign of the cross necklace glowing in the moonlight. The full light revealed crazed, emerald eyes.

“Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church. And what’s this? A woman in power? Progress!”

“And if it isn’t a damned heathen!”

“Excuse you! I am a motherfucking vampire! I worked hard and killed many to gain this title, and I deserve to be called as such!” said Akko, readying her pistols.

“Well then, motherfucking vampire. What is your name?”

“Akko Kagari, vampire extraordinaire,” she said, doing a dramatic cloak flip. “And you, Redneck?”

“It’s only fair. The name’s-”

 

_ Amanda O’Neill _

Diana read the name multiple times from her report.

“Oh, Bloody Hell!”

 

“So, Amanda O’Neill. Why are you here?”

“I can name a number of reasons.” Amanda began to walk forward with confidence and snark. “Your evil, your corruption, your status as a filthy heathen. But most importantly, you’re a vampire! And I love killing those!”

“You better be a good fight, because I’ve been disappointed so far, and I don’t see any weapons on you.”

“I do, in fact. Knife.”

“Kni-”

Multiple blades stabbed Akko in her chest, causing her to grunt. As she fell, however, she fired a perfect headshot, throwing Amanda’s body backward.

“Headshot, bitch.” She pulled the blades out of her body as she stood up. “Damn. I really liked this cloak. Lotte?” A few garbled groans were heard. “Do you think we can sew the clothes and clean the bloo-”

“Decapitation!” shouted Amanda as she sliced off Akko’s head, much to Lotte’s horror. “I’m glad she only shot me in the head, but I wonder if I can do anything about these blood stain-” Amanda noticed that Akko’s head and Lotte were gone.

“Sonuva protestant whore!”

 

“Just, a few more steps, Lotte,” she said to herself, limping down the hallway. “I remember why I stopped going to church now.”

She looked at Akko’s head, holding it close.

“You may have been an idiot, but you were all I had left, my closest friend. I guess I’m alone again. At least I have your head as a memory.”

A blade shot out, pinning Akko’s head against the wall.

“Really?!” shouted Lotte in disbelief.

Amanda walked down the dark hallway, moonlight illuminating her two swords and her cross as footsteps echoed.

“It’s a shame that you lost your head, a careless vampire who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies. Too many lies.” Each step brought Amanda’s grin closer into view.

_ “What do I do?” _ thought Lotte.  _ “I could try seducing her, like in Nightfall volume 34- wait, Catholics don’t support gays! Shit! Wait, does that mean I’m ga-” _

“Say your prayers, sweetheart,” said Amanda, preparing to cut.

Suddenly, gunshots rang out, shattering the swords.

“That girl belongs to me,” said Diana, holding a smoking gun, surrounded by two bodyguards.

“Kinky. That’s a sin,” said Amanda.

“These next shots will be in your head if you attack.”

“Really? And what the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bitch?”

“You do know this is a grave violation of the Church’s agreement with us?”

“Really? Which part?”

“The part where you’re here, killing my men!”

A few slashes and groans later, Diana was now alone, holding back Amanda’s sword.

“Can you speak up? I can’t hear you over the sound of me killing your men.” Her signature smirk appeared. “I’m just doing my job! Killing vampires and heathens! Maybe find a pot of gold for the church while I’m here.”

“Oh dear god, not you too.”

“That’s a sin right there.”

“Just shut up! Where the hell is Akko?”

“Oh, her? I killed her!”

It was Diana’s turn to smirk. “Killed her?”

“Cut her fucking head!”

Diana’s eyes turned confident. “Nice job! That’s step one. What about steps two through ten?”

“Ah, Christ.”

A black figure had formed with red eyes and a crimson aura. From Akko’s severed head, her entire body regenerated, first as shadows, then into her familiar red cloak. There she stood, in her full glory, grinning like a madwoman with her fangs out.

“Surprise, bitch!”

“How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?” asked Amanda.

“Fuck you. That’s how.”

“On that topic, fuck this,” said Amanda, opening a glowing book. “To hell with ya’ll! Have fun cleaning up!”

The pages surrounded her and flashed. When the light died down, Amanda was nowhere to be seen.

“Call me! And bring some of that Jesus blood with you next time!” said Akko.

Lotte slumped to the ground. “We...survived.”

“And now it’s pursuit time.”

“No,” said Diana. “We have other things to worry about. Whoever is behind these vampire attacks has to be a large organized group.”

“Like the Nazis?” asked Akko.

“N-No. That would be stupid. Plus, how could Nazis ever come back?”

“You’re British. Your people didn’t want to even acknowledge their existence for a while until they were knocking on their front door.”

“And? You being Japanese makes you an expert on modern Nazis?”

“Not exactly. Neo-Nazis or Nazis, they all die with one shot. I just asked myself ‘what organized group will kill innocent people in horrific acts of violence?’”

“Akko. These attacks are not by the Nazis.”

 


	2. How to Fix a Budget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when two homicidal cousins and an army of ghouls attacks? You find the solution to your non-existent budget. Featuring a lot of swears and crude language. You've been warned.

“Hello, Akko,” said Diana over the phone. “How was your mission in your homeland, Japan?”

_ “Eh...I’d say...ninety-nine...point nine percent done? Good enough. Probably not gonna result in a highschool of the dead or anything.” _

A few miles away, a young man named Takashi watched a zombie struggle against the school gate.

_ “What can I do for you, Aristocrat?” _

“I need to speak to you about some important guests visiting today.”

_ “Is it Shiny Chariot?” _

“No.”

_ “The delivery guy for my pickled plums?” _

“No.” Diana’s eyebrow twitched.

_ “...Lesbian hookers?” _

“No! They’re our financial suppliers.”

_ “Like, money givers? Damn, they must hate us. Mainly me, but you’re the proxy, so they hate you too by default.” _

“They do. In fact, they canceled our budget.”

Akko grew concerned for the first time in a while.  _ “Ooh, that’s not good. Lotte, we need that, right?”  _ Before she could respond, Akko asked,  _ “Anna, we need that, right?” _

“Yes, it’s very important,” said the head maid/bodyguard.

_ “Thank you, Anna.” _

“Of course, Madam.”

_ “Now before you tell me all of the problems, Diana, I have to ask: Are you straining your eyes by sitting in a room only lit by moonlight?” _

Diana, in fact, had been doing just that. Her office curtains were completely open, letting the moonlight flow through. She sat on her chair, hunched over in exhaustion and frustration. All lights and lamps were turned off, and she hated that Akko seemed to care.

“As I said, they canceled our budget. We had to cut electricity tonight to make up for that.”

_ “That sucks.” _

“No thanks to you. Over the last couple of years, we’ve had some expensive...claims.”

_ “Like what?” _

“First off, property damage.”

Memories of explosions, bullets, and fire flashed through their minds.

_ “Ahh, good times. Lotta fun.” _

“Hundreds of noise complaints.”

_ “SORRY! CAN’T HEAR YOU!”  _ Diana could make out the various sounds of rock, metal, pop, idol, and anime music blaring along with the sounds of gunfire.

“The death of dozens of innocent people.”

_ “Politicians condemn millions to death, Diana! At least I look people in the eye when I kill them.” _

“And...all of the sexual  _ harassment _ .”

_ “...For the last time, that wasn’t me. But if it was, am I qualified to become an actor or a president?” _

Diana sighed, sinking into her chair. “I know this is asking for a lot, but…”

_ “Buuuuut…” _

“I need you to keep yourself hidden until all of them are gone.”

_ “Why stress yourself negotiating when I can just scare them into giving us our budget back?” _

“This is important, and I don’t need you causing a scene! We don’t need to use fear on our suppliers!”

_ “I need to think this over. I’m taking a walk.” _

“No, you don’t!”

_ “You’re all the way over there while I’m here. You can’t stop me. What are you gonna do? Call the Catholic church on me?”  _ Akko paused for a few moments.  _ “Actually, go do that. I need a rematch with Amanda.” _

“Akko!”

_ “Fine! I promise I’ll stay hidden, but only if I can get some gifts.” _

“...Our budget is cut.”

_ “Look under your desk.” _

Diana rolled back and saw a few glimmering gold coins.

“How-”

_ “So, no pot of gold, but it doesn’t mean I couldn’t...appropriate some of the hospital’s treasures. I planned for it to be a surprise, but considering our current problem, time to use it now. Now, if my math is correct-” _

“When is it ever?”

_ “One coin should be enough at least two new guns. One for me and one for the police girl.” _

_ “But I already have a gun-” _

_ “Get that badass bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons!” _

“...anything else?”

_ “The biggest Plasma Widescreen TV on the market.” _

“I’ll throw in Netflix as well. Sound good?”

_ “Aww, you know me so well.” _

“I’ll even buy the mandatory 3D model,” said Diana as she smirked.

_ “Wait, Diana NO-” _

Diana hung up the phone, smiling to herself.

“Anna?”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“Turn the bloody power back on. I got some orders to place.”

 

* * *

 

“Hello, gentlemen,” said Diana, addressing the financial board in her conference room. All were middle-to-old aged men, sitting in suits around the oval table. The only face she could remotely stand was Sir Penwood, or as he was more commonly known as, the Proprietor.

“Considering the direness of your financial security, it was the least we could do,” he said.

“Fair enough,” said Diana. “Before we begin, I was under the impression that our budget was handled directly by the Queen.”

“Oh, it is,” said an old arsehole. “However, we are having an absurdly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.”

“Most are under the name, ‘Akko,’” said Penwood, looking through his files.

Diana breathed out to calm her nerves, her eyes not betraying any emotions. “...Continue.”

“Forgetting the property damage and insurance payments caused by this ‘Akko,’ some of these payments are just labeled ‘fun.’”

“Fun?”

“Yes. For example, an absurd amount of stage equipment and lights, as well as a whole performance group.”

_ “I thought I heard something a few weeks back,” _ thought Diana.

“Next is the antique car, which literally had a sticky note that said, ‘Don’t tell Diana I tried to get us Dairy Queen.’”

“Said Dairy Queen was destroyed completely!”

“Not to mention thousands of pounds spent on odds and ends, including candles, flowers, a King sized bed, a bunch of different bedsheets, high definition speakers, and incense. And a set of very expensive lingerie.”

Diana remembered walking into her room one night to see every one of those items, and Akko. In the lingerie. With a rose in her mouth.

“So far, that brings our current unjustified expenses to-”

As the gentlemen droned on, Diana grit her teeth and clenched her hands.

_ “I would do fucking  _ **_anything_ ** _ right now to get out of this.” _

 

* * *

 

“And so halfway through eating me out, the fucking girl passes out!”

“Can you...not...right now?”

“I mean, I still finished, but damn! Could’ve been a much better night.”

“For goodness sakes, Maril. Think about mother.”

“I am, Merrill. Why do you think I’ve been in an uncontrollable rage all day?”

The two girls were currently walking toward the Cavendish estate. Both were wearing tailored suits and heeled boots, with Maril’s suit being black while Merrill’s suit was white. They wore ties of opposite colors from their main clothes, and their greenish-blonde hair was styled to mirror each other. While Merrill stood with her hands by her side, poised straight up, Maril had her hands in her pockets, taking a more relaxed pose. Overall, the two of them did not look suspicious at all.

“Oi, you two,” said one of the guards, stepping in front of them. “Sorry, but the grounds are closed today.”

“Ah, shucks,” said Maril, slumping her shoulders. “And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England.” Maril pointed to the charter bus parked horizontally across the road, the windows facing the front gate.

“Where from?” asked the guard, slightly on guard.

Dozens of guns suddenly poked from the windows of the bus. Maril grinned.

“Texas.”

At the snap of her fingers, all guns opened fire, tearing the guards and the gate apart. Their screams were quickly drowned out by the gunfire as smoke filled the air. When the guns stopped, only bodies and rubble remained.

“A mass shooting in England is a normal day in America,” said Maril, smirking at the destruction.

Merrill laughed. “Humor aside, sister, prepare the ghouls. I’m going to find Diana’s pet that killed mother. You overrun the rest of the estate.”

“Got it, sis.” Maril turned towards the bus. “Attention all rotten bastards! Off the bus and line up!”

Dozens of armored ghouls walked into formation, standing with glowing purple eyes, assault rifles, and shields. 

“Our trip begins now! Remember your assignments: Look around, stick together, and kill anything that moves!”

 

* * *

 

“...and while the kids certainly had fun, the parents pressed charges for allowing a vampire monster to be in a public place!”

The lights started flickering, alarming Diana.

“That’s odd. Your payment should’ve gone in,” said Penwood.

“Shit,” said Diana, dialing her phone. “Front Desk. I need a report. What’s going on?”

_ “Oh hey, yeah,” _ said the clerk, seemingly distracted.  _ “Hold on. Just give me a second.” _

Diana and the gentlemen listened to the sounds of footsteps getting softer, before hearing a  _ “Woah” _ and the footsteps returning.

_ “Oh yeah, it’s ghouls. Mhmm. Definitely, definitely- OH MY GOD-” _

A growl and a squelch of flesh played out before the line went dead.

“Lady Diana, do something!” said Penwood, beginning to panic.

“Calm down!” said Diana, standing up and resting her hands on the table. “We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have security and escape routes. Everything is under control-”

A distant explosion echoed, shaking the room.

“What was that?”

“That was probably the escape chopper exploding,” said Diana, growing more frustrated. “We just need to contact communications to get an update.” She dialed her phone again. “Communications, come in. We need a full report-”

The sound of crying interrupted her.

_ “Read the fucking message,”  _ said an oddly familiar voice.

_ “H-h-hey there...Diana,” _ said the communications clerk in between sobs.

_ “Read it fucking right, you filthy twat!”  _ There was a punching sound before the clerk continued.

_ “Hey there...you...fat, fucking cunt.” _

_ “That’s more like it. Now keep reading.” _

_ “It’s your old cousin...Maril, you know...the daughter of the woman you...brutally murdered. As revenge, me...and Merrill are killing...all of your men...and turning them into ghouls. They will...find...no rest and suffer...just like our mother. So...I h-hope...you’ve made peace...with yourself...because once I get to you...I’m gonna- Oh god! I can’t read this anymore!” _

All the while, sweat and fear began to seep out of all of the gentlemen, terrified about what would happen should Maril find them.

_ “Keep reading or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE!” _

The clerk was fully sobbing at this point, pushing all of the words out.  _ “Because when I find you I’m gonna tear you apart an inch at a time! From each nail to each finger and toe to peeling off skin until you’re nothing but a bloody skeleton gnawed on by ghouls! And I’ll have your pet vampires to watch every detail before forcing them to feed on your flesh! Oh god, this is horrible!” _

_ “You’re not done yet, fucker!” _

_ “So...say your last prayers before we string your wrotten corpse up for all to see! Now excuse me while I blow this faggot ginger’s brains ou- OH GOD NO-” _

A gunshot and laughter filled the speaker.

_ “Ha ha ha ha! Oh, what a glorious performance! Truly award winning! Priceless!” _

The line went dead.

“Akko, get up here now!” said Diana, terrified. “I’m locked in with the committee on the third floor and-”

_ “Okay, see, I’m going to have to stop you right there. One, I promised my boss that I’ll stay hidden, and I don’t break promises.” _

Had this been any other moment, Diana would’ve thought it as sweet. But now was not the time.

“Akko!”

_ “Second, my boss bought me a wonderful gift, and I plan to use it.” _

“AKKO!”

_ “Third, you don’t doubt me, do you?” _

The question threw Diana off guard. Ever since Akko saved her from her crazed aunt, she’s always been there for her. Sure, she caused massive damages here and there, and killed things other than vampires from time to time, but Akko’s abilities were unmatched and her loyalty was true. Ignoring the backtalk, sarcasm, and jokes, she was truly her greatest friend and protector.

“No. I don’t.”

_ “Then you would know that I heard the explosions and would’ve come straight to you if I could.” _

“You mean-”

_ “They got some sort of barrier in place. Not sure how, especially one that contains me, but I can’t get to you. So...I’m gonna watch some Inferno Cop until someone gets me. Peace!” _

Diana sighed, hanging up the line.

“Ana?!”

 

* * *

 

Merrill finished her slash, turning the four guards around her into bloodied pieces. With her skill and reflexes, no blood made it on to her white suit. In time with her attack was an orchestral ringtone, so she picked up the phone.

“Hello, Maril,” she said as the bodies fell to the ground.

_ “So, how’s my sister doing?” _

“You know, just killed a group of guards.”

_ “Shit, sis. You too? What’s your kill count at? Nah, don’t tell me.” _ Maril looked toward the blood-spattered hallway, filled with corpses and ghouls.  _ “I’m winning.” _

“They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs,” she said, opening the door. “Not really keeping a secret if you station a squad of guards around it.”

_ “Well, you have fun with Akko, sis. Take revenge for both of us. In the meantime, I’m gonna go greet our dear cousin Diana. Maybe I’ll greet the old guys too. Hey Ghouls! Who wants to help me say hello? The meat might be old, but it’ll surely be tender!” _

Merrill hung up the phone, smiling. “Well, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.

 

* * *

 

“Alright,” said Diana. “Ana and her assistant should be here any moment now.”

“But if the stairways are blocked, how are they going to-” Penwood was interrupted by a grate falling on his head, followed by Lotte crushing him. Ana, on the other hand, landed easily with impressive acrobatics for her age. The white-shirt purple vested bodyguard stood up.

“Sorry for being late, Lady Diana.”

“No problem. Thank you for coming, Ana.”

“Of course, Ma’am. What’s the situation?”

“The first two floors have been completely overrun. Communications are down, we have no men, and Akko is trapped in the basement. I know this is asking a lot, but do you have any plans?”

“Of course, Ma’am. I shall do exactly as the head maid does,” Ana pulled out razor sharp strings, almost invisible to the eye, “and tidy up.”

  
  
  


“I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck,” sang Maril, walking through the hall with her ghoul army behind her.

“I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck. Now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck. But I don’t give a shit, so I don’t a give a-”

Razor wires sliced through the ghouls behind Maril, washing the floors and walls with blood.

“Fuck!” Maril went on guard.

“Hello, Maril. My name is Anna C. Dornez. Ex-Vampire hunter and head maid to the Cavendish Organization,” said Anna, walking through the hallway with her wires at the ready. “I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. Including you, young miss.”

“Well if it isn’t Anna!” said Maril, grinning. “You haven’t changed a bit, except for a few more lines on your face. Still classy and loyal as ever. But guess what?”

Maril snapped, and the ghouls behind her formed a shield wall covering each other and her head to toe in armor.

“Your thin bloody wires aren’t going to do bullshit against armor this thick. What’s that, Maria? How thick is it?”

The ghouls began to march forward, their guns poised and ready.

“If my rage was physical, it’d be about half as thick as it. So it’s so thick that you’d need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don’t see anything on your wrinkly old ass!”

“Police Girl, if you may,” said Anna, calmly.

On the other side of the hall, Lotte laid down with her new gun, ready to fire.

“Bitches love cannons.”

A shell flew, punching through multiple lines of armored ghouls.

“Oh fuck, that’s an anti-tank rifle,” said Maril.

Another shot rang out, killing another line of ghouls.

“OH FUCK! THAT’S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!”

 

* * *

 

_ “Get on your knees. Beg for your life. Amuse m-” _

Inferno cop never finished his sentence, as the TV exploded, revealing Merrill. Akko let out a breath to calm herself, her face covered by her hat.

“That...was a seventy inch...plasma screen TV...gifted to me by  _ Diana _ .” She took in a breath. “Sooooo, how can I help you, strangely familiar looking person?”

“You must be the great Akko,” said Merrill, stepping over the rubble.

“Yup,” said Akko, not moving from her spot.

“I’ve studied quite a lot about you in preparation.”

“Oh?” Akko shifted in her seat, amused. “They have textbooks on me?”

Merrill nodded. “The nightwalker...who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human. A monster who’s power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself.”

“Sounds about right.”

“And! The one who killed my mother, Daryl Cavendish.”

“...Oooooohhhhh. That’s why you look so familiar! And why you sound so bitchy!”

“Are you really doing this right now?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Akko waved her hands in apology. “It’s just that some white-suited bitch, which looks pretty good, by the way, came here unannounced, blew up my gifted plasma screen TV, and declared to kill my master. How did that work out for your mother, again? Let’s ask her- oh wait. We can’t,  _ cause I killed her _ !” Akko began to giggle, trying to contain her anger.

“You know what, fuck it. My name is Merrill Cavendish, and in the name of my mother, I will  _ end  _ you!” She darted forward with her pistol in Akko’s face, only to find Akko’s gun pointed right at her.

“Jinx!”

 

* * *

 

Lotte tackled Maril to the ground, holding her arm behind her.

“Quite an impressive hold you have there. I guess you truly are a Police Girl.”

Lotte sighed, resigned to her fate, as Maril continued to struggle.

“You know what, Anna? I’m  _ sorry  _ for murdering all your guards and tearing up your mansion. I promise I learned my-” Anna stomped on her hand. “AH! Fuck! Take a joke, bitch!”

“You being here, your very words, your very existence pisses me off! So you’re going to tell me everything I want to know,” said Anna, prepping her wires.

“Alright, alright. I have the info you need. What you gotta do...is go to the nearest pharmacy, pick up something called ‘viagra,’ and it’ll help your old ass go  _ fuck  _ yourself!”

A number of groans distracted both Anna and Lotte, allowing Maril to kick herself free.

“And now the second reunion of the day! All your coworkers have decided to come back and give their greetings. They’re new and improved, and just dying to sink their teeth into something.”

Lotte and Anna shook with fear and anger over the sight of their men coming back as ghouls. Their uniforms still had tears and bullet holes from how they were killed, but their eyes and skin were now a ghostly purple.

“Now if you excuse me, I’ve got a cousin to kill!” Maril jumped over them, running toward the conference room.

“I’ve got your arm!” shouted Anna, wrapping her strings only to tear off the limb.

“Then shove it up your ass, grandma! Ahahaha!”

Maril kicked down the door only to reveal an armada of guns pointed toward her. All of the gentlemen were blindfolded while Diana sat in the middle, head resting against her hand.

“Well, that’s not fair at all, cuz.”

“To borrow your words, Maril, we don’t give a fuck!”

The guns unloaded into her, causing the vampire to release a stream of swears as bullets tore through her body. Diana secretly took extra joy with a hint of sadness of seeing her long-lost cousin gunned down. Still, after that threat, Diana made sure to fire extra quickly. Finally, Maril was thrown against a wall, sliding down and grunting in pain.

“Where...the fuck...did my ghouls go?”

“They’ve been..dealt with,” said Anna.

Elsewhere, Lotte ripped through the army. She tore off heads, limbs, and organs, splattering blood everywhere. Bodies were tossed, smashed, and eviscerated. All in all, it made Maril slightly aroused.

“Well, at least I won’t die dry,” she said, smiling evilly.

“Not yet, Maril!” Diana pointed her gun toward her cousin. “After all the shit you put me through as a child only to come back and kill all of my men, you’re going to spill everything you know or Anna will start peeling your skin like a potato!”

Maril laughed. “Nice try, Diana. You’re smarter than this! One, your stupid stuck-up ass doesn’t scare me. Two, you think my boss will let me spill any information!” In an instant, blue flames erupted around her body, consuming her. “And now I’m on fucking fire! So now it’s free game!”

Maril flipped them off. “Good fight, cuz! The ones who sent me were...Nazis.”

Maril’s voice echoed as her body turned to dust, her hand the only thing remaining. Diana, Anna, and Lotte could only stare in silence.

“I heard Alex Jones,” said Diana, glaring at her two subordinates. “Who else heard Alex Jones?”

“I heard the Cambodian Cartel,” said Anna, catching on to Diana’s desperation.

“I heard the T***p Administration with my vampire hearing,” said Lotte.

“Wait, where’s Merrill?”

 

* * *

 

In the basement, Akko wasn’t looking so good. Bullet holes filled her cloak and her body. None of her bullets seemed to hit Merrill as she darted instantaneously. Her body was thrown back as more shots found their mark, causing Akko to kneel down in a pool of her own blood.

“You can’t touch me! I was hand-crafted to kill you! My power, speed, and stamina rival, no, dwarf yours! Compared to you, I am a demigod!”

Merrill prepared to fire a final shot into Akko’s head when she began to giggle.

“Really?” asked Akko, her head turned down.

“Really.”

“Really?!”

“Really!”

“REALLY?!”

“REALLY!”

In the back of Akko’s mind, she heard Diana’s command and grinned with confidence. She put her hands into a rectangle around her eye as more eyes began to form around her shadowed body.

“Release restraint  **level one.”**

“Level what?” asked Merrill in confusion.

With lightning speed, a fiery shadow monstrosity appeared, taking out Merrill’s leg. She cursed as she fell toward the wall, afraid to look behind her.

**“You know they say that TV makes you violent, but I’d say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!”** growled Akko.

Her hair had become crazed, spiking out towards many directions while her eyes glowed crimson. She shot Merrill’s other leg, causing her to collapse and shout in pain.

**“I simply killed your mom because she just threatened to** **_shoot_ ** **Diana, so what the fuck do you think I’m gonna do after you threaten to kill me and your sister threatens to do all that shit to my master?!”**

_ “I have to...make it up the stairs. If I can make it up the stairs, then maybe…” _

Merrill looked up only to see the long stairway that only seemed to grow longer.

“Awwwwwww, fuck.”

**“Come on, Merrill! The fun is only beginning! I’m actually enjoying myself for once, especially with your power, speed, and stamina that ‘dwarves’ mine!”** She began to move closer toward Merrill while the victim in question began to fire her gun towards Akko.  **“You put up a better fight than your mother ever did, even without your legs! So come on!”**

With every statement, she stepped closer and closer.

**“Hit me! Fight me!”**

She now stood over her, dwarfing her in darkness, power, and fear.

**“Go Yay.”**

“...yay?”

**“That’s the spirit!”**

“Fuck you!” screamed Merrill, unloading her gun as Akko feasted upon her.

 

* * *

 

_ “Yeah, Yeah! That’s the stuff! I like a good fight! If the meal’s to easy to eat, then there’s no challenge!” _

Diana made sure to leave the speaker on as the rest of the gentlemen listened to the sounds of flesh being ripped apart. Various expressions filled their faces, but there was one undeniable common factor: Fear.

_ “Tonight’s show: Shiny Akko performs a magic trick by making this green-haired demigod wannabe bitch disappear into nothing!” _

“Who...is that exactly?” asked Penwood, knowing what was coming.

“Oh, that’s Akko,” said Diana, smiling sweetly. “This is what happens when anything remotely bad happens to us, or if she has to... _ entertain _ herself.” Her eyes turned innocent and surprised. “Oh, so what was that issue about our funding?”

“Issue?”

“What issue?”

“I don’t see an issue.”

“Shut up and take our  _ money _ !”

 

* * *

 

“Alls well that ends well, amirite Diana?”

The four Cavendish members were sitting in Diana’s office, exhausted from the day’s events.

“Surprisingly yes, other than the fact that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a blood rage.”

“What’s a blood rage?” asked Lotte, unsure of her very existence. “And...why don’t I remember anything?”

“I shall start cleanup tomorrow, Lady Diana,” said Anna.

“I’ve already contracted some outside help. I can’t let you do that alone.”

“Ah, thank you, Ma’am.”

“Speaking of the outside,” said Akko, leaning forward, “did you find out who sent your homicidal cousins after us?”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...It was the Nazis, wasn’t it?”

“No,” said Diana.

“Bet you I’m right,” teased Akko in a playful tone.

“Bet you you’re wrong,” said Diana, maintaining her stance.

“Bet you you’re being a stubborn  _ bitch _ .”

“Bet you you’re being an unbearable  _ arsehole _ !”

“BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!”

“Oh yeah!?”

“Yeah!”

“Then prove it!”

“I  _ will _ !”

With that, Diana and Akko left the office, still bickering, leaving behind Lotte and Anna.

“Ms. Yanson, I recommend we sleep at the  _ other  _ side of the mansion tonight. Preferably with as much soundproofing as we can.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I went ham and wrote another chapter. For anybody curious, this fic will not be fully finished until the last episode of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is released. In the meantime, thank you so much for reading, and any feedback is appreciated. Peace!
> 
> All credit goes to Team Four Star for writing the amazing script for Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.


	3. Mercenaries and Card Tricks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some new people get hired, a deal is made, and Akko takes a walk. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

_ “Vampire Queen.” _

_ The Vampire Queen opened her eyes, groaning in pain. A blackened sky filled her vision, along with a dark figure. The wet ground pressed against her back as she looked at the human who defeated her. _

_ “You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land.” _

_ Around the two were countless graves and crosses, showing the sheer amount of death caused by the vampire. With no sun or light, the land was truly bleak and colorless, reeking of despair. _

_ “Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed - All to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world.” _

_ Blue eyes looked down toward her in contempt. Long, wavy locks of green hair covered in blood, mud, and sweat ran down their body. There was a calm anger in their voice, knowing that the battle was finally over, but the damage could never be repaired. _

_ “A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground,  and over  _ **_twenty thousand_ ** _ impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men!” _

_ Beatrix Cavendish lifted the vampire up, glaring directly into her eyes. Instead of fear, amusement, or even anger, Beatrix only saw emptiness. It simultaneously saddened and angered her, seeing such a powerful monster disinterested in the destruction they caused. _

_ “What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?!  _ **_What say you now?!_ ** _ ” _

_ “...The Aristocrats.” _

 

Akko awoke to the phantom pain of getting stabbed. Instead of the outside, muddy hills, she was inside the manor, sitting in her chair. She hated those memories.

_ “Oh god.” _ She suddenly remembered something and smiled in glee.  _ “It’s orientation day!” _

 

* * *

 

“Listen close,” said Diana, addressing the people in the room. “You’ve all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Cavendish Organization. As you know, we deal with special interest targets. Terrorist, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of...a  _ mystical  _ persuasion,” she said, chuckling.

The mercenaries in the room laughed along with her. All were different sizes and stature with different sets of accessories, but there two common factors all of them shared. One: Their uniforms were all the same shade of dark blue, with some white shirts here and there. Two: All of them were women.

“Well..” said the leader, resting on a chair, “is there anything else we should know about the facility?”

“Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing-”

“HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!” said Akko, phasing through the wall.

Everyone started screaming except for two of the mercenaries.

“STOP SCREAMING!” shouted Diana, tired of...well...everything. The room quickly became silent.

“Are these who I think they are?” asked Akko, stepping out of the wall.

“Yes. They’re the mercenary group we contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in my cousins' assault.”

“Didn’t we have to-”

“Post mortality rates? Yes...they were the only group who applied.”

“Well, aren’t you all a bunch of brave and dumb sweeties?” Akko looked over the group, stopping at one specific girl. Unlike the others, she hadn’t screamed when she appeared. The pink-haired girl wore a hat, covering one of her red eyes with her hair while smiling darkly.

“Oh, there’s nothing sweet about us, you tanga puta.”

“Is...is that Filipino I hear?”

“The mercenaries of Luna Nova come from all over the world,” the leader said, standing up. “We fight anywhere, anytime, and any situation.” The woman was standing right up to Akko now. “With that in mind, we don’t take kindly to arrogant bitches like you, because those types usually end up dead first. By us.”

The whole room was silent as the mercenary and the vampire faced off. Diana wondered if she should call Akko back while the rest of the group wondered if their leader would die for real this time. Then, Akko laughed.

“Well, fuck me with a good time! You got some guts on you right there!” Akko raised out her hand. “To whom do I owe the pleasure?”

“Captain Sucy Manbavaran, at your service,” said the Filipino, shaking Akko’s hand. Light and screams filled the room as Akko flailed uncontrollably due to the electricity coursing through her body. Sucy let go and grinned.

“Oh good. It works,” she said, looking at the device on her palm.

“Oh...man…” Akko, who was currently smoking, struggled to stand up. “Nothing like an...electricution...to get the blood flowing.” She collapsed to the floor, much to the satisfaction of Sucy

“Lady Diana!” Anna burst into the door. “I apologize! I tried to stop her, but when I pleaded with her, she merely responded with, ‘fuck rules and living straight.’ She then proceeded to tilt every painting she passed on the way here.”

From the ground, Akko giggled manically.

“Beatrix help me.” Diana sighed into her hands. “Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.”

“Speaking of headaches,” said Anna, pulling out something, “a very curious letter arrived in the mail.”

While calm at first, Diana’s eyes quickly found the sender of the letter. Her fists clenched, her teeth grit, and her rage intensified.

“ _ Louis Blackwell?  _ That filthy, slimy,  _ arrogant,  _ **misogynistic PIECE OF SH-”**

 

* * *

 

“Blackwell, it’s been  _ far  _ too long,” said Diana, sweetly. She and Anna were in a museum meeting the Catholic representative. The sunroof’s light basked everything, the paintings, marble, and people, in a warm glow that juxtaposed the mood in the room.

“I agree. You and I aren’t as young as we used to be,” he said. The blonde man was dressed in a button up dress shirt and a purple vest and pants, exuding arrogance and bigotry. “Look at all those lines on your face.”

“And look at all the brown on your nose,” said Diana, doing her best to hold back. “How  _ is _ the Pope doing?”

“Better than your failing church,” said Blackwell, smirking.

“Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.”

“But you didn’t waste time with Africa and India!”

“Honestly,” said Akko, phasing through a wall, “if you’re trying to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, which you would lose if you fought Diana, you must have started off with the world’s cruelest handicap. Probably better for little boy chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how?”

A mixture of disgust and fear took over Blackwell’s face as Akko looked him dead in the eyes.

“Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God.” She stepped closer. “All over his back.”

Blackwell hit his boiling point. “AMANDA!”

Across the hallway, a familiar figure stood, armed with swords and blades.

“Blessed is she who shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness.” Amanda began to walk forward relentlessly.

“You got me a present?!” said Akko, a crazy grin taking over her face as she pulled out her pistols.

“ And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, and you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!”

Both women drew their weapons, ready to fight. Smoke seemed to fill the air as the tension grew, the spectators starting to feel unsure about their decision to start a fight. Maniac giggles began to fill the air as Akko and Amanda became more and more excited to fight. This was going to be awesome. No holding back. No interruptions. Just an immortal vampire and an invincible Catholic about to face off-

“Right this way, Group C!”

Lotte led a group of old people right between Akko and Amanda.

“That’s right! Right between these two statues of destructions that totally aren’t real people! We’re going to look at some art and paintings, but I don’t know which ones because I forgot to read the fine print and spent too much time reading the new Nightfall volume.”

As the group moved on, Akko deflated. “Whelp, I’m turned off.”

“Yeah,” said Amanda, putting away her swords. “Kind of a mood killer.”

“You wanna try this again later?”

“Of course! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.”

“You too, you Catholic sociopath.”

Diana and Blackwell both breathed out sighs of relief. Another bloodbath avoided.

“You...want some coffee?” asked Blackwell.

“...I’d love some,” said Diana, relaxing.

 

* * *

 

A few minutes later, both were sitting outside of a cafe, enjoying the clear skies.

“So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting,” said Diana after sipping some coffee.

“Consider this a...business transaction,” said Blackwell, tapping his briefcase. “I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.”

The statement perked Diana’s interest, but she made no move to indicate so. “And what would those be?”

“The true identity of Millennium.”

“Who?”

“The organization who assaulted your compound.”

Memories of Maril’s last words and her... _ disagreement _ ...with Akko flashed through her head. “Ah, yes. There was some disagreement about that.”

“In addition, the whereabouts of Millennium,” said Blackwell, knowing that he got her interest.

Diana grew suspicious, directing her glare towards Blackwell. “And what could you possibly want in exchange?”

“Nothing major. Just two simple apologies from you and your subordinate known as ‘ShinyCrimsonFuckr!’ Also known as Akko.”

“...So you want an apology from me.” Diana crossed her arms, unamused.

“I figured that you couldn’t control her directly, but didn’t want to assume.”

Diana sighed, preparing for the worst. “If I may ask, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?”

“Normally, I’d ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant Pig Sow!”

Diana suddenly wished she didn’t have that agreement with the church and that Akko was here right now.

“But for now, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.”

“What did she do  _ this _ time?”

“Over the last couple of years, she has sent no less than two hundred death threats to various figures in the Vatican. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just...fly right into our churches! The latest one to Pope Francis read as such:

_ “Dear Pope Francis, _

_ Hi! I’m Atsuko Kagari, but you can call me Akko. Your actions over your first few months as Pope have impressed me! No child molestation, no prosecution, no hatred. I can respect that and you. I am simply writing this letter out of courtesy and tradition.  _

_ You see, some of your coworkers have been...less than nice to people like me: Female, gay, etc. I’ve also heard that do not share your same views and have been criticizing you. As of such, I have a tradition where I send death threats about their imminent demise, and I can’t be making exceptions now. However, you have nothing to worry about if you don’t piss me off, okay? _

_ If you’re curious about how often I send these letters, I try to instill as much fear as I can, like putting as much flavor into Ramen broth, which I will then proceed to poor all over my body and then have hot lesbian sex. _

_ Speaking of which, I’m going to do that right now. _

_ Follow me @ShinyCrimsonFuckr _

_ Sincerely, Akko” _

After reading, Diana could’ve sworn she smelled something coming from the basement before they left. Shaking off her feelings, she gave the letter back to Blackwell.

“I can’t help but ponder the kind of progress we'd make if she put the energy spent here into her actual job.”

“Sooo...” Maxwell’s tone was innocent, but his eyes were smug. “That apology~?”

Diana huffed. “I’m sor-”

 

* * *

 

“So that’s where they are,” said Diana. She had just finished explaining the situation to Anna, who was deep in thought.

“Interesting, but did you think it was wise to send Akko to a dense urban center?”

“I didn’t. As soon as I told her Millennium was in Brazil, she grabbed the Police Girl and Captain Manbavaran and took off in the private jet. I’m glad she took initiative, but I’m worried about what that might entail.”

 

* * *

 

“Jesus wants a hug!” said Akko as they stepped out of their taxi and into their hotel.

“Why did you two wear suits to Brazil, anyway?” asked Lotte, still dressed in her usual uniform. Akko and Sucy wore black and white suits respectively, looking posh and formal in the South American heat.

“Don’t you like what you see?” asked Sucy, grinning slyly toward Lotte while she tried to look away. Akko, meanwhile, had gone to the front desk.

“Here you are, ma’am. A regular two bedroom,” said the clerk, giving a friendly smile.

“Hilarious,” said Akko, stepping forward. “No. I want the penthouse.”

“I’m...sorry, ma’am, but Mr. Jogan Laul currently has that room reserved.”

**“I said,”** Akko put her finger to the clerk’s forehead, “you want to give me the penthouse.”

“I…want to give you the penthouse,” said the clerk, their eyes red.

“And you want to kick out Jogan Laul because he’s an asshole.”

“And I want to kick out Jogan Laul because he’s an asshole.”

“See, Sucy? I can make him say whatever I want.” Sucy walked over, curious and amused. “Watch this. Kill la Kill was deep and meaningful.”

“Kill la Kill was deep and meaningful,” said the clerk, smiling with insight and hope.

“See? They believe it, too!”

“Ha!” Sucy smirked. “Say Darling in the Franxx was a coherent show.”

“Darling in the Franxx was a coherent show.”

“Bleach was the best of the big three.”

“Ero Manga Sensei was a masterpiece.”

“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

 

* * *

 

_ “Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. ShinyCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat, ShinyCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I’m choosing the damned nicknames next time.” _

Sucy stepped out of the penthouse door into the pillared hall, enjoying the feel of the blood-red carpet under her shoes.

“So...you wanna get a drink later? Hit up a club?” she asked Akko.

“You know what? Sure!” Akko gave out a genuine smile. “Come back later tonight, and we’ll take a...walk...through the city. Also, on your way out, tell that guy behind the pillars to stop spying on me. It’s creepy.”

_ “Shit shit shit!” _

“Until then, I can just kick back and reeeeeela-”

 

* * *

 

_ “Shots fired from the suite on the top floor,” _ said the news anchor, standing across the street from the hotel. Sucy, who had begun getting ready, froze in place.  _ “The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young Finnish woman and some sort of Japanese rock idol.” _

_ “Shit,” _ thought Sucy.

 

“Shit shit shit.” Diana ran to her phone and speed-dialing Akko. “Come on you vampiric bitch, pick up the damned phone!”

The dial tone played for a few seconds for the other line was picked up.

_ “Moshi moshi?” _

“What. Did. You. Do?” said Diana, short on patience and sanity.

_ “...You can’t be mad at me-” _

“ _ What _ ...did you do?”

_ “Okay. First...I was  _ minding  _ my  _ own business. _ ” _

“BULLSHIT, ATSUKO!”

_ “I waaaaaaaaas,”  _ whined Akko.

“And exactly  _ what _ happened whilst you were ‘minding your own business?’”

_ “I was just chilling in my penthouse suite, which I made sure didn’t come out of our funding, when these schmucks kicked in my door.” _

 

_ The SWAT team rushed in, fully armed with assault weapons and armor. _

 

_ “One of them yelled:” _

 

_ “Get on your knees!” said one of the SWAT units, aiming his gun toward Akko. _

 

_ “And I responded with:” _

 

_ “I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!” _

 

_ “...and they took exception to that.” _

 

_ All of the units opened first, their bullets tearing through Akko and the window behind her. Her body slumped to the ground, unmoving. _

 

_ “Buuuuuut, you know how that routine goes. Blood, screams, death, you know. Aaaaand, I killed all but one of them.” _

“What happened to the last one?” asked Diana, already imagining the answer.

The image of a whimpering man shooting himself came into Akko’s memory.

_ “Choose the easy and painless way out. You think I can sue the hotel for allowing me to get shot on their premises?” _

 

* * *

 

Away from the hotel, the police had set up a temporary base inside a tent, housing a number of high ranking, but very corrupt, officers.

“So...we sent like ten guys up there, and we haven’t heard back. Think everything’s alright?” asked one of the officers.

“Of course, don’t worry about it,” said a well-dressed gentleman in a fedora. “Everything’s fine.”

“Well...no matter what, we’re still going to get our immortality, right?”

“Buddy, my friend, do I like a gentleman who would go back on an agreement?” The man looked up. “By the way, you may want to send more men.”

“...Well, that sounds reasonable.”

 

* * *

 

“Akko?”

_ “Yes?” _

“Put the police girl on the phone.”

_ “Oh, you’re going to chew her out for once? Sweet! It’s not like I’m jealous or anything.” _

Their voices grew quieter for a few moments.

_ “Take the fucking call.” _

_ “What does she want?” _

_ “I don’t fucking know, she wanted to talk to you and not me. I’m…” _

_ “Hello?”  _ asked Lotte.

“Whatever you do, don’t let Akko leave that room under any circumstance!”

_ “Actually, she just left. She said she was going for a...walk?” _

**“NOOOO!”**

 

The speakers in the hallway leading to the penthouse began to play a smooth piano tune, distracting the second SWAT squad. Akko calmly walked out in step to the rhythm, readying her two pistols. The once brightly lit hallway was now darkened, setting the perfect mood for Akko.

“Hey guys! Everybody have life insurance?”

All of the SWAT units began screaming and firing at her.

“GOOD TO KNOW!”

Akko began to twirl, firing her pistols into her attackers. Their bodies exploded into pieces like bloody water balloons while their screams echoed in the hall. Akko dodged and weaved, crossing her arms and firing constantly. It was a fun game for her with no real danger. How many could she kill without getting hit? Nobody escaped her wrath, especially the men who tried to run via elevator.

Once she arrived at the bottom floor, she tossed anybody still living outside of the lobby doors. All sailed in the air before landing onto the flagpoles, impaling them in a bloody and dramatic display that caused a tsunami of fear in the gathered crowd. Finally, Akko herself stepped outside for all to see, still in her signature red cloak.

“I heard you know how to make an entrance,” said a brown-haired gentleman, walking into view. “If I had known you were going to do all this, I’d have hung some flags for you. Do you prefer Union Jacks or Sun Marks?”

“Hold on,” said Akko, curious. “Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?”

“I am Thomas Alhambra... or the Dandy Man,” he said, bowing. “I may or may not have fed a lie to the local police that in return for your capture, I’d grant them immortality.”

“And they fucking bought that?” asked Akko, surprised and smiling.

“ Like discount Halloween candy,” he said, smirking.

“You cheeky bastard,” said Akko, actually amused for once. “So them, what’s the deal?”

“I heard you like having fun, so I wish to play a card game,” he said, taking a card between his fingers.

“I love games! Is it fifty-two pickup?”

“No,” Thomas said, pulling more cards from nowhere and throwing them between his hands at lightning speeds and in physically impossible paths. “More like fifty-two CUT-UP!” He threw a set of cards toward Akko, who narrowly dodged the destruction.

“Hit me~,” she said, landing behind her opponent.

The Dandy Man threw another attack, killing the police behind Akko after she jumped out of the way.

 

“Oh my god, why are they doing this outside?” asked Diana, furrowing her brow at the screen.

 

Akko continued to move around, dodging all of Thomas’ cards. His attacks did find new marks in the form of collateral damage.

 

“Well, at least she’s just dodging them,” said Diana, trying to find a silver lining.

 

Right as she said this, Akko began to fire back. Thomas dodged her shots, causing the bullets to hit the police behind him instead. Their bodies fell into a bloody mess while the cardmaster and the vampire continued their fight.

 

Diana slammed her hands on her desk. “Oh come on! That was on purpose!”

 

The two continued to trade attacks, staying mobile to avoid damage. Akko anticipated Thomas’ movement and shot ahead, catching him in the neck. The body disintegrated into cards, flying into the air.

“Card clones? I wanna learn that trick!”

An explosion behind her threw Akko to the ground.

“You activated my trap card,” said Thomas, snapping his fingers.

“Oh shit~!”

A ring of cards surrounded Akko and slammed into the ground. Thomas chuckled at his handiwork, confident he did some damage.

“Hey, Dandy-Dick!”

The cardmaster looked up to see the vampire clinging to a wall.

“You missed!” she said, climbing towards the roof.

 

* * *

 

“You think Alhambra can take her?” asked one of the police officers, sitting at the table in the tent.

“Calm down, son. It’s fine. I’m focusing on what I’m going to do with my immortality.”

“Well- jokes on you! I’m getting double immortali-HUK!”

“Isa,” said Sucy, counting her kills in time with her silenced pistol shots.

“Dalawa...tatlo, apat, lima.”

Every shot was met with a shortened scream, followed by a body hitting the ground.

“No, no no no no no no-”

“Anim, pito.”

Every corrupt officer in the tent was dead, so Sucy tossed one of her firebombs into the tent and walked out, humming her national anthem as she did so. As the explosion went off behind her, she stayed unmoved, simply enjoying the smell of napalm and smoke.

“I wonder if Akko still wants that drink?”

 

* * *

 

“Damn...I could really go for a drink right now,” Akko said as she crawled across the rooftop. Her body was mangled by various cuts and explosions, leaving a river of blood as she moved. “Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy’s got magic cards...and magic hands. Not as good as Diana’s, though.”

“Tell me, Akko,” said Thomas, standing confidently, “do you gamble?”

“Not really. That’s your gimmick, not mine,” she said, trying to stand up.

“I’d like to make a little bet with you.” He pulled out a new set of magic cards. “I’ll end your life...with one hand.”

“You know what? I’ll take that bet. Now…” Akko rose to her full height and then some, framing herself in front of the full moon that seemed to turn red. Her hair and cloak began to defy gravity as she radiated with dark energy. “HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!”

The Dandyman through both cards, the sheer force creating new slices in the concrete, yet Akko was unfazed. In fact, she was unfazed, as her very body seemed to turn into glowing-red shadows filled with eyes. Finally, her fingers were in a rectangle around her eye.

“See this super-rare card?  **It’s my treasure.”**

“What?”

Before Thomas could react, a rifle shot hit his hand. It was followed by a volley of bullets, forcing him to go on the defensive. A moving ring of cards surrounded him as the did his best to find out where the shots were coming from.

“How’s this for a trump card?” said Lotte, pulling out her anti-tank rifle and firing a shot. The cardmaster sliced the shell cleanly in two, the fragments kicking up smoke around him.

“I’m getting real tired of this shit.”

**“You and me both.”**

As fear began to take hold of him, Thomas tried to slice the entity behind him only to be given a broken arm. He screamed in pain as Akko smashed through it, exposing his flesh.

**“Now, show me your hand,”** said Akko, prepping her free hand to attack.  **“DANDY MAN!”**

Thomas gave one last shout as he attacked with his free arm. Akko’s hand and his card met in an explosion of power that sent a shockwave through the whole building. Electricity seemed to form out of thin air as two seemingly unstoppable forces met. Eventually, one had to break. Akko’s hand tore through not just the card, but through Thomas’ whole arm as well. As he screamed in agony, Akko grabbed his face, silencing his screams but not his terrified whimpers.

“Hey, Dandy Man?”

“Huh?”

“You lost.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, accepting his fate.

“And now I have to read your mind…”

“Huh?” He seemed much more scared.

“By drinking all of your blood.”

Thomas began to scream once more.

“OM NOM NOM NOM!”

As the blood touched Akko’s tongue, she started to see neon colors.

_ “The fuck is this?” _

The neon colors began to form solid shapes, and it seemed as though Akko was flying through alternate dimensions where reality seemed to change every second.

_ “Is this what psychedelics are like?” _

The images kept shifting, and it seemed as Akko was descending further and further into color and madness.

_ “I think I’m gonna take Sucy up on her offer.” _

Finally, Akko saw what she wanted. A single man with a posh and clean haircut. An epic choir in the background. A red flag in the background, the middle white with familiar black lines. It was exactly what she thought it was.

Once Akko’s mind returned to the surface, she began laughing. It slowly turned louder and more unhinged as she began clapping.

“Master?” asked Lotte.

“Hold on! I need to tweet about this.”

 

* * *

 

Diana sighed as she read Akko’s latest tweet. She simply put her head down on her desk and did her best to not slam it.

“Lada Diana, is something the matter?” asked Anna.

“It’s...the fucking...

 

* * *

 

“Naziiiis!” said Andrew, sitting in his chair.

“Major, I’m so sorry for the failure of the Dandy Man.”

“No worries, Doktor Frank.” Andrew weaved his fingers together. “He was merely a pawn who died feeding a much bigger beat a valuable piece of information.”

“But Major,” said the Doktor, nervously. “Now that they know of our plans-”

“That is the strategy, Herr Doktor. Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plan, so we shall in turn plan around the plan that they are planning around our plan!”

“Your brilliance truly knows no bounds!”

“And regardless, we have one advantage that they sorely lack.”

After pushing a button, the men were raised up to the top level of their craft.

_ “Zeppelins!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't know, this fic is pure self-indulgence and based off of Team Four Star's series Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. Any and all comments are welcome. Until next time! Peace!


	4. Preparations and Shoutcasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendships are formed and people are killed. What more could you ask for?

_ “Say it.” _

“Fuck you.”

_ “Looking forward to that, but only after you say it.” _

“You’re really going to force me on this?”

_ “I don’t get to disprove you too often. I  _ **_need_ ** _ to hear this.” _

“Fine!” Diana glared at her phone. “You were right!”

Akko began to moan in pleasure, purely at the thought of trumping Diana. The noble, in response, began to turn red with rage and embarrassment.

“Jump up your own ass and DIE!” She slammed the phone close, cutting the line.

“Ahhhh, what a magical feeling,” said Akko, relaxing into her chair.

Suddenly, a familiar Catholic sociopath kicked the door down, alerting both Lotte and Sucy. The former cried in fear while the latter jumped in surprise.

“Okay. Amanda. I just- I just finished, and I’m gonna need like...a couple minutes to recharge.”

Amanda, not listening, walked forward and punched Akko in the face. She flew backward, handspringing into a fighting pose with both pistols drawn.

“Nevermind! We’re back in business!”

As Lotte and Sucy moved to attack her from behind, Amanda threw a bayonet, landing right next to Lotte’s head on the wall. Lotte collapsed to the ground, shaking in fear, while Sucy remained on the defensive.

“I’m not here to fight,” said Amanda, lowering her weapons.

“You broke down our door and punched me!”

“Just saying hello!”

“Oh really? Then let me greet you back as payback for scaring my apprentice.”

Akko punched Amanda in the face, and while the American stumbled back, she remained standing.

“...Alright, that was badass,” said Akko, impressed at Amanda’s resilience.

“The good Lord has handed down a blessing to you  _ filthy heathens _ as a sign of good will: A small private Vatican jet for one Atsuko Haricot Kagari.”

“Wait, your middle name is Haricot?” asked Sucy, snickering. “Isn’t that some kind of bean?”

“Laugh again and you destroy what little friendship I have with you,” said Akko coldly. “And trust me: I don’t give it out too often.”

“Now, if you would be so kind as to ship your pale ass out, and take your two guard dogs with you!”

“Alright! Alright!” Sucy picked up Lotte, who was still trembling, while Akko grabbed their luggage. “Though, I don’t know what I find funnier: The Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact you obviously haven’t seen what I did to the statue of Big J~!”

Akko and Sucy ran from the room while Amanda processed the information she just learned. As the private jet flew away, the Catholic warrior looked up.

 

**“L1F3 H4RD T!DDY W4RM AND S0FT”**

 

Amanda proceeded to commit vocal suicide.

 

* * *

 

Diana sat at the end of the conference table in the Queen’s Hall. To her right sat representatives from the Iscariot Organization.

“The banner won’t come down, Bishop Blackwell. We believe it’s some sort of magic!”

To her left were various representatives from the military, including Sir Penwood. Behind her in the shadows was the Queen herself, elevated by a set of steps. The high ceilings and the grand pillars would make anyone else nervous, but Diana was only annoyed. She checked her clock, seeing that Akko had just one minute.

_ “What do you mean you forgot the song? It should be right there!” _ Diana and the others heard Akko’s voice through the door, and she prepared herself for the worse.  _ “...you found it? Great! Now Diana won’t be mad at me for being late. Alright, three, two...” _

_ “De...spa…” _

The door was kicked open, revealing Akko, Lotte, and Sucy. As Akko began to walk in, the rest of Despacito played, echoing throughout the hall. Losing her composure, Akko snatched the phone from Lotte’s hands.

“That...was the wrong song. We’re doing this again, okay?”

Before anyone could say anything, Akko dragged the two outside and closed the doors.

_ “...Why the hell was shuffle on? There. I queued it. All you have to do is hit play, okay? Just do it.” _

The hum of a guitar began to play, and Diana immediately recognized the song. When the drums came in, it only took three beats before the door was kicked in once again, filling the entire hall with an impressive rock guitar solo. Akko walked in tempo, sizing up both the military personnel and the Catholic church.

_ “The Devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin’ for a soul to steal. He was in a bind cause he was behind, and was willing to make a deal-” _

Akko shut the speaker and phone off.

“Okay. My fault. That didn’t work either. It did not work.”

Diana smirked. “Following your example?”

“Oooh, catty,” said Akko, sending a look Diana’s way. “Trying to turn me on?” Akko looked past Diana and recognized a familiar face. “Oh shit! Is it Croix?” Akko began to walk toward the Queen.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said a guard, moving to intercept her. “You’re going to have to-”

“Out of my way!” Akko simply tossed the two aside.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my favorite vampire,” said the lilac-haired queen, reaching out to clutch her face. “You’re still as young as all those years ago.”

“You know it. Reminds me of those cold nights during the Blitz.”

“Those were better days.” The queen sighed. “I was younger, beautiful…”

“Oh shut up, you old hag. I’d still wreck you like Diana!”

The Cavendish noble choked on her breath. Hiding the red on her cheeks, she glared toward Akko, only to see her hair glowing redder than usual. Probably with lust. The two’s voices were also quieter, holding a private conversation that nobody in the room wanted to hear.

“Akko, if you please.”

“You’re right,” the vampire said, standing up. “Enough focusing on the past.”

She turned to address the gathered council. “Instead, let’s focus on the past!”

Shadows covered the whole room, allowing everybody to see Akko’s memories. Which, considering how bloody and violent they were, nobody wanted to.

“Back in World War II, Anna and I were part of a top-secret government operation called ‘Kraut Control.’ Anna was fifteen, and we had a blast!”

Various images of gunfire and wire-cutting appeared in everyone's mind.

“We were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!”

“Seems you missed a spot,” said Diana, which broke the illusion and the shadows.

“Are you- are you gonna do this now? In front of everybody?”

“The point is,” said Diana, crossing her hands and leaning on them, “that enough members survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They’ve established a base in Brazil and are using the name-”

“Millennium!”

All eyes turned toward a blonde-haired girl dressed in a Nazi uniform. There was a round of gasps as Sucy and another Catholic guard pulled their guns out, ready to fire.

“Wait!” She put her hands up. “You know the term...Don’t shoot the messenger?”

“How did she get in here?” asked Diana.

“We had over a dozen guards,” said Anna, wondering the same thing herself.

“Those were ours?” asked Akko, remembering having to knock a few schmucks out. “I mean- Oh my god, how did she get through the guards?”

The girl in question placed a TV on the conference table.

“My commanding officer, Ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself along with our wonderful organization,” she said, smiling. She took out a remote and pressed button, only for nothing to happen.

“Blair?” said a voice immediately.

“It’s not working!”

“What source are you on?”

“Video two?”

“It’s supposed to be video one.”

“Got it!” she said as the image of the Major came through.

“Hello there,” he said, smirking.

“Holy shit!” said Akko. “Is that Andrew Hambridge!? In a white suit? The only guy who even made me remotely consider men?!”

“Oh, if it isn’t the memorable Akko,” he said with a hint of nostalgia. “As well as her provider, Lady Diana, the bean counters, and, of course, and very interesting to see, the Vatican. How does it feel to work with your sworn enemies Father Blackwell?”

Blackwell looked at him with a cold, dull expression. “Not as painful as your obnoxious ego.”

“Ah, don’t be like that,” said the Major, smiling warmly. “We used to be friends with the Vatican. Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?”

The bishop’s expression went from neutral to terrified in an instant.

“Oh, I guess they weren’t supposed to know that.”

“So that’s how you knew about them?” asked Diana, two seconds away from feeding Blackwell to Akko.

He simply sighed in defeat. “Yes. It was a mistake of the past, and a burden passed down generation to generation.”

“I’m sure you’re eager to find out what we have in store for you, no?”

“Nazi Army,” said Diana.

“...I know you were smart, but wow! Just kill all the fun. Put the fun in camps, why don’t you?”

“Yeah, you fun-Nazi,” said Akko.

“Get to the fucking point!” shouted Diana, losing her patience with everyone around her.

“Well, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but at some time, some place,  _ something  _ will attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right now. You would know about surprise attacks, right Akko?”

“Hell yeah I do- wait, is that a Pearl Harbor joke?”

While the Major continued to talk, Blair began to shift closer to Lotte.

“Hey Fräulein!” she said. Lotte looked towards her, eyebrows raised in a questioning glare. “We would make wonderful children!” Her cheeks turned crimson.

At once, both Akko and Sucy pointed their guns and blew her head off.

“Was that girl bugging you?” both women said at the same time.

“And like that, the war begins!” said the Major, smiling like a maniac.

“Whoops! Did I just accidentally another war?” both women said at the same time again before looking at each other.

“Where and/or which one?” asked Akko.

“The Middle East,” said Sucy. “You?”

“Police Girl!” shouted Diana, interrupting their conversation.

Lotte swiftly blew up the TV with her rifle.

“Eh, they could’ve looked better,” she said, pondering Blair’s words.

“Now Akko, clean that u-”

The body of the Nazi messenger had disappeared.

“...uh...Oh.”

“Oh wow,” said Akko. “Looks like she was self-cleaning. And/or magical.”

“Diana? Akko?” Both women stood up as they were addressed by the queen. “When you find him, I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.”

There was silence throughout the whole hall, then...

“Jesus fucking  _ Christ, I’ve missed you! _ ” said Akko, her voice warping.

“Hey!” shouted Blackwell.

“Oh shut up. Only Amanda can stop me.”

 

* * *

 

“I would say that went well, Major,” said the Doktor, walking through the metal hallway.

“No need to sound apprehensive. I was there, and much like our former boss, I  _ killed  _ it.”

The Major, Doktor, and General walked into the command room to the sight of Blair sitting on the leader’s chair.

“Let us hope the major does not end up the same. We do not have the freezer space to store all the... _ incidental leftovers _ ,” she said.

“Major,” said the Doktor. “I apologize for her disrespect!” He grabbed Blair and gently took her out of the chair.

“Ah, don’t worry. Rigidness was my father’s style, and you know how he ended up.” He took his seat. “Nonetheless, it is time for phase two of our operation: our operative’s excursion to the English Channel.”

 

* * *

 

A distance away, a helicopter flew on its course toward an aircraft carrier.

“Sir!” said one of the console operatives. “There’s an inbound helicopter trying to land!”

“That seems odd,” said the officer. “Commander Violet, do you know-”

The commander in question revealed his fangs, ready to attack.

“Oh god, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE PURPLE!”

One bloody mess later, the incoming helicopter landed, and an orange-haired woman stepped out with a rifle.

“The ship is now under your command, Miss Wangari.”

“Glad to hear!” she said, twirling toward the vampire officers. “Before we get down to business, I love a good story, so would you indulge me, Captain?” Before he could answer, she continued. “Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them into ghouls, betraying your family and country, all for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?”

The man was speechless. Even with his violet skin and fangs, his expression was one of shame and shock.

“Wow...uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt.”

“And that is why storytelling is important, dear Captain,” said Wangari, walking away. “Victors get to write the story and frame it however they want, but I’m the one who makes sure it’s entertaining. And honestly?”

She sent him a death glare while grinning happily.

“Compared to when Akko shows up, your story means nothing.”

 

* * *

 

“Anna? May I confide in you?” asked Akko in a rare moment of calmness.

“In your current state? Of course.”

“I am positively  _ ecstatic  _ over these guys returning. Can you guess what my three favorite things to kill are?”

“Hmm, if I had to guess, I’d say the Turks, the Nazis…”

“Can you guess the first?”

“...Your father?”

“Nailed it!” Akko clapped her hands together. “These guys hurt us. They hurt Diana. If I recall, they even managed to poison Diana’s grandmother before she locked me away.”

“Ah yes. I believe that’s why Lady Bernadette had a weakened body when she was born, leading to her early death.”

“The point is, I’m  _ angry _ , and with the sheer volume of these guys coming back,” Akko’s eyes glowed crimson,  **“I’ve got plenty of stress to relieve.”**

“As long as you don’t cause too much collateral. Otherwise, I believe Lady Diana would die of a heart attack first.”

“Heh. You’re right.” Akko looked at Anna, one of the few people in the world she came to respect and befriend. “If I’m not there, please protect Diana, okay?”

Anna remembered the moment Daryl sent her on a mission far away. She should’ve seen it coming because that was when the jealous aunt struck. It was her one failure as a bodyguard. If Diana hadn’t found Akko...

“It’s what I’ve always done and shall continue to do, Master Akko.”

 

* * *

 

Elsewhere, a path of dead Nazis led to Amanda, currently on the phone with Blackwell.

“I see. It’s now open season for these heathen swine!”

_ “While I mirror your fervor to lay still upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, Amanda, there is a much bigger foe knocking at our door.” _

“Let them knock on the door of Cavendish, and as the Nazi wolves huff and puff, we’ll skewer the pigs ourselves.”

_ “...regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God.” _

Amanda smiled in excitement. “I see. So this...is a crusade!”

_ “Hmm...while it is, I don’t believe we say that anymore. We’re calling it...what’s the term your people say?” _

Amanda chuckled evilly. “Peacekeeping?”

_ “Right! Now, shall we...keep the peace?” _

Amanda sliced down another group of Nazis, enjoying the sound of their screams.

“Only until it’s time to slide the knife!”

 

* * *

 

Diana, Anna, Penwood, and a number of officers sat in the command center for the British military. It was a circular room with monitors and consoles on every wall, as well as multiple levels and a giant round table in the middle.

“We lost communication with the carrier eighteen hours ago. Currently, it’s resting in the Atlantic three-hundred kilometers off the coast of Pauling.”

“Have you acquired visual via satellite?” asked Diana.

“Yes,“ said an officer. “They left a rather cryptic bloody message, in fact.”

Diana looked at the photo. On the runway was the phrase,  _ “Fite me!” _ in blood.

“I...I don’t understand this.”

“None of us know what it means, either.”

“What word is that? Is it in another language?”

“There’s another shot we have, which appears to be someone sitting in the middle with an orange parasol.”

Diana looked at the picture, frowning. “It’s too small to be a parasol. I believe it’s...their hairstyle?”

“We’ll know soon enough for sure,” said Penwood. “The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter! They’ll have visual any moment now.”

Diana merely remained silent with a tired expression.

“Ma’am?” asked Anna.

“Wait for it...” said Diana.

“We’ve lost both helis!” shouted an operator. “And I believe her message was ‘Fight me.’ Like...the actual word ‘fight.’ Just saying.”

“Well, this has been fun,” said Diana, closing her eyes. “An impressive display of military might you have here. Since it seems you have this under control, I’ll leave you to it-”

“Wait!” said Penwood, reaching out and swallowing his pride. “Based on new information that has been presented to us, we’ve decided that we...require the Cavendish Organization and their services.”

“...It’s astonishing how much time and people we could save if you would simply ask us in the first place.” Penwood looked down in shame as the noble and bodyguard left.

 

“We’re talking a hefty game, Lady Diana,” said Anna once the two were out of earshot. “Three-hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.”

“And we can’t risk sending a submarine,” said Diana, in thought. “It could be loaded with depth charges down there.”

“Can’t go at it from the sides, can’t go at it from below.”

“Then we’ll have to take them out from above.”

“We do have one option, but it was decommissioned in 1998.”

“The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird,” said Akko, stepping out of the shadows. “An advanced, long-range, strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of  _ 85,000 feet! _ ” She finished with a dramatic pose.

“You seem to be quite knowledgeable about that ship,” said Diana, impressed by Akko.

“Am I going to be rewarded for that?” said Akko, sending a sly smile her way.

 

* * *

 

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody else!” said Wangari into her headset while standing on the blood-covered deck. “Tonight we have a very special event!”

“What is she doing?” asked one of the grunts.

“I believe she is trying to hype herself up.”

“Or shoutcasting. It’s a cool skill. Especially when it’s your own game”

“We are here, three- _ hundred _ kilometers off the coast into the Atlantic! The time is midnight, and it’s a full moon, like any other night! On one side, a massive crew of vampires, armed to the teeth with high caliber rounds and turrets, as well as me! On the other side, Akko Haricot Kagari! She may be a klutz, and her middle name means ‘bean,’ but she is the oldest and most dangerous vampire in existence.”

Her ears perked up, and she grinned.

“Speak of the devil.” She turned towards her men. “SHE’S HERE! HIT THE MUSIC!”

“What?” asked one of the officers.

“PREPARE FOR COMBAT! IT’S AKKOOOOOO!”

85,000 feet above, Akko grinned sadistically, sensing the strength of her opponent.

The speakers began to blare AC/DC’s ‘Shoot to Thrill’ as the guns ripped to life. Light filled the air as the Blackbird flew straight down, narrowly dodging all of the Anti-Air fire.

“The Vampire makes her move, diving straight down! The guns just can’t seem to keep up! Is Miss Kagari secretly an ace pilot?” Wangari pointed her rifle up and aimed down her sights. “The announcer makes her move now! She takes her weapon and fires into the air!” A blue streak of light followed the bullet as it flew, shining brighter than any of the other bullets.

“But this isn’t just any type of bullet. It’s circling the craft, and it hits dead on! Right in the cockpit seat!” There was an explosion in the air. “The ship bursts into flames as it...continues to fall?”

Wangari pulled away from her sights, watching the flaming ship crawling with not just flames, but shadows with crimson eyes as well. “Oh shit.”

The massive fireball struck the aircraft carrier, engulfing the entire top deck. The vampire crew screamed as their bodies burned, bullets flying in different directions once the flames reached the unshot ammunition. In an instant, they were all dead, yet the speakers were still functioning.

“Shoot to thrill! Play to kiiiiiiiiill!” sang Akko, stepping out of the fire.

“I’ll be honest,” said Wangari, stepping into her view. “It’s an honor to finally meet the great Vampire Akko herself.”

“And it’s an honor to meet someone with so much style,” said Akko. “Before I kill you, may I ask your name?”

“My name is Wangari, shoutcaster, storyteller, and news reporter,” she said as she bowed. “Also, occasional sharpshooter.”

“So you like stories, huh? Man, have I got some to tell!”

“I know! In any other situation, I would’ve interviewed you for weeks, recording tales of your exploits and journeys, every battle, every kill. It would make a great story.”

“Or an anime,” said Akko, winking.

“But unfortunately, I have been given the impossible task of killing you.” She brought up her rifle. “Still, I’m not one to give up.”

“Glad to hear it,” said Akko, but before she could react, another blue bullet slammed into her body, tearing out her side.

“The Vampire is distracted by the Announcer’s charm! The bullet flies through the air at lightning speeds, hitting Akko anywhere and everywhere!”

Akko’s body flew back and forth as the bullet pierced it over and over again.

“More and more blood is spilled as she can’t react! However, she’s planning something. I can feel it. She has a way to defend herself and stop the attack!”

The bullet flew toward’s Akko’s head, but before it could pierce it, she chomped on it, releasing a flash of light. When she looked up, her face was burned, but the bullet was held in her fangs, still glowing. It simultaneously impressed and terrified Wangari.

“There it is! Akko doing what vampires do best: Taking a bite out of all their problems!”

Before she knew it, Akko was standing right in front of her.

“I respect you, Wangari. Fighting me head on when you have no chance of winning, having fun in the process, blaring rock music during the whole thing? I like that.”

“A compliment? From you? Feels pretty good.”

“But why fight me? Why join Millennium?”

Wangari sighed. “Millennium was able to extend my life and give me power. At the time, I had no choice. I’ve seen wars, revolutions, and reformations, but I want to see more. I want to do more, but my time was out. Fighting you seemed like the best way to die.”

“Well, you’re not wrong,” said Akko.

“Also, I can go down in history as the one who tricked you,” said Wangari, smirking.

“Wait, what?”

“No aircraft on this ship, your ship is destroyed, and the engines are out. You’re stuck here.”

The truth dawned on her, and Akko grew angry as she began to laugh. “You...you cheeky little bitch!” She grabbed Wangari by the throat, who despite being choked, was still grinning in victory.

“So how about it? Want a personal announcer for your every action?” she said between breaths. Akko nodded as she took her rifle and pressed it against her.

“What...What are you-”

“You’re death can’t be painless since I’m mad, and I’m about to immortalize you into culture forever.”

“W-what?”

“Haven’t you heard the sensation sweeping the nation?” Akko looked at Wangari darkly with a humorous smile.

“Actually,” Wangari gave Akko a weak, pained smirk, “I have.”

And so, Wangari shared her final words as a mortal with Akko.

“Bitches love cannons.”

 

* * *

 

“Gentlemen,” said the Major, addressing his army. “Operation Bait-gari is a resounding success! Akko is now exactly where we need her to be so we can move forward with our little...surprise.”

There were murmurs of excitement throughout the room.

“However, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet.” There was silence, everybody eager to listen to the Major’s message. “Some of you have come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors!”

The man crossed his hands before spreading them out in grand fashion. “I. Love. War!”

He stood up with a gleeful yet maniacal expression.

“Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your shitty car, and you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down the street in his Porshe.

“Class War.

“You make it to work, and you find out that the annual drug test is today, and you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife’s awful parents!

“Drug War.

“But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers.

“Race War.

“Then, you try to post about it on your social media, but then all your friends start arguing about what’s right and what’s wrong.

“Flame War.

“You finally get home, and you decide to relax by watching a program about: Who gets the box? What’s in the box? How much is what’s in the box worth?

“Storage Wars.”

He chuckled to himself.

“What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one thousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal.

“You see, I want a simple war. No Class Wars, no Drug Wars, no Race Wars, no Flame Wars, and  _ certainly  _ **_no Cold Wars!_ ** ” He emphasized his point with a gesture. “Blueballed for forty years,” he said, closing his eyes in regret and pain.

“What I want is a war that only we can bring. A _true_ war. A **_GERMAN_** war. The sequel you’ve all been waiting for!

**“I! WANT! WORLD! WAR! THREE!”**

At once, every member of the army raised their arm, chanting “Sieg Heil!” in unison. The fleet of zeppelins moved through the air on course to England.

Around Europe, various people felt the coming dread. All but one was struck with a foreboding fear.

Akko stood on the deck of the wrecked carrier, watching the moon turn red. She laughed, louder and louder, increasing her madness until she bent back, fangs out, and laughed at the night sky.

“I better not miss a damn thing.”


	5. War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major Hambridge's war finally begins, and with Akko out in the sea, things go to shit really fast. A bit more violence and blood this time. You have been worn.

London. The capital of the UK. A city of beauty and light.

It was a normal night for the citizens. People filled the streets, clubs bustled with business, and assholes accosted random women.

“Come on, love! Show us your tits!”

**_PUNCH_ **

“Well,” said the man, rubbing his cheek, “she refused. Let’s get pissed now.”

His friend, on the other hand, was frozen with an expression of fear.

“Hey mate...what’s the last thing you ever thought you’d see in the night sky?”

“Oh,” said the first man devoid of aggression. “That’s...a deep question, man. I-”

“No, no, cause it’s blimps,” he said, pointing to the armada flying in the sky. In the middle was a giant red one flanked by smaller white ones. On their loudspeakers played  _ “Das Engellandlied,”  _ by Herms Niel, and inside waited the army of Nazi Vampires.

“Gentlemen!” said the Major, raising his hands. “We have made it!”

Cheers and whistles broke out as the men raised their arms and weapons.

“Alright! Achtung! Achtung,” said the Major, calming his men down.

“WOO-WOOOOO!”

“Hans, Hans, bring it down a notch.”

“woooooo.”

“Now, Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, and our fabulous messenger. Please lead us off!”

“Of course,” said the Doktor, stepping forward. “Everyone. Thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page three, as the first two merely contain a forward from Richard Spencer.”

“We have an exciting itinerary of the evening’s events,” said the Major. “Tonight, we annihilate London!”

For a moment, there was silence.

“Uh,  _ all _ of London?” asked a soldier.

“ _ ALL _ of London,” said the Major, grinning. “Buckingham Palace? Laid to waste. Big Ben? Toppled to the ground.”

“Ze House of Parliament?”

“Eradicated.”

“Ze Tower of London?”

“Obliterated!”

“The Holocaust Museum?” asked the Doktor.

“Leave that be,” said the Major. “No one will deny what we did.”

An officer giggled excitedly. “What about London Bridge?”

“Ja, Ja. ‘London Bridge is falling down.’ We all know the song. Look,” said the Major, a little annoyed. “You be the first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don’t care. 

“Of course,” said the Major, straightening his posture, “speaking of music, the accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey. The song tonight is most appropriate for... _ ironic _ ...reasons. The best reasons. But first,” the Major brought up a filled wine glass as missiles began to fire out of the zeppelins, “a toast. To the answer of an age-old question.”

The Major let go of his glass as the missiles flew toward their targets, civilians watching in shock. They streaked in the night sky, leaving behind smoke. Then, as the wine glass shattered and first missiles struck, the music kicked in.

_ “War, huh, yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!” _

The Big Ben tower exploded as a volley of missiles struck the surrounding area, engulfing people in a massive fireball that burned them alive. The booms of the missiles became accompanied by the screams of civilians as buildings began to catch fire. Nazi zombies jumped from their blimps, raining gunfire and blades against those unfortunate enough to survive the initial explosions. Grenades were thrown, crowds were cut down, and bodies were eaten, giving birth to a new ghoul army.

“Is it everything you hoped for, Major?”

“Ah yes, Doktor, because it means the destruction of innocent lives.”

The ghoul army was fully mobile now, following the Nazi’s instructions and shambling towards any survivors they could. They tore bodies to pieces while the vampires continued burning everything they could see. 

“Induction,” said the Major, singing along with the song. “Then Destruction. WHO WANTS TO DIE?!”

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean she’s stuck on the boat?” asked Penwood.

“I mean she’s stuck on the Bloody Boat!” snapped Diana. “I need you idiots to send a helicopter to retrieve her.”

“Can’t she fly with her vampire powers?”

“Wha- No! She can’t fly with her vampire powers!”

“Then how did she get there?”

“On the Blackbird we appropriated.”

“You  _ stole _ the Blackbird?”

She was out of patience. “WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!”

“We can’t! Our communications are down!.”

“...What?”

A sense of nervousness took over the command center.

“They...have been for the last two hours.”

“So...you’re telling me we have no access to Akko, communications with the outside world and our forces are down, and the enemy could very well be knocking on our door?”

The door burst open, and a set of armed soldiers ran in, pointing their guns at everybody, including the other officers and operator.

“Or,” said blonde-haired gentlemen, pulling out a gun, “perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the roundtable the whole time!”

“...I’m sorry, who are you again?”

“Reggie! What are you doing?” asked Penwood.

“SIR! Reginald is my name.” He began to walk around the table, grinning evilly and showing off his vampire fangs. “I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after  _ your  _ pet vampire. And now?” He pointed his gun toward Diana. “It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves.”

Diana began to chuckle. “You know, I get it now.”

“Get what?!”

She continued to laugh. “How Akko  _ feels _ . Just a little, anyway. But I must say, Sir Reginald, it is quite impressive that, despite how hilariously amateur this coup of yours is, you’re still managing to hold that gun.”

Confused anger was replaced with pained horror as the ringleader’s arm fell off, blood pouring everywhere. The rest of the soldiers looked in shock at the razor wires reflecting in the light. Anna chuckled.

“It’s punishment time.”

The soldiers shouted and opened fire, but none of their bullets found their mark. Anna waved her fingers, weaving the wires into their flesh and tearing them apart. Their screams and blood filled the command center, splattering the walls and a shocked Sir Penwood. In moments, all of the soldiers were dead.

“Now, think about what you’ve done,” said Anna, pulling her glove.

Everybody else could only look around in nausea and shock.

“Sir Penwood, are you alright?” asked Diana.

“Well,” he began, “Reginald was actually...my brother-in-law...so...currently...processing that.”

Diana gave the man her silence so he could grieve. Then, the alarms roared to life, flashing red on all of the screens.

“Communications are back up!” said an operator. “Everything is on fire!”

“London Bridge is falling down!” shouted another.

“Falling down?!” asked Penwood.

“Falling down!”

“London Bridge is falling down,” he said, in shock. “My Fair Lady! What should we do?” 

“We have to evacuate immediately,” said Diana, standing up. “Sir Penwood, you can ride with me. Everyone else, carpool.”

“No,” he said. He was shaking in fear, but his eyes were closed. When they opened, they were filled with determination. “I’m not going anywhere. I know I’m...not much of a man.” He looked up to Diana shamefully. “I’ve had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position...it’s not suited for a meek gentleman like myself.” He gripped his hands together.

“But I’ll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail between my legs at the first sign of peril!” He stood up, clearly scared, but filled with courage. “I thank you for your service, Lady Diana, but I-”

“Here’s a gun. There are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself.” Diana and Anna began to walk out. “Ready the car, Anna. We have a war to win.”

“What are the rest of you doing? I order you all to flee!” said Penwood, looking at the other operators and officers sir.

“Today must really be a day for mutiny,” said an operator, smiling. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Me neither!”

“You can’t do this alone, sir.”

“Someone’s gotta watch you, you silver-spoon baby.”

Penwood smiled. “You are all hereby honorably discharged! Now barricade that door!”

 

* * *

 

“Ah, yes,” said the Major, looking over the fiery remains of London. “Buckingham Palace is burning. And so are my-”

“ _ Ahem _ .”

The Major looked away from the display. Standing there was the First Lieutenant. She wore a white long-sleeved shirt covered by a specially modified dark purple combat vest and similarly colored combat pants with military boots. Her purple shoulder-length hair was tied by two red bands on each side of her star-cross tattooed cheeks, and her scythe had a lavender tint to it.

“Ah! First Lieutenant Avery. I apologize for being caught up in the moment.”

“You finally have orders for me, Major?”

“Indeed. You have a very specific target.”

“Where shall my scythe be pointed?” asked Avery, a cool, evil glint in her eye.

The display behind the Major changed, showing pictures of a fancy mansion and a map showing how far it was from their current position.

“The Cavendish Organization Headquarters.”

Avery nodded and grinned.

“And you...”

“Yes?” she said excitedly.

“Shall provide reconnaissance.”

At once, Avery’s mood dropped in shock, and she growled in rage, gripping her scythe.

“Calm down, Avery. Calm down,” said the Major, holding his hands up in surrender. “I know that you’re upset, but you must contain the calamity that is your self-control.”

His statement only seemed to enrage her further.

“There is no one more eager to see them bleed than I, but we must be careful. Lady Diana Cavendish...any woman who commands the respect of a beast such as Akko must  _ not _ be trifled with! Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night with a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly, but NOT trifled with!”

“But she is just one woman!” said Avery.  _ “And I’m pretty sure it’s also because she’s sleeping with Akko,” _ she thought to herself.

“And a girl. A police girl. The only living vampire sired by Akko herself. Why? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature? The fact that Akko finally found someone flatter than herself? Maybe. Who knows? But I do not gamble with ‘maybes.’ You and your all-female strike team will act as a vanguard and survey their forces. Are we clear?”

Avery resigned herself. “Transparently.”

“Wunderbar! Now, on that note…”

 

* * *

 

_ “Sergeant Klaus. Have you spotted Frau Cavendish?” _

“Ja Major,” said the Vampire, standing on top of a building wreck. “Driving past Primrose Hill.”

_ “Is it on fire?” _

“...It could be more on fire.”

 

Diana and Anna sat silently in the car. They chose the quiet route, but that didn’t mean it was destruction-free. An orange glow tinted the night sky from the fires, the building rubble littered surroundings, and bloody bodies lined the road and sidewalks. All of this disgusted and angered Diana, and she knew Millennium was going to pay for this.

_ “At...tion...anybody listening?”  _ The two recognized Sir Penwood’s voice from the garbled radio.  _ “I’m sure if I’m using this correctly. It’s been years since I’ve had to operate an analog radio. I...am Sir Penwood, the Proprietor, Vice Admiral of the British Security Council.” _

 

“I know things may seem bleak to those of you who are still alive, but steady on,” he said, clutching his side. Around him were the bodies of those loyal to him to the end. Their blood covered the floors and walls while bullet holes littered every display. Even the lights were shot out. Penwood was the only one left alive.

“We are still fighting. Each...and every one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old Barbarism!”

The door and the barricade blew up, and in rushed a number of Nazi vampire soldiers and their officer through the smoke. The officer walked up to the British Proprietor, laughing.

“How valiant of you, Sir Penwood.” He pointed his gun toward him. “Defending your post down to the last man.”

“Ah, but that is where I must rebuke you. Because where you see one man, I see four.”

“‘See four?’ What are you- AH!”

Around the entire room were C4 charges, enough to obliterate the entire area in an instant. The officer looked in shock. The charges beeped as Penwood took out the detonator, giving the Nazis a cold gaze.

“When you get to hell, tell them Penwood...no, the Proprietor sent you! And then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience.”

The Nazis charged him as he pressed the detonator.

 

Back in the car, there was only radio static and an echo of a massive explosion. Diana sighed grimly.

“Anna?”

“Yes, Ma’am?” she asked, softer than usual.

“Sir Penwood was a-

A body hit the front of the car.

“SON OF A BITCH!”

The car screeched to a halt.

“Lady Diana. We have a problem.”

Both women looked ahead to see a massive fireball in their path.

“Oh my god. The road’s on fire,” said Diana.

“Unfortunately, not the worst of it.”

Far away, a cloaked figure appeared, walking towards them.

“If you excuse,” said Anna, stepping out of the car, “I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to HQ on your own. I believe in you, Ma’am.”

“Anna,” said Diana, stepping out of the back. “There’s something I need you to know.”

“This is no time for goodbyes, Lady Diana-”

“No, I- I don’t know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.”

“...Well, you’re a fast learner, and now’s the perfect time to learn,” said Anna, trying to contain her shock.

“You come back to me. No matter what. Understood?” said Diana, stepping into the driver’s seat.

“Understood, Ma’am,” said Anna, pulling on her glove.

“Now, which one’s the clutch- OKAY! WE’RE DRIVING!” shouted Diana as the car sped off.

Anna stepped forward, her razor wires surrounding her. The figure began to move as well, revealing his flowing green jacket and his short white hair. Anna sent her wires forward only to have them caught in his bare hands.

“Oh, brilliant,” she said. “You haven’t aged a day.”

“Ah yes,” said the Major over his zeppelin’s loudspeakers. “We have aged like fine wine.”

Floodlights began to turn on, illuminating the area.

“You, on the other hand, have aged like milk: Spoiled, soured, and ruining my meal. But don’t get me wrong, it’s still  _ splendid  _ to see you. Let’s have a heart to heart, shall we?”

Anna grimaced as the lights blinded her. 

 

* * *

 

“Agh, shit!”

Diana, while quickly learning the car’s controls, was having trouble. The gas pedal was much more sensitive than she thought, and she could not control her speed. She swerved left and right, hitting burned-out cars and swearing every time she did so.

Not far behind was a squad of Nazi zombies, running after her.

“There she is! Johann, tell her to pull over!”

Johann and a few more soldiers sped off, surrounding the moving car.

“Guten Abend! Could you please pull over?”

Diana turned left harshly, slamming into some of the vampires while others ran right into her, flipping over the car.

“Well, she declined,” said the squad leader. “PANZERFAUST!” All of the soldiers took out their launchers and began to fire.

“YOU’VE!” shouted Diana, dodging one missile. “GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! TING! ME!” she screamed, timing each of her syllable with each explosion before she spiraled out of control and crashed. A soldier jumped on top of the car, preparing to deal the finishing blow.

“WOOOO-”

He never finished his cheer, as his head came clean off from a swipe of Diana’s sabre.

“Hans! Nein!” shouted the leader as Diana stepped out of the car. “And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge, sing the song, everything!”

“Congratulations,” said Diana, stepping on Hans’ decapitated head. “It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a twenty-two-year-old woman.”

“She’s twenty-two?” asked one of the Nazi grunts.

Diana brushed some stray blood-soaked hairs out of her face. “I hope it’s everything you hoped for. Now.” She brandished her sabre and stood her ground, blood running down her face with fire and anger in her eyes. “Come and get the first real fight you’ve had in fifty years, you  _ dickless cowards! _ ”

A grunt jumped at her. “I’LL STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING THROA-”

The soldier never got to finish his sentence. He was suspended in mid-air, knives protruding from his back. After gurgling for a few moments, his entire body exploded, leaving a light rain of familiar pages. In front of Diana stood a red-haired white-jacketed woman, one everyone knew all too well. Among the Nazi ranks, confidence became replaced by fear.

“God’s assassin.”

“Saint Guillotine.”

“Ze Angel’s dust!”

“Judas Priest!”

“Wait, like the band?”

“They were named after her!”

Amanda had fully stood up in the light, revealing a crazed grin.

“By God! You fucking beast of a woman! Surrounded by fifty Nazi Vampires armed literally to the teeth! And what do you do? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell ‘Come at me, you Kraut shits!’” 

She pulled back and laughed.

“No wonder Akko keeps bedding that badass nobility! I’m thinking about violating some verses myself!”

Diana kept her gaze and tone steady. “Amanda O’Neill. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

“Oh, you know...just out and about with my posse!”

“Posse?” Diana looked up to see a legion of Catholic warriors on the roofs, dressed in blue coats and robes and wearing specially enchanted glasses.

“And look! You know how your pet vampire has got her own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinking, so I acquired some partners myself! Two of them! Which is twice as good!”

Diana saw two warriors who looked different from the rest. One was tall and muscular, purple hair in a braid covered by a nun’s veil and armed with a massive battle-axe. The other was short. Very short. So short her blue braided hair reached down to her back.

“Jasminka! Constanze! Say hi!”

“Hello~,” said the battle-axe wielding woman, smiling gently.

“Mmm,” hummed the German.

“One’s Russian, and the other one’s German!”

“...That’s it?” asked Diana.

“What do you mean that’s it?” asked Amanda, confused.

“You’re not going to...make a joke about that or anything?”

“Hey!” shouted Amanda, clearly offended. “I may be an American Catholic, but that doesn’t mean I’m racist!”

“Mmm.”

“Constanze is right. Amanda is actually very nice once you get to know her,” said Jasminka.

“Guys!” whined Amanda. “You’re ruining my scary reputation!”

“We’re not scared of you Iscariots!” said one of the Nazis, though his companions could beg to differ. “Look at you! You don’t even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on the  _ gun _ , idiot!”

Amanda stiffened at this. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Miss Cavendish, it’s time for the Iscariots to do your job for ya, and put these soulless bodies where they  _ belong _ !” said Amanda, whipping out a new set of blades. “In the ground in case you didn’t take-”

A few Nazis ran at her, shouting, before they were cut down with ease.

“In case you didn’t take my meaning.”

“KILL ZEM!” shouted the squad leader as the rest of the group charged.

“Who are we?!” shouted Amanda.

“The necessary evil!” responded all of the Catholics in sync, jumping down from the roofs.

“Why are we  _ necessary?! _ ”

“To purge the world of evil worse than men!” All of them took out their weapons, ready to fight.

“And why are we God’s chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?!”

“Because no one else will!”

Amanda crossed two bayonet blades together, one from the side and one from the top, striking her signature pose and grinning.

“And because it’s fucking  _ FUN! _ ”

Amanda laughed as she and the others got to work, dismembering the first few Nazis in their path.

“AMEN!”

 

* * *

 

Kilometers away, Akko walked on the deck of the destroyed carrier. It slowly moved through the water, allowing some quiet time for herself. Nearby rested a bloodied headset of a former shoutcaster. She slowly walked towards the deck’s edge, taking in the night air.

“...Something’s burning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hit over 40 kudos and over 600 hits! Thank you guys so much for your patience and time! Special thanks to all who took the time to comment. Your words of encouragement helped me write more! Mid-terms and projects are coming up, so updates may come a little slower. Until next time, peace!


	6. Luna Nova vs Avery's Legion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna Nova defends the Cavendish Manor while Blackwell prepares his own surprise. Featuring more gay undertones, more gay, more OOC stuff, more offensive jokes, and just a tad more swearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a fan-based parody of a fan-based parody. All anime are owned by their respective creators, companies, and licensors. Please support the official releases.

“Please! No! I’ll worship your Go-”

Amanda laughed as she slashed the Nazi grunt, spreading his blood all over the ground.

“Mmm,” hummed Constanze, reloading her guns.

“And a good thing, too,” said Jasminka, pulling her axe out of a severed body. “Any more enemies and I fear you would’ve run out of bayonets.”

“Jasa, what did I say about that earlier?”

“You always have bayonets for days?”

“Bayonets for days,” said Amanda, nodding.

“Mother O’Neill,” said one of the Iscariot warriors. “I believe I speak for all of us when I ask why did we go out of our way to save our enemy?”

“I was actually wondering that myself,” said Diana, who finished cleaning the blood from her forehead. “Akko would have left Blackwell to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg. Maybe two. Then recording his screams for me to fall asleep to.”

“I am a woman of three things: God, Virtue, and disobeying that prick Blackwell when it suits me! And if I let you die, I would’ve been none of the three!”

“Wait,” said Diana, stunned. “You just defy your master’s orders on a whim?”

“Aye.”

“...Beatrix! This is strange to see from the outside!”

 

* * *

 

Miles away, a zeppelin flew through the untouched countryside. It was armored and armed, the pinnacle of German air technology. The front of the carriage housed the command center. There were multiple levels and consoles, all feeding back information of the ship and the surroundings. At the top stood the scythe-wielder, watching their progress.

“Lieutenant Avery,” said the captain of the ship, turning to face her commanding officer. “We are just outside the Cavendish perimeter. We shall maintain this position as we observe-”

“No. All hands to battle stations.”

“But, Ma’am! Our orders-”

“I have been waiting for this war for fifty years. I have been given weapons, soldiers, and a target.” She gripped her scythe even harder. “I will not be  _ muffin muzzled _ at the point of entry by that brunette bastard! I...know we will get what we have coming to us, but I would rather take a lecture than wait another minute for  _ our  _ war! Now Captain! Launch the V-1s!”

Her speech stunned her crew, waking a fire thought to be long lost.

“...Yes Ma’am!” said the Captain.

The ship rumbled as the V-1 missiles launched from their tubes. They all flew out into formation, ready to obliterate their target. Suddenly, bullets soared through the sky, tearing the missiles apart, causing an array of explosions. The fires illuminated the Nazis’ shocked faces.

“Status report?!” shouted Avery.

“Well, the V-1s launched, and then they blew up,” said an operator. “But...not where they were supposed to. Like, way too early.”

“I can see that. Why?!”

“Reports say it was sniper fire,” said the Captain.

“Kilometers away?! That’s impossible! Get me a visual!”

The zeppelin’s floodlights turned on, revealing a lone figure standing on the top of the Cavendish estate. The crew gasped, and Avery growled. On her back were massive packs of ammunition, and on each arm sat an autocannon that no human would’ve been able to carry. It was the Police Girl.

 

“Twenty-five for twenty-five, sinta. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.” Sucy lounged in her seat in her command center, looking at the various video feeds around and outside the mansion.

“Actually, if you don’t mind, Captain Manbavaran, my name is Lotte Yanson,” said the Finnish girl over her headset.

“How peculiar. I was under the impression from the rest of the staff that your name was... _ Police Girl. _ ”

Lotte sighed. “Sinta it is. Just keep an eye out for any possible incoming-”

“So, sinta, tell me about yourself,” said Sucy, smoking one of her homemade cigarettes.

“...Are you serious?”

“Of course. We know so little about each other, and let’s be honest.”

Both women looked at the incoming zeppelin.

“This might be the last chance we get to share. So, sinta, I know you’re Finnish but grew up in England. What was it like?”

Flashes of blood, screams, and shouts filled Lotte’s mind before she shook it off.

“I grew up in Leeds...nothing happened.”

“Sounds boring.”

”Yes...it was...how about you?”

“Oh...just outside of Manila. With my…”

 

* * *

 

_ “Lolo. Is it true what the children at school say?” _

_ A young Sucy sat next to her grandfather on the porch, enjoying the sunset. _

_ “Which part, apong babae?” _

_ “That you are a mercenary? That you...kill people?” Sucy kept her tone steady, but she was scared at the prospect. _

_ “...Yes. It is true, but it is also much more than killing people.” The old man looked his granddaughter in the eyes and lit his cigarette. “What do you like doing, little Sucy? Is it playing with dolls? Chasing boys?” _

_ Sucy let out a dry laugh. “No. I like spending time with you, blowing stuff up, target practice, and experimenting with plants and chemicals.” _

_ He laughed, ruffling her hair. “That’s my apong babae. Now, what if you didn’t do that, but had to play with dolls and chase boys?” _

_ “That would suck.” _

_ “Exactly! For me, it took years to find what I wanted to do, what I was good at. Sure, some may look down on it or fear me, but it is what I chose to do and what I enjoy to do. And if I’m going to do what I like, I might as well demand some money for it.” He put out his cigarette. “I once helped topple a fascist South African government in a week. I mean...it was replaced by another in two, but I still got paid.” _

_ Sucy rested in thought, taking in her grandfather’s words. Do what she likes, huh? _

_ “But why bring it up? Is somebody at school bothering you?” _

_ “...A few people.” _

_ “Hmm, maybe those kantoteros will find a grenade in their lunchboxes-” _

_ “So that when they open them it pulls the pin?” _

_ “Exactly!” _

_ “...I have friends in the cafeteria, so please don’t kill them.” _

_ “Ah, little Sucy. I’m not going to do it.” _

 

* * *

 

“...Oh my god,” said Lotte, shocked over the story she just heard.

“Ah, relax. They were just flashbangs. A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone.” Sucy looked at their current invaders. “Now, how about these Nazi fucks?”

“Well, I got a couple of grenades for them,” said Lotte. “Pretty sure they’re not flashbangs, though.”

“But they’ll flash and bang all the same. Just how I like it. Now, give them an improper Cavendish welcome!”

“So...a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing, and unnecessary screaming?” asked Lotte.

“Ganap.”

“Oo fucking ginang!” shouted Lotte, grinning as her eyes turned red and light reflected in her glasses.

_ “Wait, she knows Filipino?” _ thought Sucy, mildly panicking before focusing on the task at hand.

“Open fire!” shouted Sucy as Lotte screamed, unloading the high caliber rounds into the Zeppelin as massive shell casings fell to the roof.

 

Above, rounds tore through the armor of the German craft. Some smashed into compartments, exploding the equipment into a fireball that consumed the crew. Others collided with the balloon, causing it to smoke. The command center was filled with red lights, alerts, and rumbling.

“We’re being shredded Lieutenant!” cried an operator.

“Tell me something new!” said Avery, glaring at the source of the oncoming fire.

A console blinked red. “Well...we just lost two engines!”

“Cunt!”

“Ma’am!” said the Captain. “We can’t keep taking this kind of damage! We’re going to crash!”

“Then give me ramming speed, Captain! Right into that bitch!”

“Which bitch, Lieutenant?!”

“That bitch with the cannons!”

 

Lotte glared at the smoking zeppelin barreling towards them.

“Alright, sinta. How about you flash them the goods?” said Sucy.

Lotte loaded two rockets onto her gun and fired. They flew through the air and impacted on the zeppelin’s balloon. The chain reaction ripped more holes in it, causing the craft to slow and come tumbling down.

“CUUUUUNT!” screamed Avery as the ship hit the ground and exploded into a massive fireball, lighting the area and leaving a glowing crater in the field surrounded by debris.

“And that...is how the cookie crumbles! Like England.”

“Could you...not right now?” asked Lotte.

“I am Philipinno...so no. Though, I would be happier if Spain or America was on fire right now. ”

 

On the second floor, a number of Luna Nova mercenaries looked at the destruction.

“Holy shit, guys!” said Sarah. “I think she killed them all!”

Hannah, while smiling initially, pulled up her binoculars, her grin falling. Among the wreckage stood a large number of dark figures with glowing red eyes, a scythe wielder standing in front of all of them.

“Hey, Sarah?”

“Yeah?”

“Try not to choke on your fucking foot.”

_ “Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor,” _ said Sucy over the radio.  _ “These are vampires. Much like sinta, they won’t go down easily. A night on the town and a little bit of wine won’t woo them over. You will have to show them that you care. Make them feel like they’re the only thing that exists to you in this world. Then, when they finally open their legs, give them everything, and leave nothing.” _

All around the mansion, the mercenaries smiled, knowing their captain was up to her usual antics again.

 

“What’s our headcount?” asked Avery.

“Ein, zwei, drei...a lot. A lot, ma’am,” said one of the soldiers.

“Perfect,” said Avery. “You’re orders are to slaughter them all. Leave no body untouched, no room unburned. Now go!”

The soldiers ran forward across the field, headfirst into unknown danger.

 

“Shall I hold my position, Captain?” asked Lotte.

“No need. You’ve already been on top. Now it’s our turn.”

 

The Nazis continued to run, but then, one heard a click.

“Huh. Landmines.” Realization struck. “LANDMI-”

Her life was quickly ended in an instant explosion.

A series of people screaming “Landmines!” and explosions went off across the field, prompting the invaders to stop.

“Holy Shit! They planted landmines!” said one of the grunts.

“Oh, they found the landmines,” said Sucy, amused.

“Oh my god! They planted landmines?!” said Lotte, looking out the window. “I take walks out there.”

“Okay! We have to stay calm! Nobody move an inch. We’ll wait for Avery, pull back-”

Across the field and in the mansion, Mary hit her detonator.

“And we’ll- OH SH-”

Explosions ripped across the field, tearing the bodies of the Nazis who stood still.

“Alright, ladies, you know the drill,” said Sucy as everyone began firing. “If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep those grenades coming, keep the bullets raining, and most importantly, have fun!” She sat back into her chair. “I’m going to have a smoke.”

“No offense Ma’am, but you’re being awfully casual about this,” said Gaëlle, walking up to her captain and adjusting her glasses. “Well, as casual as usual. But aren’t we fighting a cross between Bram Stoker and Castle Wolfenstein monstrosities here?”

“Honestly, Gaëlle, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault,” said Sucy, opening her lighter. “Instead, we got a volley of swastika-covered bitches running tit-first into enemy territory.” She lit her cigarette.

“Still crazy, is it not?”

“No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or stopping a war in the Middle East that we’d be fighting Nazi vampires, I’d have kissed you full on the mouth!” said Sucy, grinning. “Maybe add some tongue while I was at it. But now?” She closed her lighter. “All I feel is robbed.”

“Well,” said Gaëlle, whose red face was currently contrasting her blue short hair, “if it makes you feel any better, there’s a giant woman outside.”

“...Ano?”

Avery had grown to a humongous size, nearly four times the height of the manor. She laughed demonically, peeking at the mercenaries inside.

“Banal kantutan pakshet!” shouted Sucy, uncovered eye wide.

“What?” asked Sarah in a panic.

“Holy fucking shit!” shouted Lotte.

“What she said!”

**“I see you!”** Avery then raised her scythe.  **“TIME TO DIE!”**

It split the manor in two, crushing the mercenaries inside with debris. Their screams filled the air along with the groaning of steel and the crumbling of rubble.

“I really hope I just smoked the wrong cigarette!” said Sucy, terrified for once in her life.

The German giant swung again, filling the hallways with debris and dust as another boom echoed throughout the manor.

“She’s gonna kill us all!” screamed Barbara crawling back from the newly formed chasm.

“Fucking...demon bitch!” cried Sarah, clutching her severed leg.

“Oh...I lost an arm,” said Hannah, looking at her stump while shaking.

_ “We’re gonna die,” _ thought Lotte, falling to her knees in fear,  _ “to a giant, German, Nazi vampire woman with a scythe. That screaming homeless man on the train was right.” _ Those were her last thoughts before she seemed to black out.

_ Lotte heard the sound of Akko’s laughter. “You’re kidding me, right? This basic bitch has you believing she’s a giant?” _

_ “Master? Where are-”  _

_ “On a boat in the middle uh...the fucking...Atlantic? Fuck it. The ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours and-” _

_ “But...Master...I only have two eyes.” _

_ “No, you have three eyes. You’re a vampire.” _

_ “Do you have three eyes?” _

_ “Honey, I got  _ so _ many eyes. Eyes for days.” _

_ “Eyes for days?” _

_ “Eyes for days. Now...look past your own self and-” _

_ “How do I-” _

_ “OH MY GOD! GO CROSS-EYED! JESUS!” _

Lotte snapped awake and crossed her eyes. Suddenly, the whole world flashed, and everything seemed normal. The manor was in one piece and there was no blood to be seen. The only problem was that everybody else was still screaming.

“PLEASE DON’T STICK ME BETWEEN YOUR GIANT BOOBS!” screamed Mary.

“Girl! What the fuck?!” shouted Sarah, clutching her not-severed leg.

“Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now,” said Hannah, clutching her still-attached arm.

“Hold, on. Did she…” said Lotte, slowly coming to a revelation. “Oh come on!” she said, trying to shake any of the mercenaries out of their reveries.

“Open the doors of hell for me, Lolo,” said Sucy, stepping backward. “I’m coming home.”

“Oh, for Christ's sake,” said Lotte grabbing her rifle and aiming it outside. Her eyes turned red and her vision zoomed to the blue-haired Nazi currently channeling the illusion. With no hesitation, she fired, scratching the side of Avery’s face. She grunted in pain.

“My face! You cunt!” she shouted as the giant illusion faded.

“You  _ cunt  _ touch this,” said Lotte, smiling at a job well done.

Slowly, the rest of the mercenaries awoke from the illusion, wondering why the mansion was in one piece.

“HOLY SHIT! MY ARM’S BACK!” screamed Hannah.

“Oh, thank god!” said Mary, climbing back up to her feet. “I thought she was going to crush me...with her giant boobs.”

“Okay, what does your internet history look like?” said Sarah, glaring at her sister-in-arms.

“Captain Manbavaran!” said Lotte, shaking the pink-haired mercenary. “It was just an illusion! Like sports bras or stilettos!”

“Wait!” said Sucy, putting her hands on Lotte’s shoulder. “You wear a sports bra?”

Lotte blushed, embarrassed. “N-no...It’s just a size small…”

There was silence throughout the hall.

“...Feels bad, doesn’t it?” said Sarah.

Suddenly, a Nazi smashed through a window.

“They figured out the landmines!” shouted a mercenary before she was bit in the neck.

“I fucking noticed!” said Sucy.

The Nazi jumped at them only to come face to face with Lotte’s rifle.

“Eat schnitzel in hell!” shouted the young vampire before blowing the other’s head off.

“ _ ‘Eat schnitzel in hell?’ _ ” asked Sucy, unimpressed.

“My apoligies. What would  _ you _ have said?” asked Lotte, glaring at the captain.

“Don’t be so sour, kraut,” she said with a grin.

Laughter began to spread among the group, everyone else pitching in.

“Ninety-nine  _ dead _ balloons,” said Hannah.

“Hasta l’auf wiedersehen!” said Mary with surprisingly good pronunciation.

“Come on, Gaëlle!” said Sucy.

“...I’m German. These do not amuse me,” said the second-in-command, eyes invisible behind her glasses.

“Y-you’ve been autobahned!” said Lotte, trying one more time. Unfortunately, the laughter had died down and nobody seemed impressed. “L-like...the autobahne-”

“We should get a move on,” said Sucy, tilting her hat.

“Oh, fuck you!” said Lotte in one of her first aggression.

“Hmm, maybe later, but now’s not the time. Now listen, sinta! We are in the thick of it now! They are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold them off for as long as we can, but we need you to flank them and-”

“This is a reach-around joke, isn’t it?”

“And I said we barely knew each other,” said Sucy, smiling. “The point is, as of right now, you’re the hunter, and you’re hunting the deadliest game of all!”

“Nazi Vampires.”

“Dammit! That used to sound so cool,” said Sucy in minor despair. “But when you say it so much, ‘Nazi Vampires’ sounds stupid.”

“Don’t worry! Maybe we’ll find something else,” said Lotte, trying to cheer her up. “Like a Nazi werewolf.”

“Sinta, that sounds so much worse.”

An explosion on the lower floor rocked the whole group.

“Oh right. World War III,” said Sucy. “Sinta! Like a high-class escort, make them pay for every inch.”

Lotte looked around at the group of mercenaries. They were giving her thumbs ups, smiles, and encouragement. It reminded her just how close she had gotten to them.

 

_ “You’re a fan of Nightfall too?” exclaimed Barbara when she caught Lotte reading it. _

_ “You read it?” asked Lotte, shocked to finally find someone else, especially the blue-haired goggle-wearing ammunition specialist. The two went into a massive conversation for hours, talking about their favorite scenes, volumes, and moments until an exasperated Hannah found them. _

 

_ “Nice shot, Lotte,” said Hannah. The redhead stood aside wearing a beanie in the cold night, watching the vampire’s target practice. “I envy your strength since you can handle much for recoil than all of us.” _

_ “I mean...I could be shooting better,” said Lotte. _

_ “Don’t be so reserved! You’re a great shot with my rifle. High five!” _

_ Their hands collided together before Hannah pulled hers to her stomach in pain. _

_ “Sorry! Vampire strength,” said Lotte, panicking. _

 

_ “I must say, you have been a great help with the logistics around here,” said Gaëlle. “Everybody usually leaves the paperwork to me since I complete it so much faster.” _

_ “It’s no problem! Being a...police girl...meant I had to take the backseat in a lot of cases, which lead to a lot of paperwork. Thanks to my vampire abilities, I can work even faster!” said Lotte, going through her papers. _

_ “That would be great if it wasn’t for the ten mistakes you just made,” said the beret-wearing commander even though she never looked up. “Still, you certainly are better than anybody else I’ve had around here. Thanks for the help, Lotte.” _

 

_ “Movie night!” exclaimed Mary, jumping on the coach. She was still wearing her combat gear, including her vest and lavender headband, but that didn’t stop her. _

_ “Dammit, Mary. You nearly knocked the freaking popcorn over!” said Sarah, the redhead glaring at the bluenette. “You better not be critiquing during the film this time.” _

_ “But how else are you supposed to know the best parts, like the cinematography or storytelling or cliches or-” _

_ “Who else is gonna wanna listen to all that?” _

_ “Lotte would, right?” _

_ Mary looked at Lotte with hopeful eyes, a head-shaking Sarah behind her. _

_ “Umm...maybe on repeat viewings?” _

_ “Good enough for me!” _

_ Sarah and the rest of the group sighed, spared from their resident movie-watcher’s wrath. All gave salutes to Lotte, causing her to panic with embarrassment. _

 

_ “That blonde German girl didn’t hurt you, right?” asked Sucy once they were back in the Manor. _

_ “N-no...thanks to you and Akko, but I’m pretty sure that was hasty,” said Lotte, lightly punching Sucy in the arm. _

_ “Come now,” said Sucy, tilting her hat up. “Anything decision that involves protecting the people I care about cannot afford to be late. Especially when it comes you, sinta,” she finished with a genuine smile. _

 

Lottle sighed. “I...can’t believe I find you attractive,” she said before running off.

“Pardon, ano? WAIT, WHAT?”

“Ma’am,” said Gaëlle. “What’s the over/under on us finishing this mission alive?”

“About as good as any of us getting laid tonight.”

“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen female vampires so far, and they do look kind of hot.”

“Holy shit, Gaëlle,” said Hannah, looking over with surprised eyes.

“OH! SO NOW I CAN’T MAKE A JOKE!?”

 

* * *

 

“Ah...Bishop Blackwell?”

The man in question moved the newspaper out from the front of his face, slowly waking up. Quickly observing his surrounding, he remembered that he was across the channel from the burning ruins of London. The field of grass around them was clear and peaceful, a stark contrast to the horrors across the water.

“Oh shit. I fell asleep waiting. You think watching London turn into a literal hellscape would keep you riveted. But once the screams die down…” He yawned and stood up, observing the red-tinged black sky. “So, what did I miss?”

“Well,” said one of his aids, “according to the reports, America is imploding.”

“So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well.”

“No, actually. We believe it was caused by Nazis, but not Millennium.”

He stood there slightly confused. “Okay...well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet?”

“Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts.”

“What?” he said, glaring.

“Ah! But...do not worry, Bishop Blackwell! We were able to get...some...eager volunteers.”

It was then that Blackwell finally turned back to see an army of white-hood wearing soldiers, chests branded with a red cross and special rifles carried on their sides. It was an impressive and terrifying display. In front of the army were five leaders, each with a different crest on their head.

“Volunteers?”

“From Italia!” said the figure with a blue and gold cross. “I am Brother Dario Ignazio Ezio Silvio Francesco Ippazio Roberto Sandro Tazio!”

“Yes, yes, and your order?” asked Blackwell

“I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Terre Derise el Sierte-

Blackwell sighed in pain.

“-Divisione Ricettazione. We bring five-hundred-and-ten paladins of the order.

“...Grazie. And you?”

“From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega!” said the leader with a green and purple gold-trimmed cross on his head. “I bring: The Mexican Inquisition!”

“I did not expect you,” said Blackwell, smiling.

“No one ever does! We bring eight-hundred-eighty-eight conquistador inquisitors!”

“Shalom! Bartlomiej Jeleniak from Poland!” said the most suspicious figure. His mask resembled medieval plaque doctors, and the sign on his forehead was a six-pointed star. “I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion!”

“Oh, I have not...heard of your order,” said Blackwell, slightly confused. “You’re...sure you’re Catholic?”

“Oh, of course!”

“You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?”

“Hey, if we’re killing Nazis, we’ll worship a side of bacon. We bring four-hundred-fourty-seven menschen.”

“Hey bud! David Bouch ère from Canada, bud. I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army,” said the figure with the...Salvation Army logo on his forehead. “Fuck bro, let’s kill us some gays!”

“Nazis,” corrected Blackwell.

“Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring five-hundred-nine holy hosers, eh?”

“Glad to have you. Now let’s-”

“Now I gotta say, I’m a little uncomfortable killin’ Nazis. Some of my  _ best friends _ are Neo-Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so…” 

The last leader had no mark on his forehead. In fact, he had no special eye slots. It just looked like he put a white fabric cone on his head and cut two holes in it.

“And you are?” asked Blackwell, perplexed by the man’s accent and personality.

“Jed Forrest from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me some 300 n’ change good ol’ boys from the Knights of the Hangin’ Noose.”

“Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for...swinging by...OH GOD.”

“No worries. Now I noticed y’all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don’t worry, cause Jim brought more in his truck!”

“That’s uh...really not necessary-”

“JIM! HOW MANY MORE CROSSES WE GOT IN THAT TRUCK?!”

_ “‘Bout a few!” _

“‘Bout a few,” said Jed, turning to face Blackwell again. 

“This is going to be a long crusade,” said Blackwell, rubbing his face. “Listen up!”

Across the ranks, the men began to kneel.

“Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We’ve come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno in the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason.”

Blackwell wrapped a red and gold vestment around his neck before looking back up.

“ _ Fuck _ the new pope!”

Cheers began to break out among the army.

“That Argentinian windbag has  _ ruined us! _ Prattling on and on about the poor! We are the house of  _ GOD, _ not a fucking soup kitchen!”

“Thank you!” said Brother Dario. “Even we’re sick of feeding people, and we’re Italian!”

“And what does he do with the golden throne?” asked Blackwell. “Replaces it with a  _ wooden chair! _ Probably carved by more poor people!”

“Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!” shouted Don Diego de la Vega.

“And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don’t you fucking marry them? You  _ seem  _ so  _ okay _ with the concept!”

“Yeah, fuck bro!” said David Bouch ère. “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they’re havin’ sex!”

“And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! ‘We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and  _ POOR PEOPLE! _ ”

“Yeah!” said Bartlomiej. “Perhaps we can all just agree that, MAYBE _ , _ Jesus  _ wasn’t  _ the son of God!”

“We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in the Ninth Crusade, for I am your leader: The New Pope! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, we...will-”

“Round up all those dirty ni-”

“Okay,  _ you  _ need to chill!” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am shocked. We hit 750 hits and almost 50 kudos! I planned to do a screenshot when we hit 666 hits, but it happened overnight. Thank you so much for your support, and per usual, any feedback will be gratefully appreciated.


	7. Death and Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is pushed to the limit as Avery continues her attack on the Cavendish Manor. Extra blood, pain, and gayness are included.

“Hilda?”

“Ja, Abigail?”

The two Nazi vampires sat in a room, surrounded by dead mercenaries.

“Are we...bad people?”

Hilda’s swallowed her bite. “It’s a matter of perspective, really.”

“From these girl’s perspective?” Abigail asked, looking at the bloodied bodies.

Hilda laughed. “Absolutely. But, to be fair, I think we kinda toppled that Jenga tower by being Nazis in the first place.”

“Ja, ja.” Abigail held up a severed head, looking at the deceased’s dog tags. “I guess the whole ‘eating them’ is just salt on the wound.”

“Ach. Don’t say salt to me,” said Hilda, annoyed. “These mercs are so bland! They could use-”

Suddenly, her head exploded, and the silence was replaced by gunfire and Lotte screaming. Abigail and the other Nazis who rushed in screamed as they were ripped apart. Soon, the only things on the ground were bodies of mercenaries and Nazis alike and Lotte’s shell casings.

“How’s that for some salt?” said Lotte, striking a pose like Akko would.

Silence.

“Dammit! This is nothing like the books! What’s the point of coming up with all these one-liners if they’re all dead when I say them?”

“To be fair,” said a voice underneath the floor, “it wasn’t really that funny to begin with!”

Lotte aimed one of her rifles down and fired, shooting through the floor and the head of a Nazi grunt.

“It’s a matter of perspective, really.”

 

* * *

 

“B-Wing! What’s your location?” asked Sucy. She was stationed in the conference room while everyone around her built a barricade with whatever furniture they could find.

“HR department,” said Mary.

“And your status? How fucked are you?”

Mary was crouched behind the corner of a wall, bullets whizzing past her. Her hair looked frazzled and blood ran down the side of her face, soaking into her headband.

“What’s the kinkiest, hardcore BDSM thing you can think of?”

“...Barbara, Hannah, I could you use your guys’ expertise!”

“Fuck you!” shouted both girls at the same time.

“So, I’m guessing you’re in some shit,” said Sucy.

“I just saw someone getting stabbed through the face!” she yelled over the gunfire. “One motion! Like that asshole clown with a pencil!”

“Why...so...serious?” coughed one of the mercenaries before she died of blood loss.

“Just hold out! The Police Girl is on her way!”

“Ma’am...I’m not gonna lie. I’m pinned here. I’ve sent anybody that could walk back already. Everybody else is either dead or dying, and I’m running out of bullets.”

“Mary…” Sucy looked down. “It was an honor serving with you.”

The conference room was silent in honor for the loss of their fallen comrades who died buying them time.

“What the fuck?!” shouted Mary.

“What?” asked Sucy, thrown off.

“What’s that cheap shit? You’re not going to tell me to fall back or fight through?”

“Well...I mean...can you?”

“Of fucking  _ course  _ not!”

“Well then why the fuck would I say it?!”

“It’s a cliche, dammit!”

“You hate cliches!”

“Only bad ones! And that’s a good goddamn one at that!”

“Fine! Fine. Whatever, ok, sure.” Sucy cleared her throat. “Don’t you fucking give me that, Mary! Fall back and make it-”

“No, no. It’s-it’s ruined, it’s disingenuous,” said Mary in a deflated voice among the gunfire.

“It was always going to be disingenuous!”

“Well, so is what’s coming next!” shouted Mary, pulling off her headset.

“Wait, no, Mary, choose life…” said Sucy, trying to keep her sarcasm out and failing.

Mary picked up a second assault rifle and fired down the hallway, killing a few more Nazi vampires.

“Come and get me, you blood-chugging bitches!”

“Pull back. She’s mine.”

Mary stopped firing, looking nervously at the scythe-wielder walking towards her.

_ “Huh. Even without being a giant, her boobs are pretty big.” _

“If it’s a fight you, want, it’s a fight you’ll get,” said Avery, stopping. “Now, come on out behind that wall so I can get a good look at you. Don’t worry. My vampires won’t shoot.”

Reluctantly, Mary stepped forward, reloading both assault rifles.

“I am First Lieutenant Avery. To whom do I owe the pleasure of this fight?”

“Mary of the Luna Nova mercenaries.” She hid her fear and gave the German a grin. “Gotta say, you look way hotter up close.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere. Now, shall we begin?”

“With pleasure.”

Mary opened fire, running towards Avery. The vampire twirled her scythe, blocking and dodging most of the bullets, though a few grazed her limbs. As she got closer, Mary jumped and kicked off the wall, swinging both rifles like clubs into Avery. She blocked and pushed back, causing the Mercenary to recover into a roll. She charged again firing from one rifle but making no indication of moving in any other direction. With that, Avery raised her scythe up and brought it down, only for Mary to twirl at the last second, abandoning one of her rifles and sticking something on Avery’s back.

“I think you could be hotter,” said Mary, pulling the trigger. She unloaded bullets into the Lieutenant and the item she placed on her: an incendiary grenade. The fireball consumed Avery, blowing Mary backward as smoke filled the hallway. She coughed a few times, trying to stand up but only falling to her knees.

A purple eye glowed through the smoke, and in an instant, a gloved hand touched Mary’s forehead.

“Brave soul. You have fought well. However, it is your time to perish.”

The smoke began to clear, revealing a smoking hot Avery. Her purple hair, while slightly charred, still maintained it's shaped. The sleeves of her white shirt had burned off, revealing toned arms from years of training. The German exuded confidence and respect, towering over the mercenary.

“You deserve to rest. Give in to your darkest desires. Let go of your attachment to the world. Give me your  _ soul! _ ”

Mary’s eyes turned hazy, and her knees grew weak.

“Oh, hell yes.” She surged up, catching Avery off guard as her arms wrapped around her neck. “Come here, you knallhart tier einer frau,” she said before capturing Avery’s lips with her own.

The Nazi was stunned. This wasn’t right. They were supposed to kill everyone, especially the Jews and gays. And yet...and yet...she could not deny the incredible feeling she felt. As she gripped Mary’s body closer to her own, she felt the mercenary’s soul and pulled it into her own. Mary’s lifeless body fell limp in her arms, and the German laid her to the ground gently, her eyes already closed and a smile on her face.

“Lieutenant Avery!” shouted one of the grunts. “Are you alright?”

“Ja! Everybody move forward! And don’t you dare touch this body! She fought with everything she had and deserves to be respected as such.”

Internally, she was very glad the smoke blocked their view of what happened.

 

* * *

 

“No one else is gonna say it. Fine! I freaking will! I wish Akko was here. Yeah!” shouted Barbara, shaking in fear.

“Really, Barbara?” asked Sarah.

“Yes,  _ really, _ because when she was around, shit wasn’t so scary! If anything, it was freaking hilarious! But ever since she left, everything’s so god damned serious! Like there’s something missing.”

“Hey, we’re doing pretty ok without her,” said Joanna, standing guard at the barricade. “It’s...our time to shine, you know?”

“Let’s face it! We freaking suck and no one likes us!”

“So, ok,” said Sucy, walking over toward Barbara. “Let’s grab some knee pads, a stiff drink, and  _ eat her out _ . You want to sit back and whimper like the little preschool bitch you are? Not on my watch! Akko isn’t here. She’s on a fucking boat and there’s not a  _ goddamn _ thing we can do about it! This place will be our graves, and if you keep acting like a little bitch, you tarnish the names of everyone who dies tonight!” She gripped Barbara by the vest and lifted her up. “So woman the fuck up and hope, like always, that the girl comes first before that barricade gives way and you’re made into the world’s winiest Lunchable!”

“Oh, you meant the Lotte. On that note, where the hell is she?!”

 

_ “Welp, requisitions have been...processed,” _ thought Lotte, looking over the burning room of corpses.  _ “I’d feel worse about it if they got the rest of us that sound-proofing foam we asked for so many times. You’d think we’d only have to worry about Akko and Diana.” _

Memories of sleepless nights from...noises...all over the manor popped up. Apparently, having an all-female mercenary group, most of which are gay, staying overnight would lead to some...problems.

 

“Not like you to have someone else clean up your mess, Ma’am,” said Gaëlle. Both women were leaning against the barricade, trading shots with incoming Nazi vampires.

“Heh. You’re not wrong, Gaëlle. But even with all these soldiers,” she looked over their countless wounded, all bandaged to an extent but out of commission for the night, “this isn’t the kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, those assholes are out of rockets.”

 

“Ma’am, we have an  _ abundance _ of rockets. Shall we bombard them?”

“Ah, nein. I want to see how this... _ panzers _ ...out?”

“Oh?...Ohh!”

“Oh?” said Avery, smiling.

“Ohh! And they say we Germans can’t be funny.” She laughed as she fired a rocket.

 

The barricade exploded, throwing everybody back and kicking up dust. Those unlucky enough were filled with wooden splinters. Others were burned by the initial fireball. Screams filled the room as the mercenaries desperately tried to recover.

“I...can’t move…” said Sarah.

“Barbara! Sarah’s alive but she’s trapped!” said Hannah. “Help me out over here!”

“Come on, move!” shouted Joanna, dragging anybody she could away from the entrance.

Sucy pushed herself out from underneath the wooden debris, her hat missing. Blood ran down her scratched face, soaking into her flowing hair.

“The least those fuckers can do is give us a warning before they come down on us!” She winced, looking down to her bloodied stomach. “And now, this wood is going to give me limp. That’s a first. Gaëlle! Could you give me a hand with this?” She turned around and gasped.

“C-can you...bring it over...here?”

The second-in-command was on the floor lying in an increasing pool of her own blood, her right arm and lower half blown off. Her eyes moved sporadically behind her cracked glasses as blood ran from her lips.

“No...shit!” Sucy limped over to her friend, her tone scared and concerned.

“H-how does it look?” asked Gaëlle, sputtering the words out.

“...Probably how it feels.”

She gulped. “...I’m imagining crushed raspberries.”

“Yeah. That’s about right.”

“Captain...listen. There’s one thing I need to say before I die.” She reached out with her remaining arm, and Sucy clasped her hand, looking down with sad, pained eyes.

“What is it, Gaëlle? My friend! My sister!”

“...You fucking suck at picking our contracts!” With that, she let out her last breath. Her eyes lost all life behind them, and her hand went limp.

“Palaam, paborito ko puta.”

“Hey God? It’s me, Kimberly. If only one of us makes it out of here alive, please let it be me!” said the mercenary prone on the ground, clutching her head in protection and fear.

“Hey God? It’s Kimberly’s friend Joanna. Fuck Kimberly!”

 

“I think I’m going to fire this one at...Kimberly,” said the panzerfaust-wielding Nazi.

“Yes,” said Avery, bloodlust in her eyes. “Fuck. Them. All.”

Everybody waited in anticipation and fear, Sucy knowing that the next rocket would kill pretty much all of them. Then, right as the Nazi pressed the trigger…

“...You’re kidding me! It’s jammed. Oh, this is embarrassing-”

Suddenly, a bullet took her head off. Behind them, more gunfire cut into the group, tearing their bodies into bloody pieces. All but Avery were killed.

“Throw your hands up, ladies!” said Sucy. “The cavalry has arrived!”

“...yay…” said all of the injured mercenaries.

Lotte walked up to Avery, staring her dead in the eyes. She knew she was out of ammo, so she released the straps and dropped her rifles to the floor.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the loyal Police Girl,” said Avery, smirking.

“All right, you know  _ god damn _ well what my name is!” said Lotte, who had long since lost her composure after seeing so many dead allies.

“You’re right. I do. But there’s so much more I want  _ to learn! _ ”

Avery’s arm glowed purple as she slammed her palm on the ground, enveloping the hallway in glowing patterns of shadows and mysteries. Lotte felt her consciousness slipping, and as hard as she fought, she closed her eyes, trapped in Avery’s illusion.

 

_ Lotte was near her current age, standing in a standard police uniform in front of a shadowed authoritative figure. _

_ “I see. So you’re looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family.” _

“Ah, I see. Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy?” Avery laughed. “Let’s take a look.”

_ Lotte was younger now, standing in front of two figures this time. _

_ “The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a pencil.” _

_ “I’ll stab your mother in the  _ cunt! _ ” _

_ “Young lady! How do you expect to be adopted in you continue this behavior?” _

_ “I don’t want to be adopted. I WANT YOUR MOTHER’S CUNT!” _

“An orphanage? Oh, this is getting even better! Let’s just dig into those repressed memories and perhaps we’ll-”

_ Lotte was trying to sleep, a pillow over her head, but it did nothing to drown out the moans coming from above. _

_ “Diana- Ah! Please! I’m sorry! Stop teasing me!” _

_ “No! For all that collateral damage you caused in Brazil, you need to be punished! And I’m going to make you suffer for as long as possible!” _

_ “Diaaaaanaaaa!” _

_ Lotte turned her face away from the ceiling and towards the right wall, only to get similar results. _

_ “Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!” _

_ “Oh...what’s that? Speak up, Barbara. I can’t- ah- hear you. Oh, that’s right. Pets don’t speak tonight! Mmph! Now put that mouth back to work!” _

_ Lotte quickly turned towards the left wall, desperate for some sort of change. _

_ “For the love of god, Mary, can you please stop masturbating over your imaginary German waifu!?” _

_ “I can’t, Sarah! She’s just too hot! I know we’re going to meet someday. It’s like my soul belongs to her!” she said as she continued to moan. _

_ “CAN YOU AT LEAST DO IT WHEN I’M NOT IN THE SAME ROOM!? _

“...Um...this needs...context,” said Avery, trying to prevent the red from spreading to her cheeks. “Moving on!”

_ “Lotte, hide in here, and no matter what, do not come out.” _

_ Lotte attempted to silence her whimpers, the little girl crying as the closet closed, cutting all light out. Then, there were two gunshots and screams before silence. Her eyes widened in fear, but curiosity took over, and she peeked outside, only to be met with the sight of her dead father and mother. Two thugs stood over the bodies, dressed in normal clothing but carrying two smoking pistols. _

_ “Now look what ya’ gone and done, ya’ skipped the process!” said of the thugs. _

_ “What process?” asked the other. _

_ “The standard process of breakin’ and enterin’. You’re supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife. You’ve gone and shot the husband then shot the wife!” _

_ “Don’t mean nothing.” _

_ “Course it does. Now we can’t rape her!” _

_ “I beg to differ. Body’s still warm.” _

_ “Come on now, mate. Gotta have standards. I know we’re shootin’ an’ rapin’, but necrophilia is a step too far.” _

_ “If you’re such a bugger about procedure, why didn’t ya’ perform a five-point room scan?” _

_ Lotte finally lost it. Armed with a fork, she charged forward, yelling as she stabbed one of the thugs in the eye. Blood began to spill everywhere as he screamed and threw his gun away. _

_ “Bugger all!” _

_ The other turned toward Lotte. “Right!” _

_ With one shot to the stomach, he threw Lotte’s body back into the closet door. She collapsed on the ground in eyesight of her mother’s body. _

_ “My fault. I’ll take responsibility for that one. That is what happens when you do not perform a five-point room scan.” _

_ “...alright,” said the eyeless thug, grunting in pain. “So you get to the five-point room scan, and I’ll get to the rapin’.” _

_ “Steady on. But wait, where’s your gun, mate?” _

_ Both men were blown back, holes in their heads, as two shots were fired. Lotte had crawled a small distance to reach the tossed gun. At the time, she didn’t know that she got two lucky shots that happened to kill both attackers. What she did know was that she was lying in a pool of her own blood surrounded by four dead bodies, two of which she killed, two of which were her parents. _

 

Back in the present, Lotte’s eyes were wide with fear and tears. She couldn’t stop whimpering and hyperventilating, even as Avery dragged her hands across her arms.

“Aww, the poor little Police Girl has such a burden on her shoulders.” The German angled her scythe. “Let me help you  _ take some of the weight off!” _

In one motion, she sliced upward, severing Lotte’s left arm into the air, raining droplets of blood. The young girl screamed in agony, looking at her bleeding stump in terror.

“You’re not even a decent guard dog!” said Avery, twirling her scythe into Lotte’s back, penetrating her stomach. Lotte collapsed into a pool of her own blood once again as Avery took out her scythe and picked her up by the neck.

“You’re just a pet of a pet.” Avery put the blade right in front of Lotte’s eyes, which widened in fear. “A stupid, flat-chested police girl!”

The German sliced her eyes out, shattering her glasses and embedding the shards into her face as well. Lotte screamed in agony, every part of her beginning to bleed out as Avery threw her to the floor.

“Then again, it’s a matter of perspective, really.” She laughed.

“PAKSHET MULA SA!” shouted Sucy, bashing in Avery’s head with a shotgun. “It’s Filipino for Fuck Off!”

She fired into Avery, over and over again, blowing chunks of her flesh off as the vampire screamed with every shot before her body finally collapsed to the ground.

“Lieutenant!” shouted a few Nazis who just arrived. They rushed to their leaders aid, but were gunned down as smoke grenades went off.

“Captain! Let’s move!” shouted Hannah, charging past Lotte’s body and firing at the incoming vampires.

“Grab the girl and go!” shouted Barbara, joining her ally in fighting off the reinforcements.

“Sure! Leave the one-hundred-thirty pound body to the girl with the gut wound,” she said, picking up Lotte over her shoulders.

“Actually, after the arm, I-I think it’s about a hundred and five,” said Lotte, her voice shaking.

“And the blood loss!” grunted Sucy, the red liquid oozing out of her stomach. “Something I could do with a lot less of right now.”

_ “Alright, Sucy. Keep it together. One foot in front of the other. You’ve got the girl. You’ve got your women. You’ve got a way out of this living hell-” _

Sucy’s eyes widened as something pierced through her back. She lost her strength and dropped Lotte to the ground, coughing in pain as she struggled to stand up. The scythe slid out of her back, and she collapsed on the wall, her long-pink hair spilling out everywhere. Out of the smoke, Barbara and Hannah were thrown back, hitting the floor in pain.

“Wait your turn!” said Avery, glaring daggers at Sucy. “I wasn’t done with her yet!”

“Holy shit. Captain! That German bitch is still alive!” screamed Barbara.

“Barbara, why the fuck do I have to die with you?” asked Hannah.

“Captain Manbavaran?” asked Lotte in a shaky voice, dragging herself on the ground with one hand. “What was that stabbing noise? And that...blood dripping noise? And that...body hitting the wall noise?” Her voice grew even more unsteady. “I’m blind, so I could really use a play-by-play…”

“I’m sorry, sinta,” said Sucy, coughing as her visioned blurred. “It’s not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied, but...it seems I just didn’t have it in me this time…”

“Don’t worry,” said Lotte, moving toward the sound of Sucy’s voice. “It...happens to people...all the time.”

“But I can at least tell you, sinta,” said Sucy, pulling a cigarette and her lighter out. “It was...good for me…” She lit her cigarette in silence, breathing in before tossing it.

“Captain Manbavaran?” asked Lotte, growing more scared. “Sucy?” She grabbed a hold of the captain’s jacket. “SUCY?!”

A hand, rough in experience yet gentle in action, pulled her head closer, bringing Sucy’s and Lotte’s lips together in a bloody yet tender kiss. Lotte felt her heart spike, and with her one arm, she pulled herself closer into the kiss. Sucy tasted of smoke and iron, yet there was a hint of mango somewhere there, behind the blood of battle. Despite being in a hallway filled with corpses and blood, Lotte sensed nothing but the two of them.

_ “So much for cliches, right?” _ asked Mary’s ghost.

“Aww!” said Barbara.

“I swear, if you go on a Nightfall rant now of all times…” said Hannah. “But it is sweet.”

The two released, Lotte breathing heavily while Sucy flashed her a grin.

“Next time, maybe I’ll get past first base! You could even drink my blood if you want to!” She laughed only to cough her lungs out. Lotte whimpered and reached out as Sucy sighed. “Fat chance. You’re far too fine a wine...for a lout...like...me.”

Sucy’s body fell to the ground right as Lotte reached for her one last time. The cigarette she had tossed began to lose its glow. Her breathing began to slow as every last of her body went limp. The world seemed to go silent in Lotte’s ears as she kept reaching for a life no longer there. The embers of the cigarette and Sucy’s life faded and faded until there was nothing left.

“Sucy?” Lotte brought her hand lower, grabbing a hold of the captain’s jacket “Sucy?” She pulled herself over the body, desperate to find something, anything, there. “Please get up.” Her voice was weak, shaky, and scared. “No. C-come on.”

She felt around until she felt the back of Sucy’s head, which she cradled as she pulled her upright against the wall. “N-no, c-come on. I-I-I can’t do this alone!” She hugged the body close, holding onto whatever she could. She wanted to cry, but no tears came out.

_ “Master...Master, I need you here! I’m too weak for this...I’m too stupid for this...I can’t handle this! I-I’m not a real vampire! I’m barely even a human! Master! What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO?!” _

 

_ Lotte opened the door to where she first met Akko after turning into a vampire. _

_ “Uhh...” _

_ “You rang?” asked Akko. _

_ “Master? Everything’s falling apart,” she said, her voice trembling. _

_ “Shit, you’re right! You should really get on that!” _

_ “Sucy...Sucy’s dead...because of me!” said Lotte, tearing up. “Everyone’s dead because I wasn’t strong enough!” _

_ “Oh, so this is MY fault then.” _

_ “Wh-what?” asked Lotte, confused. “N-no! _

_ “Everything is my fault apparently. Ate the last strawberry tart in the fridge? My fault. Crashed a car into the world’s first British Dairy Queen because I wanted to do something special for Diana? My fault. Followed my orders to shoot Archduke Ferdinand and blame it on some other guy? Oooh,  _ MY  _ fault!” _

_ “It’s not your fault!” shouted Lotte. “Avery? Sucy? Luna Nova? They were  _ my  _ responsibility!” _

_ “But I chose you. Are you saying I made the wrong choice. Because I don't make wrong choices. I make investments.” _

_ “I’m saying I failed  _ you!  _ I failed everyone! Why are you so calm about this?! You liked Sucy, and I let her die!” _

_ “Because I know you’ll do right by her. Besides, the only way you fail is by giving up.” _

_ “I give up because I’m not strong enoug-” _

**_“Listen to me, Draculina!”_ ** _ Akko’s eyes glowed crimson as she gripped Lotte’s shoulders and glared into her very soul.  _ **_“You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be.”_ **

_ “How do you know?!” _

**_“Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: The Will to Live.”_ **

Lotte’s fangs began to grow bigger, and she tilted her head up.

**_“Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it. Embrace it! And go for it’s fucking throat. LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!”_ **

 

Lotte sunk her fangs into Sucy’s neck, taking her first real drink of blood. Sucy and Lotte’s spilled blood began to move toward the vampire, first to the captain’s neck, then into Lotte’s mouth. Red shadows flowed around Lotte as her uniform turned dark, congregating around her severed arm. Her wounds closed. Her strength returned. And finally, her eyes opened, glowing a dark shade of crimson. Her sight caught Avery and the rest of her reinforcements, causing them to tremble in fear.

“That look. How? I cut out your eyes! How can you look at me like that?!”

“Fuck you. That’s how!” said Lotte, a newfound venom in her voice. She stood up, one arm stretching her fingers while the other shadows flowed and flickered.

The German Lieutenant stepped backwards.

“Avery, was it? L-listen Avery. This whole fucking place...is  _ my house. _ You ain’t the queen vampire bitch here! I am! And you know what the Brits always say!” A spiked grin of white teeth shined out from all the shadows around Lotte. “God. Save. The Queen.”

The Nazis opened fire, desperate to stop the newfound monstrosity heading straight for them. Lotte grinned manically as her shadows blocked the bullets, leaping straight into the group and brutally slaughtering the other vampires. Her punches shattered entire bodies in one hit. Her shadows cut whole squads into ribbons.

_ “She’s like a fucking blender,”  _ thought Avery.  _ “Turning my soldiers into paste! A German Bloody Mary!” _

Avery gripped her scythe in defense as Lotte came closer and closer, eviscerating any who stood in her way.

_ “Why didn’t we know about this? Why didn’t anyone do proper reconnaissance?!” _ Realization hit Avery at the same time Lotte did, tackling her to the ground as her scythe went flying.  _ “Aw, fick mich…” _

**“Say my name, you Nazi bitch!”**

Avery tried to punch Lotte’s face only to have her take a bite out of her fist, spitting out her fingers. Avery cried in pain.

**“I said say my fucking name!”** screamed Lotte as she shoved Avery’s head against the wall and started running, effectively using it as sandpaper on the German’s face.  **“Say it! SAY IT!”**

“LOOOTTEEEE YAAAANSOOOOOON!”

Lotte held up Avery’s dangling body, still breathing, but face practically gone. The shadows around her consumed the German, acting like fire as she slowly disappeared into nothing before returning to Lotte. She newly born vampire took a breath and walked away.

“And don’t you  _ fucking  _ forget it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest: I think this is the best chapter I've written so far. I've been able to add my own elements while staying true to TFS HUA. Episode 7 is my 2nd favorite episode, so I had a blast writing this. So much fun that I didn't study at all my for my exam that's coming up in a few days. That being said, any comments about changes I've made or just the story, in general, will always be appreciated! After all, this is my first published fanfic, and I want to improve as a writer. Until next time, peace!
> 
> Also, if I botched up language translations, I apologize.


	8. Party Party Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armies clash, rivals battle, and through it all, secrets are revealed. And there's some great music as well.

“For ye are the temple of the living God. As God hath said, ‘I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.’”

Pope Blackwell’s voice from the loudspeakers boomed across the burning city of London, drawing attention from the few civilian survivors left. The legion of Catholic helicopters flew across the smoke-filled sky, releasing fireworks and flares in the shape of angels overlooking mortal beings below them. Two helicopters carried a truck, which carried a blessed magical glass box where Blackwell stood safe. In the red dark of night, it was a comforting sight.

“‘Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate,’ sayeth the Lord, ‘And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!’”

_ “Mommy, what’s that man talking about?” _ asked a young boy huddled in an intact building.

“Yes, my fellow Christians. We have come to save you!”

_ “Hooray, it’s the Catholic Church!” _ said a random gentleman.

“FROM YOURSELVES!”

_ “...Oh, no...it’s the Catholic Church.” _

Machine guns ripped through countless people as they ran from the helicopters. Missiles struck streets and buildings in massive fireballs, causing even more damage on top of what the Nazis did. Their aim was steady and true, and Blackwell could not be happier.

“Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have Mercy, for I. Have.  _ None _ !”

 

“I think your leader, Blackwell, is letting his new authority inflate his arrogance even more, which I didn’t think was possible,” said Diana, a safe distance away from the carnage. “One of your should probably have a talk with him.”

“He’s...just under a lot of pressure,” said Jasminka, trying to play Pope’s advocate.

_ “You do not deserve God’s Mercy,” _ proclaimed Blackwall.  _ “If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!” _

“I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them,” said Jasa, a little more unsure this time.

_ “Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! Let God sort them out!” _

“Very true,” said Diana sarcastically. “There  _ is  _ a  _ lot  _ open to interpretation there…”

_ “I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!” _

That set Amanda off.

“Yeah, let me have a small chat,” a dangerous glint in her eyes.

An “Akko” thought struck Diana, and she grinned innocently. “Oh, I have an idea.~”

Amanda and Jasminka looked to her in confusion while Constanze’s eyes went wide.

“Why not write down a formal protest?~”

Realization struck Jasminka. “Oh my.”

“You can nail it to his door…~”

Realization finally struck Amanda. “Don’t you fucking dare-”

“Like a  _ Protestant! _ ~”

At once, everyone, including the kind-hearted Jasminka, turned their weapons toward Diana. Before anyone could defuse the situation, however, Lotte defused it herself by landing right next to Diana and nearly killing everyone as she pushed them away. She stood confidently, glasses no more and red shadows in defensive positions. Amanda, still angry, smiled.

“Well, if it isn’t Akko’s sidekick. Back for more of what I gave ya last time?” asked Amanda, brandishing more bayonets and swords.

“Why don’t you try sticking it in me again?” asked Lotte, maintaining her own venomous glare. “I might like it this time…”

Jasminka and Constanze looked toward Amanda disapprovingly.

“Context, girls!” said Amanda.

“Lotte, report! And...explain,” said Diana, still in shock over the once meek girl’s transformation.

“Place is secure. All hostiles neutralized. 90% of our forces are dead. Including Sucy, who I ate. Full-fledged Vampire now.”

“And you’re going to  _ die _ a full-fledged vampire,” said Amanda, her own group ready to fight. “It’s a shame your onee-sama won’t be here to see it.

Music. Music suddenly tore everyone’s attention away from each other and to the English Chanel. Out in the distance, a giant body of fog moved toward the burning city. Once it passed the fallen London Bridge, they could see it was not just fog. The roaring of engines and guitars blared through London as the aircraft carrier moved through the waters into view. Diana closed her eyes and smiled.

_ “This is your time to pay _

_ This is your Judgement Day _

_ We made a sacrifice _

_ And now we get to take your life!” _

Akko stood at the bow of the ship, an evil, joyous, and fangy grin on her face. She brandished both guns and overlooked the hellscape she missed. Her eyes glowed crimson, a beacon for everyone to look and think “You done goofed.” In fact, some of the Nazis and Crusaders, who stood across from each other, were beginning to think the same thing.

_ “We shoot without a gun _

_ We’ll take on anyone _

_ It’s really nothing new _

_ It’s just a thing we like to do!” _

And with that, Akko ran and jumped as the music played, her red cloak sailing through the air.

_ “You better get ready to die! _

_ You better get ready to kill!” _

All eyes were on her as she seemingly flew through the sky and landed between the opposing armies.

_ “You better get ready to run, cause here we come!” _ Suddenly, the music stopped.

“Well, well, well,” said Akko, eyeing the two figures walking toward her. “I leave for a day and...The Catholics are crusading,” she said, looking at Amanda, “While the Nazis are invading,” she said, looking at the Nazi General.

“Amanda! It’s been only two days, but it feels like  _ years _ ,” said Akko, smiling at her rival. “And youuuuu…” she trailed off, looking at the Nazi General. “Umm...how are...I...wanna say...Shenron?” She turned to Amanda. “Amanda, what’s this guy’s name?”

The Nazi growled.

“Oh, better watch our for ‘Hmrmm-hmm!”

“AtsuKOOOOOO!” shouted Diana from the rooftops, her silhouette posing an intimidating figure for both armies.

“WHAAAAAT?”

“Release restraint level-”

“Now hold your horses!” said one of the Crusaders as he held his hand up. “I don’t know who y’all think ya are, but my name’s Jeb Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf-”

“Wait, hold on. Are you a KKK member?” asked Akko, almost vibrating in excitement.

“Why, yes-”

Akko put a bullet cleanly through his head, and his body collapsed to the ground.

“That was satisfying. Wish I wasn’t sealed away during that period.”

“Fuck it! Dropping the formalities.” She took a breath, trying to convince herself that she was ready for what came next. “Akko.  _ Go for a walk. _ ”

Akko stiffened before her body relaxed, and her eyes became dim. She breathed out, a blue aura escaping from her mouth.

“When hope is gone

Undo this lock

And  **send me forth**

**On** **_a Moonlit Walk!”_ **

Everybody looked at with her with fear, anger, and caution. Even Lotte had to take a step back.

**_“Release Restraint Level..._ **

 

**_ZERO.”_ **

 

And at that, a hell broke loose. Amanda tossed blade after blade into Akko’s body. The General kicked the shadows that began to shoot out. Nazis and Crusaders turned their guns away from each other and toward the mass of shadows that Akko’s body had become. And of course, the music kicked back in. They fired, blasted and stabbed whatever they could until the mass stopped growing.

“Guys,” said Brother Dario Ignazio Ezio Silvio Francesco Ippazio Roberto Sandro Tazio. “I don’t want to jinx it, but I think we got her-”

A flash and a BWAAUGH later, the Italian Brother was decapitated.

“And the boot has finally dropped,” said Andrew, overlooking the battle from his zeppelin.

The shadow mass, once a rigid body, turned into a tidal wave of red shapes and eyes, consuming whatever it came into contact with. Bodies of figures from all time periods emerged from the shadowy waters, eyes red, arms out, and combat ready. Screams from all filled the air.

“I think it’s worth noting that this is the first time she’s ever followed my orders without any back-sass,” said Diana, overlooking the destruction without fear. “It’s simultaneously satisfying...and disappointing.”

Elsewhere, the very opposite emotions took a hold of Blackwell, who sweated and panicked with fear. Akko’s army consumed his volunteer army at an alarming rate, so he had to act fast.

“Send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!”

“They expected us!” cried Don Diego de la Vega as his forces fired upon the army of souls. While his men were in formations suited to counter even the best armies, they could do nothing about the sheer number and speed of the damned. “They expected all of us! Dios Mio! AHHHH!”

Blackwell paled, his eyes twitching as the situation grew worse. “Send in the Salvation Army!”

“Holy fuck, bros!” shouted Abbot Bouchère as him and his men faced a literal wave of bodies and souls. “This is what we get for sticking our necks out!” He gurgled in pain as two spears of horsemen pierced his neck and carried his body away.

Blackwell bit his lip as he trembled, doing his best to keep his composure. “Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!”

“They fucked off before the  _ battle even STARTED! _ ” shouted a crusader.

“Seriously,” said Bartlomiej Jeleniak, sitting in a helicopter a safe distance away from the battle. “I can’t believe they thought we were going to help them!” he finished with a chuckle.

The rest of his men laughed as they flew off into the night.

“That’s for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!”

“JEEWWWWWWS!!” screamed Blackwell.

“It’s kind of hilarious in a mundane way, isn’t it?” asked Andrew.

“No, no, no, no, no!” cried Blackwell as an armored shadow emerged from the center of the red and black mass.

“What is, Major?” asked Frank.

“NO NO NO NO NO!” screamed Blackwell as crimson eyes looked up past their equally crimson hair.

“That none of these dummkopfs ever put it together that Akko’s middle name, Haricot, is an anagram for..”

“CHARIOOOOOOOOT!”

The woman stood tall and proud, her crimson red hair and cloak flowing in the wind. Her black and red armor covered her entire body with spiked shoulder and elbow plates. Even her heeled boots were spiked. Belts looped around her waist and shoulders, the buckles in the shape of stars and moons. Instead of the goofy, sadistic expression that Akko normally wore, Chariot had a cool, collected, and serious tone to her while remaining just as terrifying. To see a legend in the flesh shocked and awed everyone watching.

“To be fair,” reasoned Frank, “ How long did it take for us to figure that out?”

“A fair point,” said Andrew, nodding. “But, we were very busy planning World War Three.”

“True...also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered,” said Frank with a laugh.

“Ah, who gives a shit? They’re Nazis!”

 

“All remaining forces!” screamed Blackwell, which was becoming a pattern. “Fall back and protect your neo-Pope!”

A set of cards and blue streaks of light struck both of the helicopters carrying him, turning them into fireballs. Blackwell screamed as he plummeted toward the ground, saved by the truck and glass box he was in. His forehead bloody, he pushed himself up, relieved to be alive. That was until he saw the wave of red souls and bodies approaching him. He crawled backward in fear until his back was against the wall. Luckily for him, however, the dead souls could not break his box.

“Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want!” he proclaimed with a point. “The only thing that can pierce my Holy Pope Box is the will of God himself-”

After he blinked, he realized that a familiar bayonet appeared centimeters away from his face. A familiar, enchanted bayonet. As the glass began to crack from where the blade pierced it, Blackwell let out a terrified cry. The glass finally shattered with the laugh of the American.

“Amanda! Why?!” he screamed.

Amanda’s grin faded, and her green eyes glowed as they pierced Blackwell’s very soul.

“It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic,  _ and the false God. _ ”

It was at this moment that Blackwell knew he fucked up.

“Also, you’re a daft cunt!” said Amanda with a smile.

“Amanda!” cried Blackwell as the bodies dragged him, their hands and arms grabbing all of his limbs and clothes as he tried to reach out. “Amanda,  _ I don’t deserve this! _ ”

“Sinners will be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out,” said Amanda coldly.

Blackwell cried in agony as his stomach was pierced by a number of steaks and spears, his screams turning into gurgles as the souls impaled and displayed his body. Blood ran down his face and body in rivers as he tried to take his final breaths only to succumb to his wounds.

 

“So…” said Lotte.

Both her and Diana were standing on the same rooftop, observing the carnage that Diana and Akko had released upon the Crusaders and the Nazis.

“This is restraint level zero?”

“Yes,” said Diana, sighing. “These are five hundred years and change of souls that Akko has consumed. Although she never stopped killing people herself, she started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for her.”

Lotte looked amazed and horrified. “How many souls has she-”

“Consumed? Hmm...two million...approximately? She never liked hanging around battlefields. She felt as if she were...cheating.”

Lotte sighed. “Knowing how hard Akko works, she would.”

Diana sighed as well before taking a deep breath. “Let’s go welcome her back!”

 

“I’m not sorry for what I did, Blackwell,” said Amanda, looking up toward his impaled corpse. “But I am sorry I had to do it.”

_ Amanda, currently a teenager in training, looked over to see a young boy with cold eyes, a dark expression under the warm sunset light. _

_ “And what has brought  _ you  _ to our sanctuary of love and family, my friend?” she asked with a smile. _

_ “I have a terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!” he said. _

_ “...Ha! You’ll fit right in!” _

Amanda detached herself from her memories, bringing her mind back to the present. The present being Blackwell’s dead body. Out of respect, she closed his eyes.

“You were a good boy, Blackwell. Shame you were such a shit man.”

 

_ “To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders,”  _ said Amanda over the radio.  _ “Fall back to the Vatican!” _

“But Amanda,” said Jasminka. “We still have our orders and-”

_ “You don’t have to follow orders when your leader’s acting like a daft cunt! Also, Blackwell’s dead, so…” _

“Mmm,” said Constanze.

_ “Don’t cry for the stupid, Constanze. You’ll be crying all day. Now follow my orders. There’s something I must take care of.” _

“Amanda, you can’t possibly defeat Akko as she is now,” said Jasminka, a soft tone carrying her voice.

_ “Maybe you’re right, Jasa. But I want to take a stab at it anyway.” _

 

“I’m not sure we’ve technically met,” said Diana, slightly afraid of the legend standing in front of her.

Her, Lotte, and Chariot were standing in a now silent battlefield, the bodies of Nazis and Crusaders impaled around them. The wind blew through the air, taking the stench of death away and carrying everyone’s hair and cloak dramatically.

“It is an honor, Lady Diana Cavendish,” said Chariot as she bowed with a soft smile. “Akko has told me great things about you.”

“And yet she has yet to tell me much about you,” said Diana, smiling back. “I’ve always studied the stories and myths, but the existence of the original Chariot Du Nord has always been in question.”

“I told her to do that, especially after fact turned into fiction after Bram Stoker wrote Count Chariot.” The Queen sighed in disappointment. “The only times I ever asked to be in control was during World War Two, especially during the Blitz.”

Realization struck Diana. “You were the Queen’s lover? Not Akko?”

“Croix?” Chariot smiled at the memories. “Ah, yes. Cold nights, warm bed. Her skin on my own, the inventive way she used her tongue-”

“I now see where Akko gets her perverted side from,” said Diana, suppressing the red rising to her cheeks.

Chariot chuckled. “Perhaps. Though...I had this one technique, and I saw that Akko used it on you a couple times.”

“Please stop,” croaked Diana, her face burning.

“As you wish,” said Chariot, who’s cool facade had broken as she blushed and inwardly cursed Akko for making her say those things.

“Uh..hello...Master!” said Lotte, shyly defusing the situation. “Um...it’s me! The-the-the police girl!” Chariot reached out with an armored hand, and Lotte shrunk back in fear, closing her eyes. However, all she felt was a soft pat on her head before a pair of arms pulled her in close for a hug.

“You’ve grown so much, little one,” said Chariot as Lotte opened her eyes to see a motherly smile. “I’ve been watching closely since Akko and I agreed to sire you. It warms my long-dead heart to see how far you’ve come, Lotte Yanson.”

Lotte smiled and huggled Chariot back, giggling excitedly. Diana smiled at the sight before she noticed both girls opening their arms to her as well.

“You too, Diana. You’ve been through a lot today. Your country destroyed, Anna missing in action. In fact, since the day you awakened Akko, you’ve never rested, but everything is okay now. You can relax.”

She was reluctant, but slowly, she stepped forward and become enveloped in a group hug. Although Chariot wore armor and Lotte’s arm was made of shadows, it was still the nicest feeling she had in a while. A feeling of absolute protection and a feeling of motherly love.

“This is nice,” she said.

“ATSUKOOOO!” shouted Amanda, falling towards them from above.

Chariot released her hug and jumped, intercepting Amanda with her sword mid-air and pushing both of them away from Lotte and Diana. The two jumped backward from each other and landed in battle stances.

“Atsuko Kagari is not here right now,” said Chariot, pulling her sword back and putting her hand forward. “You face Queen Chariot Du Nord of France.”

“Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy vampire bitch!” said Amanda, pulling her blades into her signature cross pose. “I’m here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!”

“Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade, then let it be so...Mother O’Neill.”

“Time the fuck out,” said Amanda, an expression of disbelief on her face. “If we’re doing this, and we  _ are  _ doing this, I’m not gonna come swinging at Chariot. I’m killing  _ Akko! _ ”

“Technically, she is still a part of me, so-”

“Partly isn’t enough!” shouted Amanda, throwing a few bayonets. “Shut up and bring her out!”

The blades were shot in mid-air, the familiar sound of gunshots ringing out.

“Very well, if you insist,” said Chariot, looking down as her hair lost its color. When she looked back up, the familiar maniacal expression that Amanda knew and loved was back.

“Hey there, butchy nun! How’s little Timmy? You know what’s good for getting cum stains out of robes? HOLY WATER!” Akko crossed her arms and guns and grinned. “Did’ya miss me?!”

“Like Coke after lent!” replied Amanda, smiling and running toward the vampire.

“Wait, are we talking cola or cocai-”

Akko never finished her sentence as she narrowly dodged some of Amanda’s slashes. As she flipped through the air, she fired at Amanda’s arms. It would have been blown off had it not been for the summoned blades that blocked the shot, shattering the weapons into fragments of light. Amanda continued her relentless attack of a mixture of quick attacks and stabs, some of which hit Akko. The Vampire continued to grin and backflip, taking shots whenever she could. She fired both guns at once, catching Amanda in both of her hands and causing her to grunt in pain. While light pooled around her wounds, Amanda pointed forward with one hand while she drew her other arm back like a bow. Bayonets and swords appeared midair behind her, forming an arc around her head and all pointing towards Akko. With a snap of her fingers, all blades flew toward the vampire. She dodged and destroyed most of them, but a few managed to pierce her body, drawing shadows and blood.

“Neat trick. I can summon bullshit too!” said Akko, jumping on top of a rock as countless souls and bodies appeared, all ready to face Amanda. The Catholic started down the horde without fear and drew her weapons. “Wangari?”

The shoutcaster materialized next to Akko, already smiling with her microphone. “You called?”

“This is gonna be a tough fight, but it’s also going to be a great fight,” said Akko, pulling the blades out of her body. “So, could you write this down for the books? And also shoutcast it?”

“Not a problem, boss!” said Wangari, giving her a thumbs up before jumping to a higher location.

“The runner takes her mark, the starting gun is fired, and it’s off to the races, folks!”

Amanda dashed forward into the horde and began to swing, causing the bodies to burst into bloody chunks

“She swings to the left! She swings to the right! She’s right in the thick of it, a blender in a zombie milkshake, ladies and gentlemen! And what’s this?!”

Amanda, light glowing from the inside of her jacket, pulled out a bayonet. That was connected to another. And another. And another. She swung the chain of bayonets into the heads of the bodies, explosions firing off like a massive firecracker.

“Oh, it’s a regular ol’ bayonet jamboree!”

Amanda continued to dash in her new path only to see a big figure approaching.

“And out of the smoke! Who’s this squaring up against her, standing eight foot five and weighing in at six hundred pounds?! It’s Biiiiiiiig Barry!!”

The hulking figure roared as Amanda lept, stepping him directly in the mouth. He was, however, unfazed.

“Better watch out!” said Wangari, leaning over the edge excitedly. “He’s got no gag reflex! And he’s a hugger!~” Barry then gripped Amanda’s arm and squeezed, causing the woman to cry out in pain.

“But wait! There’s more!”

Amanda looked over Big Barry’s shoulder to see a legion of knights riding toward her with lances at the ready. Before Wangari could say anything, a cacophony of gunfire broke out, slaughtering the knights and their horses. Amanda turned her gaze behind her to see Constanze and her men, all wielding smoking pistols.

“Mm!” hummed Constanze aggressively.

Amanda felt the grip on her arm loosen as a massive battle ax tore through Big Barry, separating him into two. Jasminka finished her swing and planted her ax on the ground, smiling at Amanda.

“Are you okay?” she asked sweetly.

“Jasa! Constanze!” She glared at her two partners in a mix of shock and anger. “I gave you express fucking orders to-”

“Mhm!” grunted Constanze.

“WHAT?!” shouted Akko from a distance away.

“She said, and pardon my language, that ‘We don’t have to follow orders when our leader’s acting like a daft cunt!’” said Jasminka.

“...That’s the only time you get to call me  _ any _ kind of cunt,” said Amanda, disbelief taking over her face.

“She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!” said Akko.

“Iscariot!” shouted Jasminka, bringing all of the Catholic warriors to attention. “Do you want to live forever?!”

“We will live forever!” they all chanted. “In God’s Grace!”

And with that, they all charged forward, clearing a path for Amanda.

“Y'all know you’re Naruto running, right?!” said Akko.

“And in a surprising turn of events, Amanda O’Neill has received reinforcements from insubordinate subordinates!” said Wangari, leaning even further in excitement.

“Standing in at a mere five feet and wielding dual pistols, the girl whose height genes went into her intellect genes instead, it’s Constanze Amalie von Braunschbank-Albrechtsberger!”

Everybody almost stopped their actions at hearing Wangari pronounce Constanze’s full name correctly.

“How?”

“What?”

“Oh my.”

“Mhm!” said Constanze, giving Wangari a thumbs up.

“Next to her, the Russian with a heart of gold, a stomach of a black hole, and the strength of infinity, wielding a custom-made double-sided battle ax, it’s Jasminka Antonenko!”

Jasminka finished her slash through ten zombies then waved to Wangari.

“God...is Great!” shouted one of the warriors before he blew himself up in a massive explosion that engulfed all nearby zombies.

“...These are Catholic suicide bombers,” said Akko, slightly amused. “What a fun day!”

A series of “God is Great”s filled the air as more and more of the Iscariot members blew themselves up, creating enough smoke and fire to block Akko’s vision.

“Is it racist to say it sounds better in Arabic?”

Finally, out of the smoke, Amanda appeared. Blood stained her white suit and cloak, and parts of her arm were missing. Still, she stared Akko down valiantly.

“Any last words, monster?” she asked.

“So you know how the bible says a man shall not lay with another man as with a woman? Does that mean that, technically, lesbians are legal in the eyes of God? And since men don’t have vaginas, men can’t lay with another man as with a women, so does that make yaoi okay?”

Wordlessly, Amanda pulled a wooden box out of her cloak, covered in symbols and ripped pieces of cloth.

“Ooo, is that your doujin collection?”

“I forgive you.”

“...Excuse me?” Akko lowered her guns, an upset and confused expression on her face.

“Everything you’ve said, everything you’ve done, I forgive you.”

Akko barked out a laugh. “Well, isn’t that convenient?” She looked at Amanda darkly.

“But it’s not up to you, isn’t it? It’s up to your  _ precious  _ God,” she spat with venom.

“You’re right,” said Amanda, giving her a small smile. “Would you like to speak to him?” She shattered the box, revealing a small nail. The other Iscariot members looked in shock.

“Isn’t that one of the nails that pierced Christ’s body?” asked Jasminka.

“Mhm,” said Constanze.

“From the ‘Don’t fuck with this’ armory?” asked Jasminka with more shock.

“Mhm.”

“Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea Scrolls, and the  _ actual _ body of Christ?!”

“Mhm!”

“Oo la la!” said Akko, grinning while her eyes remained sharp. “You got a nail with some savior juice on it! Wha’cha gonna do? Stab me through the heart?”

“Not yours,” said Amanda, turning the nail in her hand.

Akko’s smile fell. “No…no no.”

“Mine.”

“No no no no no no no No!”

Before Akko could reach her in time, Amanda struck her heart with the nail, vines already spreading throughout her body. Instinctually, Akko pointed her gun at Amanda’s head, but before she could pull the trigger, there was a flash of light. It severed Akko’s arm and head in a bloody spray. She quickly fired with her other gun, blowing off Amanda’s head. Both headless bodies fell backward, then they stomped on the ground and stabilized themselves. Shadows and vines began to reform their heads, Akko’s crimson eyes glaring in anger and pain. Both women raised their weapons, Amanda crossing her blades in her signature cross from above and the side while Akko crossed her guns in a reverse across from below and the side.

**“Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace,”** said Amanda, her voice warping and echoing as vines lifted her up.  **“And I absolve you** **_for your sins.”_ ** Amanda’s voice was joined by another one, a calm male voice, as the vines finished lifting her up. She floated in the air with her arms spread out as if she were nailed to the massive vine cross that had formed behind her. Blades of light formed around her once more, all pointed down towards Akko, who glared unflinchingly. More and more formed, until they illuminated the darkness of night.

**_“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and_ ** _ of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” _

All at once, the blades pounced forward, stabbing Akko in every limb, but the biggest one struck her head. Vines sprouted from each blade, entangling Akko’s limbs as they weighed her down. She lost all movement in her body, and her grip on her guns loosened.

_ “Ah,  _ shit! _ This hurts,” _ thought Akko.  _ “This is a deep pain.” _

And then she was on fucking fire.

_ “Oh cool, it gets worse!” _

_ “Atsuko Kagari. Chariot Du Nord. The Vampire Queen,”  _ said a voice.

_ “Oh fuck me! She wasn’t kidding!” _

Akko chuckled, looking at the white landscape she found herself in.

“Hello, God,” she said with venom and a smile.

_ “Atsuko.” _

“Just call me Akko. Oh, and Chariot isn’t here right now.”

_ “Hold that thought.” _

Suddenly, images of Akko’s soul collection burning hit her mind. All two million-ish of the mindless souls she had gathered over the years went up in white and blue flames.

“Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?” she complained. “Stop that! Stop that! Those are mine!” 

_ “I am forgiving your sins and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned in you.” _

Akko laughed. “Hold on a sec.  _ You’ve  _ got a problem with using others for their own ends?  _ What?  _ Should I be giving you  _ credit _ for the idea? Is that it?!”

_ “What is the source of your anger, child?” _

“Fuck you! You’re omniscient! You already know.”

_ “Yes...but I want you to say it.” _

“...”

_ “...” _

“...”

God sighed.  _ “Was it the ten years of-” _

“It was the ten years of  _ rape! _ ” roared Akko. “But don’t forget the twenty years of exploitation that started since I was born!” She pointed at the circle of light that represented God. “Let me ask you something, Ya-Weh. Which part of fucking me did you enjoy the most? Was it making me born into literally a slave family? Was it having me sold into sex slavery? Starting me at such a disadvantage that I had to claw my way to the top? Making me sell every bit of my self-respect just to survive every day? The actual fucking? Oo! I know! It was when I finally had reached some sort of satisfaction, and, after years of hard work, torture, dedication, and unanswered prayers, and I was raped and stabbed to death in the middle of the fucking road!”

The circle of God began to move, but Akko cut him off.

“I’m not finished yet! Chariot won’t complain because she’s mellowed out, but I’ll do it for her. Why, after she led campaigns across the continent, suffered and fought in your name, and did nothing wrong, was she burned at the motherfucking stake?”

_ “Akko, there’s no need to-” _

“Shut up, mom! I’m being angry for you! Anyways, you betrayed her! Robbed her! Killed her! It’s a miracle you didn’t have her raped as well!”

_ “I have a plan for everyone,” _ replied God.

“Oh?! Then what’s the plan for the starving children in...oh I don’t know...name an African country!? Or the child laborers in name an Asian country?! Is it for them to die? Because if so,  _ killer plan! _ ”

Akko took a deep breath.

“But...do you know who was there for me, for Chariot, who answered our prayers, finally? HERE! Let’s put them on!”

_ “I saw this coming, but I’m still not looking forward to it,”  _ sighed God.

There was a dial tone played throughout the space, then…

**_“Hello God.”_ **

_ “Hi, Satan.” _

**_“Oh please, that’s just a name the Christians gave me. Call me Woodward.”_ **

Next to Akko and God, a fiery red figure with long, thick hair appeared, the flames obscuring closer details.

_ “Mmhmm.” _

**_“Now, I know it’s been a while, but it can’t be stated enough that you have my condolences for what happened to your son. It was a terrible turn of events.”_ **

_ “Mmhmm.” _

**_“Remember, I may not appear all of the times that the humans need me, but I will always be there if you need to talk. Well, down here, technically. After all, you are the one who sent me down here. In fact, I’ve been able to add some greenery along to the red down here, so there is a sense of Christmas as an added bonus.”_ **

_ “Mmhmm.” _

**_“Getting back on topic, Akko and Chariot have been a tremendous help down here. By Claiming Souls and killing monsters and other small tasks, they’ve cleaned up Hell by massive amounts. You have my gratitude for forsaking them and sending them our way. Thank you so much.”_ **

_ “Mmhmm.” _

**_“While we’re here, is it possible for you to...ease up on the requirements for getting into heaven? It is getting quite full down here. Otherwise, I will have to request an expansion-”_ **

God hung up the line somehow, causing Satan/Woodward to vanish. He sighed.

_ “Anyway, Atsuko, you are forgiven, and if you are brave enough to accept it-” _

“Didn’t ask! Don’t need it! Go fuck yourself!” said Akko.

_ “Hmmm,” _ hummed god, disappointed.

Akko’s vision of white slowly faded back into the real world.

_ “That was a pretty fair offer, Atsuko,” _ said Woodward.

_ “I agree. I’m okay with my situation now, but you could have freed yourself,”  _ said Chariot, concerned for her protege.

“You know I couldn’t leave you behind. Plus, life is fun. God’s a stuck up bastard anyways.”

_ “What are you going to do now?”  _ asked Woodward.

“They same thing we agreed to all those years before,” said Akko, seriousness taking over her face. “As Chariot burned, as I laid there, both of us betrayed by the Lord we thought on our side, made a monster in his name, we swore we would never to allow a monster like ourselves to exist in this world,” said Akko, standing tall while burning with fire and passion.

_ “Technically, I might’ve created a worse monster by mending your fate and soul with mine,”  _ said Chariot sheepishly.

_ “Very true,”  _ said Woodward.  _ “Also, can I have my dogs back?” _

“No! They’re mine now!”

Akko’s consciousness returned to her body. The vines around her snapped, the blades embedded in her shattered, and her eyes and glove glowed red. With a fiery hand, she thrust forward.

Straight through Amanda’s chest.

She pulled out her heart, the organ still impaled by the nail and vines flailing about it. The remainder of Amanda’s fading body collapsed to the ground as Akko stood tall. She felt it beat in her hands, the very essence of a person’s life. Finally, she squeezed, crushing the heart and spraying blood in every direction. The rest of spectators looked in shock. Even Wangari, who somehow did not burn away like the rest of the souls, was silent. Blood pooled around Akko’s feet and the forgotten nail, and she walked toward Amanda’s fading torso. Her legs, her arm, and half of her face were gone, and her red hair was beginning to lose color.

“It...looks like you got what you finally wanted, Akko,” said Amanda, her voice wavering. 

“I didn’t want this.”

“You stole my heart,” said Amanda with a smile.

“Aw...fucking...come...come on, girl,” said Akko, her own voice beginning to tremble.

Amanda looked toward Jasminka and Constanze, both of which were kneeled and weeping.

“Don’t cry, you two. This is just the next step to reaching God. I did my part. It’s time for you two to do yours,” she said with a smile before turning back toward Akko.

“At times like this, I’m reminded of one of my favorite verses. ‘ The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children .’”

“Ezekiel 25; 17, right?” said Akko.

The Catholic smirked. “Yup. Pulp Fiction.”

“Where’s the second part?”

Amanda sighed. “Whenever I said that verse in the past, and when I said it to you in the museum, it meant that you were as good as dead. I was God’s sword, the destroyer of evil and sin. But years ago, I realized something. There will always be more evil in this world, like you and things worse than you. The true challenge is looking that evil in the eye and not becoming corrupted yourself. I always had fun fighting and killing, and I nearly lost myself in that before finding my true goal: being a Shepherd.”

Amanda strained herself to look Akko in the eye. “Akko, I hate you, but I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you’ve committed, to use evil to kill all other evil. You’re not a righteous woman trying to remain pure, but a tyrant trying to become righteous.”

Amanda couched a few times, dust flying out of her mouth. 

“As someone lost in bloodshed and violence just like you, adrift in this mad world, I made peace with my demons and found my way back. May I tell you how?”

“Of course...my friend,” said Akko.

“I-”

A boot stomped on Amanda’s face, scattering the remainder of her ashes and dust.

“Said three Hail Mary’s, ate my vitamins, fucked off, and died.  _ Amen _ .”

“AAAAAANNNNNAAAAAAA!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK! With Hellsing Abridged finished and finals season over, I can now work on some stories! Thank you all so much for waiting and I hope you all enjoy these last few chapters! Until next time, peace!


	9. The Bad, The Big Bad, and The Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betrayals come into light, new allies are found, and motivations are revealed. Also, everything is on fire.

“Anna!” Akko inhaled sharply, composing herself and pretending the maid didn’t just stomp the deteriorating head of her friend. “How are you doing? You look...moisturized,” she said, noticing the lack of wrinkles and the more vibrant colored brown hair. “Did ya get some work done?”

“I  _ have _ been seeing a Doctor, and he’s administered a rather...unorthodox treatment,” said the now younger head maid.

“Shot in the dark: Was it vampire DNA?”

“It was a Spa day, a deep tissue massage, and a face mask...of vampire DNA.”

“If you wanted one of those, you could have just asked me,” said Akko, smiling to hide her anger. Diana, on the other hand, was more straightforward.

“Anna. I sincerely hope you are not betraying us because you know first hand what happens to traitors,” she said, her eyes blank.

“Are you talking about of the unmarked graves in the courtyard?” asked Lotte. “Which are now currently all uprooted…”

“You mean the people we buried alive?” asked Akko.

“You did  _ what? _ ”

“I apologize Ma’am, but I had no other choice,” said Anna. “No matter what, I am dying. If I didn’t cooperate, they would have killed me. If Millennial wouldn’t kill me, I would still die from old age.”

“And that was enough for you to switch sides?!”

“If it eases your conscience, know that I am not betraying you. I only have eyes for Akko. When I was faced with such a predicament, I was reminded that I am a maid second, and a vampire hunter first. I still have regrets in this world.”

“I’ll cut you to ribbons!” screamed Jasminka, coming down with a mighty swing. She struck the ground, splitting the concrete into dust and chunks, but there was a severe lack of blood.

“I apologize,” said Anna, suspended by her wires. “But in London, England, ribbons cut you.”

In a flash, Jasminka’s arm fell to the ground in a bloody spray. The Russian girl fell back in pain without crying out, clutching her stump as blood soaked the ground and her clothes. Constanze rushed to her aid, ready to unload both of her guns. At the last second, however, the General fired his (stupid, overly long) gun, catching Constanze in the face mid-jump. The German girl slammed onto the ground, a trail of blood following her rolling body. Miraculously, however, she was alive, though she was clutching her mouth. The General threw a medical kit her way before walking toward the Hellsing Trio.

“Are you two alright?!” asked a couple of Iscariot members, running in to assist Jasminka and Constanze and their wounds.

“I’ve lost some weight, but other than that, I’m fine,” said Jasminka, biting through the pain. “Is Constanze okay?”

“I’ve been better,” she said, wrapping her cheeks with bandages. “But those were wires, not ribbons.” Everybody stopped what they were doing.

“What?”

“You...you’re speaking,” said one of the Iscariot members.

“I am. Now stop gawking and help us,” she growled.

 

“Now, with the third party out of the way, how about we decide which one of us is more powerful once and for all?” said Anna, wires glowing blue.

“One moment, please.” Akko turned toward her master and friend, who stood tall and steady. “Diana. I want to hear you say it. I  _ need _ to hear you say it.”

Diana breathed out. She stood completely still, yet her emotions ran at light speed. Her surrogate mother and her vampire servant/girlfriend stood in front of her. Both were going to fight, and most likely, only one would come out of it alive. Still, the end was near. Anna’s end was near.

“Anna.”

“Yes, Lady Diana?”

“I release you from your services.”

“Ma’am?”

“Now give her a proper send off, Akko!” 

The vampire laughed, eyes turning crazed and shadows shooting out. “Yes Ma’am!”

_ “Hold on a moment!” _ said Andrew from the loudspeakers on his zeppelin.  _ “The Frauleins might want to take a step back! You’re in the  _ splash _ zone!” _

“Fucking Muffin Muzzler,” growled Akko as the massive airship crash-landed on the street. Metal and metal scraped as the large doors opened, kicking up dust and particles as they slammed on the ground, revealing a certain blonde-haired German girl.

“Come, ladies~,” said Blair, gesturing her hand inside. “Let’s let them have their fun.”

“Lotte, with me,” said Diana.

Lotte looked at Akko apprehensively.

“Go with Diana, Lotte. Someone has to protect her since  _ someone _ broke their promise to me.”

“Ouch,” said Anna.

“Fine,” said Lotte, before looking at the former head maid. “And to you, Anna C. Dornez.”

Surprise took Anna’s face, and she prepared herself for whatever Lotte could possibly say.

“...Thank you for the cannon.”

Anna sighed before her lips curved up ever so slightly. “And thank you for your service, Lotte Yanson.”

“Kick her ass, master!” said Lotte before she ran off to join Diana on the airship.

“Everyone aboard the SS Schutzstaffel, or as we like to call it, the SS SS-”

Diana interrupted Blair will a bullet in her head, her body collapsing to the ground once again.

Akko and Anna stood in a standoff, wind blowing through the street. The dust cleared away. There was nothing separating the two, only space and the time it would take to cross the space.

“So, how are we gonna do this?” asked Akko. “Are you gonna come at me? Should I come at you? Should we come at the same time?”

Anna’s expression darkened.

“Oh, you’ll come. They always come!”

With that, the two women charged, shadows and wires drawn. As Akko lunged forward with her arm, ready to tear out Anna’s heart, the vampire hunter stopped and jumped back. Suddenly, Akko’s arm exploded as wires tore it into pieces. The vampire grunted in pain as shadows reformed her lost limb.

“Okay, at least make a joke about that move costing me an arm and a leEEEEEEEG!” screamed Akko as Anna’s wires wrapped Akko’s leg and tossed her into buildings like a ragdoll. “I FEEL LIKE WE’RE NOT ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH!”

“Hmm...not inaccurate,” said Anna, continuing to fling and drag Akko through the side of the buildings before yanking her straight into the ground. Steel beams and concrete slabs plummeted below, crushing the vampire and creating a cloud of dust. Suddenly, out of the cloud, a massive wolf of red shadows snarled. It towered over Anna, covered with red eyes and equipped with enormous teeth.

“Hey! Ever heard of Up-Dog!?” asked Akko.

With a single wave of her hand, a wire split the dog in half easily.

“Not much,” said Anna, surrounded by shadow blood. “How about you?”

“First you kill my  _ dog _ ,” said Akko, slowing rising out of the ground behind Anna and aiming her gun. “Then you anti my fucking joke?” However, as soon as she pulled the trigger, her gun exploded, eviscerating her hand into a bloody mess.

“Am I  _ triggering _ you?” asked Anna.

“Oh,  _ fuck! _ ” screamed Akko, clutching her hand before being tossed and cut even more.

“ _ Wire _ you getting so upset?”

“Okay!” said Akko, struggling to stand up. “I know it’s filthy rich coming from  _ me _ , but your powers are bullshit!”

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I went through all of this,” said Anna. “Why I abandoned my home and duty just to kill you.”

“You know, I’ve been trying to figure that out myself,” said Akko, regenerating her wounds. “And, I think I finally did.” Akko smirked. “You should really clear your internet history, you freaking weeb-”

Wires wrapped around each of the vampire’s limbs and tightened, severing them from her body. They sliced and diced every limb, even cutting Akko in half until only her bleeding, wrapped torso and head remained, suspended in the air and unmoving. Anna had won.

 

* * *

 

Fires and explosions burned behind Diana as she walked unflinchingly through the hallways of the Nazi zeppelin. The air grew increasingly hotter along with Diana’s own rage.

“Fire!” shouted a Nazi soldier.

The hallway quickly became filled with bullets as their automatic weapons ripped through the air. The Cavendish Head, however, did not stop, for Lotte quickly sprung forward and shielded the two of them with her shadows. Once the two were in range, Lotte threw of the bullets back like a scattergun, tearing through their armor and bodies. The rest were quickly dispatched by Lotte’s brute strength and Diana’s swordswomanship. She pointed her gun to the last Nazi remaining, currently laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood.

“As majestic as you are,” he coughed, “you’d be a lot prettier...if you smiled more.”

He giggled maniacally as Diana shot him point blank, absolutely disgusted.

“These fools die with a smile on their face. Their religion is death and carnage, a cult of nihilism.”

“Then let’s give them exactly what they want!” roared Lotte, the deaths of her friends and Sucy at her mind.

_ “My dear Diana,” _ said Andrew over the loudspeakers.  _ “Although not entirely incorrect, we, in fact, do have a purpose in this meaningless world. We are here...for Glory.” _

Although confused, Lotte and Diana kept their cold expressions as Andrew began to monologue.

_ “After the war, we were ousted and scorned. No one really wanted to settle the score there. We lost our purpose, but worse, we lost our chance at the one  _ true  _ gift that can be afforded to people like us. A true. Glorious. Death. Without glory, our deaths would be meaningless, so in this towering wall of civilization of peace and stagnation, of expectation and monotony, we had to break  _ through _. Little by little, we carved through, until we could see glory on the other side. There, with a vicious will and steeled heart, stood Cavendish.” _

Out of the darkness stood the General, fully cloaked head to toe and cold, red eyes staring at the pair.

_ “So danke schoen, dear Fräuleins, for finally giving us the happy ending we so  _ desperately _ craved. From our majestic  _ Glory Hole. _ ” _

“Of course he had to,” groaned Diana, tired of all the inappropriate jokes.

_ “Hey, I’ll give it an eight out of ten.” _

“Sucy?” asked Lotte, looking around. “Was that Sucy?”

“Please tell me you’re not going insane as well,” said Diana.

“I swear I just heard her.”

“Maybe you have a case like Akko and Sucy is a part of you.”

“I kind of doubt it?”

Diana looked towards the General, who had been standing still this entire time.

“Well, if you excuse me, I have a recording to make. Do me a favor and clean up the rest of this mess, will you?” asked Diana.

The General merely pointed to the hall on the right, telling her exactly where she needed to go.

“At least someone on this ship has manners,” said Diana as she walked off, leaving Lotte alone to face the General as a sudden explosion and fire illuminated the hallway.

“You wouldn’t happen to be Filipino, would you?”

“Mmm-mmm.”

“Thought so.”

Lotte kicked two machine guns up into her hands and fired. As the General began to return fire with his pistol and an Uzi, Lotte charged forward as another explosion went off, filling her sight with smoke. As she jumped out ready to attack, a cloak blocked her view and tangled her, causing her to fall. Moments later, a bullet pierced her chest. She cried out in pain.

“Did you just shoot me with a- AGH! Motherfucker!”

Her shadows surged from her body, tearing the cloak and chasing the General as he jumped and flipped to avoid them. Right as his back hit the wall, Lotte grinned. It was, however, short-lived, as her shadows stopped mere inches away as white fires began to emanate from his body. When he looked up, his face and teeth had elongated and more parts of his body had grown white fire and shadows.

“Fuck me,” said Lotte, taking a step back. “He’s a Nazi fucking  _ werewolf?! _ ”

The wolf had grown to nearly twice Lotte’s height and its red eyes were shining brightly. It snarled at Lotte at incredible speeds. She barely survived the first lunge before a second knocked into the the wall, crushing it and her organs. As she coughed out blood, the General leaped into the air and kicked her into the floor. She crashed through it and many more, finally stopping in a massive warehouse compartment.

_ “Sucy was right,” _ thought Lotte, on the ground and about to pass out.  _ “This is...SO much worse.” _

As blackless finally filled her mind, it was illuminated by a lighter and a cigarette.

_ “I’d call him a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but he’s dressed like a Nazi, so…” _

_ “He’s a fucking Nazi,” _ thought Lotte before realization hit her.  _ “Also, hi?!” _

With Sucy’s voice in her head, Lotte snapped awake just in time to dodge the General’s kick, who smashed into a crate and showered the room in wealth.

_ “Kumusta, sinta,” _ said Sucy with a smile.

“Sucy? How-why-”

_ “When ate me out, you had my consent. Thus, I am part of you now, Lotte.” _

Lotte’s expression grew from shocked to soft.  _ “So... you’re finally inside of me. How does it feel?” _

Sucy laughed, spreading warmth throughout Lotte’s chest.  _ “Let’s put a pin that. First, let’s put down Kibbles ‘n Bitch over there!” _

Lotte narrowly dodged another kick before she slammed her shadow arm into the ground, causing it to tendril out and impale the Nazi. However, before they could make contact, he lept into the air with a new pair of white wings before diving down and cutting Lotte’s arm off with talons.

_ “So he’s also a Dragon? What is this, Nightfall 912, Journey to Asia?” _

_ “Come now, Sinta. The only way to kill a Werewolf is a Silver Bullet.” _

_ “That’s a shame. I left all of my Silver bullets at home. Literally,”  _ said Lotte, doing her best to block off attacks before she finally pushed the General back far enough and collapsed on her knees. In the process, even more boxes were smashed, causing another rain of wealth in the room.

_ “There’s another way, but...it’s pretty gross.” _

After feeling something in her hand, Lotte picked it up. It was a silver tooth.

“Oh my god.”

_ “Welcome to the first White National Bank of the Schutzstaffel!”  _ said Sucy.  _ “Gold, silver, copper from air conditioners, and they think they are too big to fail! But all we have to do is shove that is his heart!” _

_ “Then it’s time I-” _

Before Lotte could finish her thought, the General kicked her across the room.

_ “Focus on fighting and leave the one-liners to me, alright?” _ said Sucy.

Lotte rolled out to avoid another blow before forming shadow gauntlets on her arms. After dodging another punch, she retaliated with her own, blowing the white fire off of his arm but not destroying the arm itself. Their blows boomed in the compartment, causing the room to shudder. Fists met fists, unstoppable powers colliding in flashes of black, red, and white. However, the General bested Lotte in every way, from experience to raw strength. As Lotte went to meet another blow, he quickly turned around and punched her arm with both of his. The force blew Lotte’s arm off, causing her to stagger. With the opening, he swept her off her feet and drove his first though her stomach. She cried and coughed in pain, unable to move.

_ “It’s no use...Sucy. I can’t beat him alone. He’s too powerful…” _

The General brought his other first down to Lotte’s head to deal the finishing blow. Suddenly, there was a flash of white.

“Good thing you’re not alone then.”

When Lotte opened her eyes, the sight of a scythe met her. Instead of being pointed at her, however, it was directed towards the General and his severed arm. A purple-haired woman stood above her, black and red shadows finally receding to reveal her identity.

“Avery?” asked Lotte weakly.

“Don’t forget about me!”

A blue blur slammed into the General, knocking him aside before it turned to her and offered her a hand.

“Nothing like a last minute save, amirite?”

“Mary!”

The blue-haired ponytailed mercenary grinned as she pulled Lotte to her feet and hugged her.

“How?” asked Lotte.

“So because I was enamored by Avery so much, I might’ve willingly given her my soul,” said Mary sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. “And her last thoughts before being consumed by you were, and I quote-”

“The point is,” said Avery, interrupting Mary, “was that I gave you my consent at the last minute. Thus, our souls belong to you.”

“Yeah, after I spent a long time  _ convincing  _ her to help you,” smirked Mary, sending a suggestive look toward a blushing Avery. “So straight-laced...well, not anymore.” She put her fingers in the V in front of her mouth and stuck her tongue out, smiling all the while.

_ “I’m so glad they actually managed to manifest a room,”  _ groaned Sucy.

Lotte suddenly felt like she was surrounded by sexual deviants once again. Thankfully, the General had finally gotten back up. Avery pointed her scythe towards him.

“It’s nothing personal, General Fafnir.” She hooked her arm around Mary’s waist and pulled her flush against her. “I’ve simply found another reason to live than dying for glory.” Mary grew as red as Fafnir’s eyes.

“We’ll get you that opening,” said Mary, picking up two machine guns. “Let’s go, Liebe!”

The two dashed forward, Mary firing at the General. In defense, he raised his white shadows, but it distracted him for just enough time for to Avery leap over and bring her scythe down. Raising his arms in defense, it left him open long enough for Mary to dash between his legs and slice his tendons, bringing him to his knees. Before the two women to could do any more damage, however, he sprouted his wings and leaped up, knocking both of them away. Although this left him wide open to Mary’s bullets, they had little to no effect on him as he dodged and tanked the shots. Pole vaulting with her scythe, Avery threw herself into the air and flipped, becoming a living sawblade that cut through Fafnir’s wings cleanly. The General fell to the ground, and Lotte charged. However, his tendons healed just in time. Right as Lotte was about to reach his heart, he pushed himself up and drop-kicked her into the wall. With a snarl, he pounced on Mary, biting her arm. Despite the arm reverting back into shadows with no blood, she cried out in pain. As Avery saw red and went to assist, Lotte staggered back to her feet.

_ “He hit you! What are you going to do about it!?” _

“Hit him  **HARDER!** ” roared Lotte, smashing her arm into the wall and lifting a missile that dwarfed her five-fold.

_ “Holy shit. It’s almost as big as my love for you.” _

“You mean your lady-boner?”

_ “That is what I call it, yes.” _

With a shout that alerted Mary and Avery, she threw the ordinance. Thanks to the mercenary and the German, the General had no time to dodge, so he struck the explosive, surrounding him with fire and smoke. Using the opportunity, Mary lept on his back and grabbed his wings. As he struggled to throw her off, Avery swept her scythe low, slicing both of his legs off. With a mighty roar and unknown strength, Mary ripped the General’s wings off, leaving only his torso and arms remaining. His ears perked up, and he threw an anticipated punch, blowing off one of Lotte’s arms. Before his other fist could connect, Lotte chomped on his arm.

“Sorry,” she growled. “This Red Riding Hood bites back.”

Seeing the silver tooth in her other hand, he quickly moved caught her next punch, only to see a glint flying in the air before a shadowy arm caught it.

“End of the line, Big Bad Wolf!” said Sucy, half of her torso coming out of a shadow-like portal. She threw her hand forward, piercing the General’s heart.

“The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

The white fire of the General faded as his body fell to the ground. His expression was blank like it had always been. Then, his lips curved into a smile before blue flames consumed his body. All four women breathed out.

“It’s finally over,” said Sucy, receding back into her shadow.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” said Lotte, looking toward Avery and Mary. “When did this development come about?”

“As spirits, we can control how fast time flows for us,” said Mary. “So naturally, when Avery freaked out when she realized she was trapped in you and cursed me and Sucy, I locked her in a room and taught her what she was missing. And then I talked to her.”

“Don’t read too much into it,” said Avery, a cold expression on her face. “If you die, I die. It’s as simple as that.”

With that, both of them faded into shadows before flowing back into Lotte’s body.

“Hey, Sucy?”

_ “Yes, sinta?” _

“I’m glad you’re with me.”

_ “I’m glad I’m with you as well.” _

“...Also, get out of my chest.”

_ “But it’s so snug in here!” _

 

* * *

 

Anna heaved in and out, her hair band breaking and finally letting her hair loose. Pain gripped her insides as she collapsed to the ground. Still, she was happy.

“You know,” she said, picking up a broken pipe, “you’ve really pissed me off over the years. The messes, the troubles, the attitude. It’s all so infuriating. Despite all of this...I still respect you. I know how hard you worked, how much you suffered. However, I want to be selfish. Just this once. Because as a vampire hunter, there would be no honor greater than killing you. And if I die…”

Anna looked up toward Akko’s suspended torso.

“I want to go out with no regrets.”

She thrust her makeshift spear forward, piercing Akko’s heart. In a flash, it was over. Years of pining and wishing, years of waiting, years of serving, years of-

Akko’s body faded into shadows before disappearing.

“You done goofed.”

Before Anna could turn around, a fist met her face and sent her flying. As she hit the ground, her body turned even younger, her hair a bright brown.

“Goodness! You look like that mercenary Hannah!” said Akko, her form still hidden by shadows. “Still, I can’t forgive you for not going all the way.”

“Excuse me?” said Anna, her tone notably more irate and young.

“Oh please! You think I don’t check my Netflix account activity?”

Anna froze and her face paled.

“Twenty replays of Madoka Magica 3: Rebellion? Bingeing Sailor Moon? Revolutionary Girl Utena? Even Kill La Kill? Where did you even have time to watch all of that? I could go on.”

“You know what I watch. So what?!”

“You said you wanted to go out with no regrets! Well, now you’re young with bullshit powers and no longer an old hag who has to take everything seriously.”

“Get to the fucking point!”

“CLOTHES SHADOW!”

In the blink of an eye, shadows passed over Anna, causing her to flinch. There was no pain, however. When she opened her eyes and looked down, she gasped. Her top was similar to her original women’s suit, tailored to be a dark shade of purple with black accents and a blood-red tie. Her bottom, however, became a white skirt that stopped just above her knees and poofed out just enough. A pair of thin black pants hugged her legs and rested underneath a pair of white heeled boots. When she reached up, she realized that her hair was once again tied up, but in a cute ponytail.

“What...what is this? Why are you doing this?”

“Because this is exactly what you want, and I’m going to give it to you!”

Akko finally stepped into view. Her cloak was now white and flowed around her graciously, a few buttons and a red belt holding it together. Underneath, she wore a red vest and black skirt. Red stockings ran on her thighs before also falling underneath black heeled boots. Finally, on her head rested a white witch hat with a gold star.

“If you’re going to die, I’m going to give you the most glorious death ever and turn your dreams and anime into reality!”

Anna couldn’t believe what she was seeing. This was her final gift? An all-out over-the-top Magical Girl battle? Older Anna would have stopped it here, but her younger mind took over. A time before the true nature of the world, of war, of vampire hunting, diminished her dreams and emotions. Her lips curved up in a smile.

“Well then, to whom do I owe this duel?”

Akko beamed before striking a pose. “You face the Queen of Vampires, Akko Kagari!”

Anna struck her own pose, her wires forming behind her to accent it.

“Vampire Queen...If anybody will bring you down, it shall be I, Anna C. Dornez, Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for the massive delay and thank everybody who has read and commented the fic this entire time. With finals out of the way, I thought the chapters would start coming out faster, but that obviously didn't happen. However, the end is near. Thank you guys so much for reading and I'll see y'all in a couple weeks. Peace!


	10. The Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big Magical Girl Anime fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the full effect of the fight, listen to Absolute Configuration from the Madoka Magica 3 Soundtrack.

The doors to the shattered command center opened, revealing one pissed-off Diana Cavendish.

“Ah, welcome, said the spider to the fly,” said Andrew, turning his chair to greet his guest. “Although, I’d say you’re more of a hornet-”

Diana shut him up by firing her pistol. Each shot, while accurate, was blocked by a wall of bullet-proof glass. She unloaded all of the rounds in her gun before reloading, keeping her pace.

Andrew laughed, unfazed by the shots directed at his head. “And unlike his modest brother, the bee, the hornet does not die after it has stung-”

Diana unloaded another magazine into the bulletproof glass, shutting him up again.

“It guards its nest with the ferocity and tenacity of-”

More gunshots.

“Of a mother who is protecting his child!” he screamed quickly before Diana ran and slammed her gun into the unbreaking glass.

“Okay, you're smarter than this. If the bullets weren’t going to work, why would punching it?”

“You coward!” shouted Diana.

“We all have our shields,” said Andrew, calmly walking to back to sit in his chair. “Some of us have tempered glass. Others have the  _ Queen of Vampires _ . Speaking of whom.”

Andrew pressed a button, turning all the screens into a complete image covering Anna and Akko.

“It looks like our dear champions are about to face off. Let us hope no one interferes, shall we?”

Diana turned around to see a bowl of popcorn.

“Wh-what-”

“Popcorn, Lady Diana? It will be a great show.”

 

* * *

 

Although the sun had risen, the smog turned the yellow beams into a dreary overcast. Soot and dust coated every surface of the ground and surrounding buildings. Only the stray fires from pieces of the Nazi Zeppelin and splashes of blood broke the monotony of gray with specks of bright orange and dark red. By now, due to previous fighting and explosions, more of the buildings had collapsed, leaving a large graveyard of structures in various sizes and shapes.

Anna and Akko stood on opposing remains of towers. Although the former was already in a combat stance, the latter stood completely relaxed.

“I want to know, Anna, how far you were willing to go just for the attempt to kill me. What promises were made just to be broken, how long you were working with Millennial, and why this matters to you so much.”

Anna let out a dry laugh. “I was always raised to be in service of others, from being a maid to slaying vampires. I served the Cavendish House since I was born and was wholly devoted to that task. From the moment I met you, however, I made a promise to myself for the first time, just one act of selfishness. I promised that if anyone would kill you, it will be me. Of course, we had bigger things to worry about back then, but then I waited too long, and you were sealed up.”

“So did you let that bitch Daryl try to kill Diana just so I would be brought back?” asked Akko, fury beginning to bubble.

“No. That...that was a mistake, a planned coincidence by Daryl.” Anna looked down with guilt. “I should’ve seen it, but the silver lining was that you were brought back, yet I was now past my prime. All the decades of training for your inevitable return would go to waste since my body could not keep up.”

“And Millennial? Why did they help you?”

“They  _ were _ going to brainwash and torture me, but I spared them the trouble by telling them my dreams to kill you. And now,” Anna said, laughing and gesturing to herself, “here I am.”

“And what about your promise to me?” asked Akko, pain behind her eyes. “You promised to protect Diana if I wasn’t there, so why did you leave her alone?”

“While that is entirely my fault, you underestimate Lady Diana too much, Akko. She is a capable woman, a fighter, and a leader. Plus, if I didn’t stop the General, he would’ve chased us down. I had to buy time for Lady Diana to get away.”

“But you know she can’t drive!”

“...Actually...I didn’t,” said Anna, letting out a nervous laugh.

“...Okay. This is too crazy,” said Akko, pressing her hands to her temple. “I know that my very existence is bullshit, but am I supposed to believe that Daryl’s plan  _ just  _ so happens to bring me back when you're old, the Nazis decide to come back a few years later, they spare your life and reverse your age to fight me, and you didn’t plan  _ any  _ of it?”

Laughter filled the air as the Vampire Hunter spread her arms out in a grand fashion. “Don’t you see, Akko? It is fate!” She pointed at her adversary. “The Universe itself wants this to happen! From the moment we met, this has been our future! All of those events happening in motion lead to this very moment!” she proclaimed with a number of hand movement and gestures, a crazed grin appearing on her usually composed face.

“Dread it, run from it,” said Anna, striking a Jo-Jo level pose. “Destiny still arrives.”

Akko simply smiled and raised her hand, a platinum blonde gun manifesting in it while she drew her original silver one from her cloak. “Fitting how the gun Diana gave me replaces the one you destroyed. Now, it’s time I gave you the death you deserve!”

She loaded a magazine into her new pistol, staring Anna dead in the eyes. The wind around them stopped as Akko cocked the new gun before switching to the gun Anna had made for her. She took out the empty magazine and loaded a new one, shadows forming in her hands and around the pistols.

The empty cartridge hit the ground.

The two women jumped into the air, soaring toward each other. Akko began firing rapidly with pinpoint accuracy. Wires formed around Anna, preventing the bullets from hitting her as she prepared to strike at Akko. Wires and shadows surged around the two as they finally clashed midair and flew off in opposite directions. Right as Akko flipped around to face Anna again, she gasped. Anna had not been blocking the bullets.

She had been catching them.

Connected by wires, the bullets orbited the hunter, gaining more and more speed before they were flung back toward Akko at lightning speeds. The vampire quickly took cover behind a wrecked wall, stopping only for a moment before she jumped to narrowly avoid a strike by Anna’s wires. Akko went on the defensive, jumping from platform to platform and returning fire while Akko used her wires to swing and propel herself to her target.

“I thought you couldn’t fly with your vampire powers!” teased Anna.

“No. I just jump good!” shouted Akko as she quickly switched directions and jumped toward Anna.

Not expecting this, Anna hastily formed a mesh shield before being blown away straight up into the air. Akko quickly intercepted her as she fell and kicked her straight to the ground. Anna quickly used one hand to send out wires and catch herself, swinging and redirecting her momentum back up. Akko smirked, preparing to shoot when she noticed something behind her. Anna shot downwards as she flung a massive chunk of rubble upwards, catching Akko and shattering. A tug at her leg suddenly sent the Vampire hurtling to the ground, but she quickly recovered and unloaded a round into the wire, breaking it before she jumped away. As she landed, she quickly threw her head to left, narrowly avoiding a flying projectile.

“Never seen you do that before,” remarked Akko, checking the condition of her guns.

“Never had the strength to do it,” said Anna, surrounded by suspended bricks.

With a wave of her fingers, the wires tightened, slicing and dicing the pieces of stone into dense pebbles the size of bullets. Akko began to return fire, her high-caliber bullets slicing through the air as Anna flung countless of stone bullets back. The two jumped and fired from building to building, staying mobile yet maintaining their accuracy. All around them, buildings began to collapse. The projectiles made their mark by kicking up the settled dust, slowly surrounding the duo in a thin cloud which only seemed to enhance the light of the fire. Bullets struck stone, stopping each other mid-air and showering their battlefield with sparks. Anna swung herself and her projectiles with masterful skill, flowing through the air and the various broken windows. Akko ran nonstop, at least one of her guns always shooting while her cloak flowed behind her.

Finally, once the vampire stood on the roof of a tall building, Anna swung herself directly at her, wires ready. With her gun, Akko blocked her hand and fired. Anna narrowly moved her head in the nick of time, the air from the bullet grazing her cheek and drawing blood. After landing on her feet, Anna parried another one of Akko’s blows as the vampire fired before following with her own strike. Akko ducked out of the wire’s range before returning fire. Anna narrowly caught the bullet and redirected it back towards Akko. The vampire grimaced as the shot landed in her arm before she punched the hunter’s hands out of the way and fired again. The two continued to trade blows, every one of Anna’s punches flinging out a strand of razor wire like a whip while Akko accented her attacks with bullets.

Dodge.

Kick.

Punch.

Shoot.

Cut.

Every attack was executed and parried with utmost precision until Akko flipped backward and kicked Anna’s hands up. At the sight of the gun, Anna gasped and Akko smirked. Once she regained sight of Anna, however, it was replaced by panic. Anna had two wires ready to whip out. Akko fired and Anna attacked, grazing each other before Akko fell off the building.

“How are you not reloading?!” shouted Anna as she jumped after Akko.

“How are you getting more wires?!” retorted Akko, turning her guns upward and firing.

“Answer at the same time?!” asked Anna, sending wires forward.

“You’re on!” said Akko, landing on a protruding flagpole before launching herself back up.

“FUCK YOU! THAT’S HOW!” the two women shouted at the same time.

The two clashed in midair, continuing their attacks as they fell. Bullets and stones flew in all directions as they struck and parried. None of them seemed to sustain any major injuries. Akko, while unused to Anna’s new fighting style, knew her friend. Similarly, Anna had spent decades serving with and studying Akko. The two read each other’s moves, predicting and countering with instinct and not stopping to think. Just when the two were finally about to hit the ground, they kicked off of each other into opposite directions, landing on walls. They jumped toward each other moments later, firing and striking. Anna swung herself with her wires while Akko jumped from rubble to rubble. The two finally met in the middle, breathing in and out heavily. Anna crouched down with her wires surrounding the vampire like a web.

“Checkmate,” wheezed the hunter.

“I’d say it’s a stalemate.”

Across from her, Akko stood tall with her guns pointed at Anna with no wires blocking the bullet’s trajectory. In addition, Anna looked down to see her stomach was bleeding. Akko had somehow gotten a shot in. Still, she smirked.

“Guess you never pay attention to collateral damage. Or, in this case, the lack of it.”

Confusion overcame Akko as she looked around. Finally, her eyes adjusted, and horror stuck her. The dust had covered it, but since it was settling, she noticed the light glints of a web of razor wires. The web surrounded them in all directions, but instead of catching insects, it caught…

“This is…” said Akko, completely in shock.

“Three-hundred-sixty degrees,” said Anna, slowly moving her hands, “PROJECTILE SMASH!”

At once, every bullet, every stone, every projectile thrown, fired and caught by Anna’s massive web was flung towards Akko. As the vampire shot through the wires surrounding her, her thoughts were on fire. Anna had woven a giant cage around their entire fighting area and caught every missed bullet and stone. To use that much focus on the web and still be able to fight Akko at lightning speeds…

“Well, fuck.”

Bullets, stones, and metal scraps tore through Akko’s body. Although she desperately tried to shield herself with anything from everything, the projectiles were traveling so fast that they cut through anything she put up. Her shadows were blown away. Any cover was eviscerated. By Anna’s calculations, it was the end of Akko Kagari.

Yet…

Akko never gave up.

With a mighty roar, Akko punched the ground, the only remaining cover. The stone path shot up, providing a small amount of cover for Akko. However, Akko was not finished. The punch helped her channel her remaining energy, and a massive volume of shadows poured out of her body. Under the onslaught of projectiles, it was quickly shot and blasted away, but Akko kept pouring it out. She had to. She had someone to return to…

After a full minute of barrages, it finally stopped. Anna heaved and collapsed to her knees, coughing out blood. That attack combined with her injury almost killed her, but she was alive for now. Unfortunately for her, so was Akko. Under the small mountain of rubble, Akko stirred and pushed herself up. Her cloak was in tatters and stones and bullets were literally coming out of the holes in her body, but she was alive. She focused on regenerating her shattered jaw and missing eyes first before moving to her legs. Anna watched in sadness as Akko stumbled out of the crater she had created.

“Was that a Jo-Jo reference?” wheezed Akko, doing her best to smile.

“It was,” smiled Anna. “Fitting how you put a hole through my stomach. All I need now is a water tower and a clock to shoot.”

The two women laughed before Akko kneeled next to Anna.

“That was it, you know?” asked Anna. “That was my final attack. I...I got nothing left. I gave everything, and you’re still alive.” She began to tear up.

“Anna. Look at me.”

The hunter looked up to see Akko’s face, which was currently missing an eye, beaming with admiration and joy.

“That’s the closest anybody has come to killing me. I don’t think anybody will ever come that close ever again.  _ You _ almost killed me, and for that…”

Akko took Anna’s tie off and wrapped it around her head, covering her missing eye.

“I will wear this in your honor, in honor of the Vampire Hunter who managed to permanently mark me, Anna C. Dornez. You will never be forgotten.”

With that, Anna finally burst into tears and hugged Akko, the two surrounded by the remains of the remains of London. Although upset that she could not complete her goal, knowing that Akko chose to voluntarily never regenerate her eye in honor of her friend was enough.

“The best part? You did this to me fair and square, no extra souls or nothing,” said Akko. “In fact, I had such a great time fighting you like this that, despite the fact that I’m famished, I don’t think I’m going to consume any of the souls that died tonight.”

 

* * *

 

“Ah, shit,” said Andrew, who was currently eating popcorn with Diana. “Blair?”

_ “Yes, Major?” _

“Commence Backup Plan  _ Desparate Underclassmen! _ ”

“Wait, what?” said Diana, fury returning to her after she had enjoyed the fight.

 

* * *

 

“NOTICE ME SENPAI!!”

Akko looked up to see Blair falling towards her with a knife. She quickly parried the knife and drove it into Blair’s neck, yet the blonde continued to move. In the struggle, Blair shoved her hand into Akko’s mouth. Naturally, she bit down, and overcome with hunger and tasting an intoxicating drink, Akko feasted on the rest of her blood. Anna crawled back in minor fear before she rushed back in concern as Akko began to quiver.

 

* * *

 

“What’s going on?!” asked Diana.

“Have you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?” asked Andrew, laughing.

“I  _ shot _ Schrödinger's cat!”

“Indeed! And yet it lives, and yet it dies. It is here, yet it is not. It is a curious creation, one of infinite possibilities as long as it remains unobserved. Yet, to consume a thing is to know a thing. Akko is now partaking Warrant Officer Blair Schrödinger's paradoxical existence, and as our dear creation stares into the abyss that is within Akko, that abyss stares back. The wave function collapses, uncertainty becomes certain, the proverbial coin flips, and…”

_ “Diana,” _ said Akko through the video and directly into Diana’s mind.  _ “I don’t feel so good.”  _ Her body began to turn translucent.

“Akko!” cried Diana, realizing what was happening. She lost her mother. She was going to lose Anna. And now... “Please! Don’t go! Don’t leave me!”

_ “Don’t worry, Diana,” _ said Akko weakly.  _ “If anyone can solve this, it’s you.” _

Akko Kagari disappeared out of existence.

Andrew laughed as Diana ripped his soul apart with her eyes.

“What did you do?!”

“I CALLED HEADS!” he said as the room began to burst into flames.

“You’re not making it out of this alive.”

“Then my last meal,” said Andrew, filling up a glass of wine, “shall be victory.”

The fires cleared away as Lotte burst into the room carrying rifles and surrounded by shadows.

“Status report. Killed a Nazi Werewolf Dragon. Sucy, Mary, and Avery are inside me.”

“Sucy is inside all of us- wait, Avery and Mary?”

“They’re a little busy right now,” said Sucy, popping out of a shadow portal and waving to Diana. “Also, sorry about the mansion. Then again, most of aren’t getting paid since we’re dead, so...”

“...I shouldn’t even be surprised,” sighed Diana. “Also, where did you find a Nazi Werewolf?”

“Where did  _ you _ find Chariot?”

“In a  _ basement. _ ”

“How poetic. We found our Werewolf in an attic. I mean, we find lots of things in attics,” chuckled Andrew.

“Holy  _ shit, _ ” said Lotte and Sucy.

“I was talking about  _ antiques _ . The Jews were the Führer’s obsession, not mine, Anne-Frank-ly, I’m insulted by the insinuation.”

“Lotte!”

“Yes Ma’am!”

Lotte unloaded both of her rifles into the glass. While causing a few scratches and chips, it didn’t shatter it. Andrew looked on, unimpressed.

“I’m sorry, mein fräulein, but you’re a few dozen millimeters too thin.”

Lotte tossed the guns away and shoved her hand into the ground, pulling up a fully intact artillery cannon and loading a shell in it like a shotgun.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” said Andrew. “Come on, bitch! SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOVE!”

 

* * *

 

The artillery shell flew out of the Zeppelin and stuck a bell, ringing it throughout the city. Light had finally broken past the clouds, bathing Anna as she finally finished her makeshift grave for Akko. The vampire’s hat was set down on top of the I-beam cross engraved with her name. Anna finally slid down, her back on the tomb-metal and blood pooling around her.

“Not like this,” she said. “I didn’t want you to die like this. You...you didn’t deserve to die...well, that’s debatable. But...you protected this world more than you thought, despite all of the collateral damage. You fought, you endured, and even when I betrayed you, did everything to make you hate me, you still gave me what I wanted.”

The tears began to flow as Anna continued to cough up blood.

“Fitting that I should die...alongside you, with this literal and figurative hole in my chest.”

The shadows of two Catholics covered Anna, and she looked up to see Jasminka and Constanze. Although she expected to see anger in their eyes, she only saw sadness and pity.

“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away,” said Jasminka.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” said Constanze.

Anna smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes before she closed them forever.

 

* * *

 

“The gates of hell will have to swing wide for you and your ego,” said Diana through the smoke.

“If I’m such a big target, then  _ how did you miss? _ ” said Andrew as the smoke cleared away, revealing his body and his torn left side. “Ah...never mind.” He coughed.

“I’m sorry, what am I looking at?” asked Diana. “Is that...metal and oil? Are you a cyborg? Why are you a cyborg?!”

“I am no less a man than someone with a pacemaker or a hearing aid, for what is a marker of a man than his-”

“No! A man is a homo-sapien made of meat and blood! Not cogs and coolant and I’m going to assume a hamster on a wheel!”

“His name is Yoh Yoshinari.”

“...You’re just fucking with me…”

“And you finally get it,” said Andrew, reaching out with his hand. “I...I see the light...the factory seal on society. A world  _ mired _ in complacency, slaves to their instincts and fueled by anger and hatred. A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent and frighteningly... self-sustaining.”

“Could you please get to the  _ fucking _ point?!”

“The  _ point, _ Lady Diana Cavendish, is that we are nothing but scared spitefull children playing at adulthood. A factitious lie of comfort and, even more repugnant, complacence. So what is a man to do, but wage war so calamitous and glorious that it would snap humanity out of its foolish, verseless charade!? And who better an opponent...than Cavendish?”

“...Okay, but why are you a cyborg?!”

“Oh...you’re still on that. You see-”

Andrew quickly drew his gun and shot Diana in the eye. Milliseconds later, Diana put a bullet in his head, throwing his body to the ground. The gears turned quiet as Andrew smiled.

“Ah...hervorragend...So long...farewell...auf wiedersehen, goodbye...I leave...and heave...a sigh and say goodbye... _ goodbye. _ ”

Diana breathed out, clicking stop on her recorder.

“You’re not entirely wrong,” said Diana as flames consumed the command center once more. “You just didn’t have to be an asshole about it.” She let out a weary sigh.

“What’s wrong?” asked Lotte. “Is it the eye?”

“That...and he just ruined  _ The Sound of Music _ for me.”

“...So...where is Akko?”

“Gone,” said Diana quietly as she grabbed a hold of Lotte and escaped the exploding airship. The two stayed silent as they broke through and finally escaped through into the sky.

“Let’s go home, Ma’am.”

 

* * *

 

“I can’t believe it’s only been three months, and the manor looks this good already,” said Barbara, comparing her blueprints to the repaired manor in front of her. All around them, the former Luna Nova mercenaries worked along with hired construction workers. Although certain decorations still needed to be carved in and there was still scaffolding here and there, they made tons of progress considering the state it was in.

“The first week was still the worse,” said Hannah, trying to practice with a set of razor wires. “I’m glad Lotte, Sucy, Mary, and Avery volunteered to clean out all the halls. I...I don’t think I would’ve been able to walk through those.”

The horrible memory of the invasion was one that the newly hired Cavendish Operatives tended not to think about. Nightmares still plagued the women, yet they did their best to move forward. Especially when…

“Hey! Get back to work, ladies!” shouted Sucy. Although there was a shadowy aura to her, the Captain walked up and about with enhanced strength, carrying inhuman amounts of materials. “Especially since whoever doesn’t do their share doesn’t get sound-proofing foam and is forced to sleep next to Avery and Mary’s room!”

“Oh thank god it’s here!” shouted Sarah, running to grab some foam before dashing back into the manor.

“Eyes up!” shouted Mary from the roof. “We got visitors!”

A tired Diana walked outside with a sunhat on. While she still carried herself high, there was something missing in her eyes. On her left was Lotte, always by her side. Sucy manifested on Diana’s right as the trio met with their visitors.

“Welcome,” said Diana. “Sorry it doesn’t look as nice. Repairs are still underway.”

“It’s no problem at all!” said Jasminka, waving her arm and robotic arm. “We’re still repairing the Vatican as well.”

“I assume you got our message,” said Constanze, bandages still wrapping her face and holding onto a person with a bag over their head.

“I did. You said you captured a target of interest?”

Jasminka took the bag off to reveal the beaten face of Doktor Frank.

“You,” growled Lotte, ready to take his head off.

“We found him hiding in Russia. Although the government turned a blind eye to his experiments, everyone else did not,” said Jasminka.

The Doktor remained silent.

“Thank you for this. We’ll take it from here,” said Diana, grabbing Frank by his color and pulling him down violently. “Now, you’re going to help me find out what happened to Akko and bring her back!” At this, Frank lit up.

“Bring her back? That would involve separating Blair’s existence from Akko, and that’s never been done before-”

“Can you do it or not?” asked Sucy, subtly drawing her pistol.

“I don’t have much of a choice, but it will be a great experiment!”

 

* * *

 

“That’s it? That’s the device that separates Blair from Akko?” asked Diana in disbelief.

The device in question was a human-sized cat collar with a strange crystal on it. Just one year after Akko disappeared, and she had a solution to bring her back. Her heart ached at the prospect, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up too much.

“It’s not that simple,” said Frank, now dressed in a Cavendish lab coat. “Although the device allows for separation, Blair has to willingly separate from Akko, and considering she was very loyal to the cause and she won’t listen to me since I work for you now, convincing her would be hard.”

“Did you say we have to convince her?” asked Lotte.

“I did.”

Lotte sighed. “I can’t believe I’m doing this...Mary?”

The young women manifested next to Lotte hand-and-hand with Avery.

“What can I do for you?” she asked.

“We need you to...convince...Blair Schrödinger to separate from Akko.”

At the mention of Blair, Avery blushed, but Mary didn’t notice.

“Now hang on guys. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not as free-spirited as I used to be.”

“You would turn down the chance to seduce another hot German girl?” smirked Sucy.

“I don’t even know what she looks like. Plus, I already have a girlfriend.”

Wordlessly and shielding her face, Avery pulled out a picture of the blonde. Mary looked in shock.

“How do you-”

“Blair gave it to me. After spending time with you...I now realize that she was, in fact, flirting with me all those years and literally invading my dreams…”

“So...you’re-”

“I’m okay if you do this.”

Mary looked at the picture in contemplation before her cheeks warmed up.

“It will probably be a hard task...I might need...your...help…” she said, voice getting higher and higher until she whispered the last word.

The entire room rose a few degrees as everyone realized what was going to happen.

“Do it,” said Diana without hesitation. “If it’ll bring Akko back, please do it.”

“More like ‘do her,’” said Sucy.

Diana threw a book at the Captain, who merely dissolved into shadows.

 

* * *

 

That night, Diana slept in her room peacefully. A presence crept beside her bed, slowly getting closer and closer. With fangs open, the presence inched closer and closer to Diana’s neck-

Diana screamed and unloaded a full magazine into the presence, knocking it against the wall.

“Master! Are we under attack?!” shouted Lotte, bursting into the room with her rifles.

“Who wasn’t doing their job?!” said Sucy, loading her shotgun.

“Are you okay?!” said Hannah, her silver ribbons and wires prepped around her.

“Why are we all shouting?” asked Barbara, ready to shoot any targets with her own rifle.

The presence groaned, slowly pushing themselves up.

“After what I pulled, I guess I deserved that.”

Diana shot awake at the familiarity of the voice. “Akko!”

Moonlight finally spilled into the room, revealing a smiling and pale Akko.

“I told you you could figure it out.”

Everybody wrapped Akko in a bone-crushing, pulling her up and sitting her on the bed.

“I missed you,” said Diana, holding Akko close and tearing up.

“I missed you too,” said Akko. “The entire time, you were all I could think about, what I wanted to return to.”

“What was it like?” asked Lotte. “And did you meet anybody?”

“Well, have you heard of Purgatory?”

 

* * *

 

_ “Oi! Kagari! Can you stop freaking out for a few moments?!” _

_ Akko, currently in the middle of thrashing everything she could see, stopped at the voice. _

_ “Amanda?” _

_ “Yup! The one and only!” _

_ Akko turned around to see the Catholic warrior standing in an undamaged cloak, radiating holiness while also keeping her signature attitude. Akko wrapped her in a tight hug. Amanda, while initially shocked, returned it. _

_ “Where...where is this place?” asked Akko. _

_ “From the hours I’ve been here and my conversation with God, it seems to be Purgatory.” _

_ “Shouldn’t you be in heaven?” _

_ “Nah. I was there, but it was too boring and there was work to be done. God sent me here. Apparently, Purgatory is always short staffed, and considering the souls here either need therapy or to be put down, I’m glad to be here.” _

_ “But why am I here?” _

_ Akko quickly explained what had happened since Amanda died and being merged into nonexistence. _

_ “Well, it seems to me that while you don’t exist, God decided to put you to work.” _

_ Akko groaned. “Always fucking me, isn’t he?” _

_ “Eh, it’s not all bad. Plus, you get to hang out with me,” said Amanda, patting her on the back. “Besides, I didn’t get to finish telling you what I wanted.” _

_ Akko raised her eyebrow to this. “You were saying something about becoming a Shepherd?” _

_ “That’s if you want to use religious metaphors, which I know you hate. In layman's term, I found something worth fighting for, and instead of killing for their sake, I protected it.” _

_ “I...I don’t follow. How is that any different from what you used to do?” _

_ “The trick? As far as actions are concerned, it isn’t. However, the intent is what counts. It’s so easy to fight and kill, but also to enjoy it too much and lose yourself in the process. You need a way to come back.” _

_ “But I’m not you,” said Akko, drawing her knees to her chest. “I was never righteous to begin with. My very existence is cursed. I am the Vampire Queen, and that alone defines my identity. Even after I promised to prevent another monster like myself from existing, I’m still a monster.” _

_ “And that’s where intent lies,” said Amanda. “Right now, you live to kill. You live to exterminate the monsters of the world. But you yourself are not a monster. You may have committed some...questionable things, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back. You have people you love, correct?” _

_ Diana flashed in her mind instantly, followed by Lotte. _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Then fight for them. Protect them. Most importantly, live for them. Try real hard to be the Shepherd and protect the good in this world.” _

_ Warmth spread throughout Akko. Although it seemed obvious now, Amanda’s words held a lot of truth in them. She made mistakes in the past, and the world had destroyed her, but that didn’t me she had to destroy the world. There was good in the world, and Akko decided that she had to protect it. _

_ “Thanks, Amanda,” said Akko, smiling softly. _

_ “No problem...my friend,” said Amanda. “Now, that was a good test run.” _

_ “Test run?” _

_ “I said we gotta do therapy for these souls, and you’re proof that I can do it. So get up and help me! There’s a long line, especially those three-million four-hundred-twenty-four-thousand eight-hundred-sixty-seven poor sods from London.” _

 

* * *

 

“And for one year, I helped Amanda process souls at Purgatory.”

The room burst in excitement, everybody asking Akko various questions. Although she answered all of them, she noticed that Diana had remained silent. One by one, everybody left back to their rooms until only Akko and Diana remained. Finally in private, the vampire turned to her master.

“Diana, is there something wrong? I know I’ve been gone for a year, and I’m sorry, but-”

“Just be quiet, Akko,” said Diana, her eyes in concentration. “I’ve...I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. The year you were gone was hard for me. Ever since my mother died, you’ve always been there for me, and when you disappeared, everything just stopped. Even though I had friends nearby, it just wasn’t the same without you. Your energy, your smile, your shenanigans, I didn’t realize how much I missed it until you were gone. I... _ need _ you in my life. Also, I have no intention of bedding a man to bear an heir for the Cavendish house, so if I die, the line will stop.”

“What are you saying?” asked Akko, red touching her cheeks.

“I can’t imagine a life without you Atsuko Kagari, and I want you to turn me into a vampire,” said Diana, looking her directly in the eyes with determination.

“That sounds like a marriage proposal,” joked Akko.

“And what if it is?” asked Diana without skipping a beat.

In a rare moment, Akko was completely silent. Every passing second felt like an eternity, an eternity that filled Diana with dread. Had she asked too soon? Should she have waited for Akko to readjust? No...She felt this strongly about her and was determined to see it through. Finally, a shadow manifested next to Akko, and she pulled out a red velvet box.

“Then...I guess you beat me to it,” she said with a smile.

Diana threw herself at Akko, tacking her into a passionate kiss with one year of unsaid feelings. Akko just laughed before pulling Diana even closer. She was home.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It's done. It's been a long ride, and I'm glad that so many people enjoyed it! Over the course of this story's publication, we hit nearly 1.5k hits, 74 kudos, and 5 bookmarks. For my first fic, that is INSANE! I never thought I would get this much support. Thank you guys so much, and please leave a comment if you have time to help me improve my writing in the future.
> 
> Be on the lookout for an extra chapter coming out hopefully soon, which will show the epilogue and a few more funny moments like TFS did with HUA. Until then, I thank you for reading Little Witch Hellsing. Peace!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my first fic. As of such, any constructive criticism will be appreciated. I know that I practically copy lines from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, but their jokes are just to good. I will try to write future chapters and change up the text more, but they may not come until later. Until then, Peace!


End file.
